Lonely ds....

[TheFrogs]

Worried about ds (14) and not sure how I can help him.

Up until about the age of 12 he had a few friends he'd grown up with in our street and would be out every afternoon. They varied in age but it worked as there were about 10 lads. Long story short, a couple of the older lads moved away and a new family moved in. Ds was now the eldest, his friends started hanging around with these younger lads who took an instant dislike to ds which was fine by him as they're thoroughly unpleasant and always in trouble with the police. Ds stopped going out altogether as his own friends now thought it was more entertaining to generally give him abuse with these other kids.

He has a handful of friends at school but he's not a popular kid. He's not shy as such but he is very nervous and it shows. Every time he asks one of his friends if they want to go out they tell him they dont go out at all...I find this hard to believe, perhaps they dont want to be seen with a nerd or whatever the term is now.

The trouble is, where we live a lot of the kids are quite rough and he just doesn't fit in. Dont get me wrong, i'm glad he's not out causing trouble, and i'm glad he knows better but he's so lonely. He told me tonight he feels down much of the time. He did meet a nice lad a few years ago at a karate club he used to go to but that lad is a couple of years older than him and very much into his "gf", I think he's avoiding ds (from what I can gather) but I dont have the heart to tell him.

I know how he feels, but dont know what I can do?

Oh, Frogs - I'm sorry about this. My DS3, only a little older than yours, has no mates to speak of locally (we live in an area largely inhabited by much older people whose families have all grown up and moved away). And as he doesn't involve himself in local activities - well, that doesn't help.

Have you thought of speaking to the school? Could they keep an eye on him? Cajole him into getting involved in things where he might make friends? (That age, they are usually a bit more persuadable.) Seating arrangements in classes - could those be made to work for him - perhaps new faces to work with?

I know the obvious - but local clubs - Scouts etc? Is there a youth club in the area where he'd be happy and safe? Has he got an interest that could be exploited outside of school? My DS has only very recently mentioned joining the local gym to me - seems something at school triggered an interest. So, I'll be investigating and it could be the start of something.

It's tough, almost impossible, to sit down with your DC and discuss 'being lonely' but the two of you could draw up a plan of action on the basis that now's the time to expand his horizons/interests.

Good luck -

Any clubs / activities locally he could join in? I don't know much about it, but would something like venture scouting be an option? Sounds rubbish for your ds.

Is there a church youth group nearby? You don't have to be a 'believer' to join in, but you can guarantee that he will be welcomed.

My brother was the same as a teenager. It is tricky to make friends when you don't already have the confidence in your ability to socialise. Other teenagers in particular run a mile if they think you are needy...

In your situation I would encourage your son to join some groups, ideally a Stagecoach/ amateur dramatics group or an outdoor adventure group as they are particularly good at developing people's confidence, which might help him get over the nervousness. Is Duke of Edinburgh still running? Anything out of school which is activity focussed would be good.

Before he joins, I don't know your financial situation, but could you try to get him some new clothes? Buy a few magazines or trawl the net and help him find a fashionable style which he likes and is comfortable in. My Mum always used to say 'people should like you for who you are', meaning it doesn't matter what you look like, but in reality, it is easier to make friends if you are looking and feeling great.

Remind him that young teenagers can be really cruel, but most turn into reasonable adults at some point. Some are horrible forever and must be avoided!

It is hard to help without making it into a big deal, but try to keep it lighthearted.

Why did he stop the Karate?

x

I really feel for your son. I have two, and one is outgoing and has loads of friends from various activities. He's 16. The younger one is 15, and until about 6 months ago, was in a similar situation to your son.

However, in the last couple of months, he's started going out with friends from school. He also goes to explorers, which he loves. I think the turning point came when he got X Box Live (is that what it's called?) where he would play games with other people, but all of them in their own houses. Going out to other people's houses seems to have followed on naturally from this.

I really feel for your son - it must be heartbreaking. My heart always pangs anyway when I see teens shuffling through town on their own - they could well be perfectly happy but I always feel sorry for them, iykwim.

My dd was badly bullied when she was 14 - it is a hard age for teens I think, no longer in the first 2 years at school, SATS and options coming up, everyone maturing at different rates. She also went to school miles away from where she lived, which didn't help with the isolation. In the end the bullying got so bad that I moved school - it was the best thing I ever did and she is nearly 16 now and flourishing, and very happy.

However, when she first moved schools she was a nervous wreck. She had been very confident but she had been so badly bullied she was in bits. She has always been very sporty, so I encouraged her to join a local Rugby team in the city, where she knew nobody. This had been recommended to me by the PSHE staff at school - they knew a lot of girls who went there who had had less than happy lives, and it had helped with their confidence, and the girls ended up making friends.

