How to motivate this lad

[UnderneathTheMangledTree]

My older ds is a lovely fellow but completely unmotivated. He's only 13 but already cba getting out of bed in time for school, only does homework if chivvied, doesn't try to get on sports teams (though enjoys playing when he does get to play matches), is really only interested in chatting to friends and playing Xbox.

When he was younger we gave him opportunities to do lots of things out of school, football and other sports at the weekend, music lessons, I can't remember what, but nothing really stuck. I'd love him to have a passion now but apart from rap music... he doesn't seem to.

He's intelligent (has a mild learning difficulty) and though fundamentally a pleasant boy is horrifically grumpy these days.

I love him and want him to be happy. Am I going down the rat-hole of thinking I wouldn't be happy like that so he can't be? How can I help him to approach life with more zing? Left to himself he would stay in bed all day listening to music and occasionally looming up to the fridge for a quadruple portion of cereal.

x box is key

I'm not sure you can.

Sure, you could take the X-Box away, but that's no guarantee he will suddenly start to jump out of bed full of energy and ready to volunteer at the nearest care home on his way from captaining the first 11 at rugby!

DS2 is 16, nearly 17, and is exactly the same. We have tried all manner of things, all to no avail. He is totally different from DS1 who was firstly into sport and then into music (playing, writing and going to gigs).

I have no idea what more we can do - the phrase "you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is oh so apt.

What were you/your DH like when you were his age?

Sometimes I think we forget that when we were younger there wasn't always the same compulsion to 'do' things.

Do you restrict the xbox or computer ? Both my stepsons are exactly the same and don't bother with school or college work , and have no other interests .

Youngest is 15 and doing GCSEs and its a battle to get him to do any work. Grades low, capable or more but not bothered . Can't even do the simplest of tasks without being reminded every day , such as making bed and locking front door , or not letting his pets water bowl go dry . I blame him being allowed to play every none school hour on the xbox or computer .

So do time limit it if not already doing so . It will encourage other interests . When we take away his computer and xbox as punishment, he will after the first day or two sulking start playing the piano or drawing, or goes out with friends.

We do limit the XBox, yes, and he doesn't have his own computer so still has to ask permission to use one of ours. He's certainly not allowed to spend every non-school hour on it.

When we were younger we were very different - both academic high achievers, me very sporty, self-motivated (and one of a large family where you had to get off your arse - I have only 2) but my parents never ever tried to get me to take things up! Whereas we over the years have offered lots of things from scouts to tennis to drum lessons, and while he has mildly enjoyed them, he's never wanted to continue. I would have loved my mum to have been saying to me "is there anything you would like to do?" but I guess we are different characters and it is taking some time for this to sink in for me.

We are quite rural and this can be a problem, visits to friends' houses have to be organised and are rarely spontaneous. I also have to bring him to places - or at least to the station.

He is a really lovely boy, I must stress that. I would just love to see him making the most of himself.

I sound like you . My stepson is arty and laid back . Completely different personality type to me , so I guess will choose to live life differently to me. Some people just arnt sporty or care as much about academia.

Is there an activity you can do together ? Martial arts ? Swimming ? Climbing ? Art class ? Photography ? Cooking ? Geocaching? Does he have an interest you can build on ?

DH , SS and I use to do a martial arts together until the class stopped . It was the one thing he enjoyed that was physical . They also then use to practise at home .

I know, you are right and I do struggle with this - that academic success is just not important to some people. I am just surprised that my son is one of them! Which I know makes me short-sighted and shows my lack of understanding of human nature etc - please don't tell me this as I am hating myself quite enough for all of us!

He does enjoy watching cooking programmes e.g. Masterchef on television, and will sometimes cook supper for us all, which is lovely. He enjoys being out with the dogs and we do do that as a family, head off to the woods or the beach together.

I just wonder am I barking up the wrong tree looking for him to have a "thing" that is his. Maybe some people just don't have "things". Is it ok for listening to music to be your "thing"? He reads, as well. And doesn't express unhappiness. So perhaps I am just projecting.

Waaaahh!

He sounds well rounded to me . I have adult friends who spend all their spare time listening to music and reading . One of them spent hundreds on some special kind of gold wire to make the music sound better . I'll never understand that .

I struggle with my stepsons not wanting to achieve high grades and taking education further . I often think they are lazy and are choosing an easy route , so don't feel guilty . I have to be careful not to project my aspirations onto them . They arnt lazy and are very nice boys . The oldest works all the spare hours his part time job throws at him . He enjoys work more than studying .

The youngest is however obsessed with xbox !

I think relax . Sounds like he and you are doing fine !

PS I'm not suggesting that you think your children are lazy , if it reads like that !

Yes. Relaxing doesn't come that easily to me - I have mentally fast forwarded to college disaster / no job ever / unable to pay rent / homeless, etc etc. As you can see I am a real joy to have as a mother .

(I have never said this stuff to him by the way!)

I suppose the best thing to do is to relax for the moment... aaargh.

I appreciate all the input and it's comforting to see others have similar experiences.