Another thing which I would highly recommend is the local air cadets - they often take in children with low confidence, and they have so much fun there. I don't know what your moral opinion is on military cadets, and I was very wary of it, but dd has done her silver Duke of Edinburgh there (which is a lot of fun), has been on camps, has been flying, but most importantly she has felt cared for, liked and part of a team. Most of her best friends are from cadets and rugby (and as she has gained confidence from these activities she has made more friends at school, I think happy people are atrracted to happy people iyswim).

I would speak to the school about your son, and see if there is anything that they can recommend (and also see if he is as lonely at school). Plus, I really would encourage to try to get him interested in a well structured out of school activity - such as cadets, scouts, sports. Karate would be perfect if he could get back into it.

Good luck - I know you must feel awful.

Thanks for all the replies. He doesn't dress any differently to his friends, has fashionable clothes...it's more his body language that makes him stand out if that makes sense? I saw him coming along the road towards me a few weeks ago and instantly knew it was him by his hand wringing even though I couldn't see his face.

He's keen to join clubs/go to activities but there's very little around here for them to do. There's a gym but lads his age are only allowed with an adult (in case they start messing around with their mates) so that defeats the object really. He doesn't like any sports (has never really been very good at them). He considered the cadets but thinks he's going to get shouted at all the time! (can you tell me a bit more about them Lord?) I did encourage him to keep up with the karate but since they cancelled the class for the smaller kids and put them all together he felt like he wasn't learning anything new and got bored. It's a real shame, he was only two belts away from his black.

The school are aware of his problems and he's under the senco (Dyspraxia but no formal "diagnosis" as such) but I guess there's only so much they can do. A lot of the after school clubs have been cancelled now due to funding being cut....and i'm not sure how to find out what's going on in our area....any websites I can have a look at? He's more into things like music (plays the guitar at beginner level, class got cancelled) and did mention photography at one point (cancelled yet again).

The funding cuts have been terrible for kids, haven't they? In my area the council have a list of most of the youth clubs, lessons and activities. You could try ringing your council to see if they have any information.

Could you advertise in a local shop window for a guitar tutor? A student might do lessons at your house for a bit of cash.

Does the scout association run in your area? www.scouts.org.uk

Just a thought, but would it be worth going to see your GP? Perhaps just on your own first to see whether they can offer any counselling to help improve his self-confidence.

Also, it's national bullying awareness week this week, I wonder if you could talk to the parents of the bullying children to make them aware? Depends on your situation. www.bullyingawarenessweek.org/

I've got every sympathy with you, I hope you both find a way through to happier times.
x

Hi thefrogs - here is a website www.raf.mod.uk/aircadets/ which has a search facility which will locate the nearest Air Cadet squadron to you. It also has some more info.

Tell him not to worry about them shouting at you - they ease kids in gently, and they are very inclusive. There are a couple of kids in my dd's squadron who have additional needs, there is a boy with aspergers, a boy who is profoundly deaf, and a boy who is has suffered with mental health issues and self harming. They are very good with all the kids - there is no yelling as such (other than when they are doing drill then it is just shouting 'attention' and all that stuff) but there is a lot of gentle chivvying, and general matiness. DD was a nervous wreck when she started, and they were very good with her indeed.

They do an enormous amount of stuff - dd has done the D of E with them, and also Ten Tors (a great big walk). They do charity work as well. They also do a lot of activity stuff, dd has been gliding, flying, aerobatics, abseilling, shooting, Krypton Factor style assault courses. Also, if your son likes sports, they have very well managed sports tournaments. DD has played at hockey, netball, football and athletics tournaments all over the country - a lot of sports fixtures have been cancelled at her school, so this has been brilliant for her as she is very sporty.

They also go on camps - dd has been to the air tattoo at Fairford (camped there for a week), has been to a camp in Holland ands is going skiing next Spring in Canada.

She loves it - I highly recommend it. I would suggest your son going along for a session at his cadets, there is no obligation to stay, and it would give him an idea what they are like.

That said - I think air cadets and sea cadets are a bit different to the army cadets - dd says that the army cadets are very shouty.

Is there a local amateur dramatics group? He doesn't have to act, but could do the lighting or build the sets or whatever.

My DS has just started air cadets as he didn't do anything out of school. He's only been going a couple of weeks, but really likes it - so far. They do seem pretty caring, I have to say and much nicer than the army cadets next door! Ours costs £10 per month and that's for two 2 1/2 hour meetings per week.

If no air cadets nearby then you could try sea cadets - they have been fantastic with DS who has mild SN - very supportive and not shouty, but structured and instil good behaviour. They admit from the age of 10 so have to be a bit gentler that the other cadet corps.

As Mrs AJ says, Local Am Dram quite useful if he doesn't want to associate with people from school - DS has taken up backstage stuff. Choirs uncool, but again you meet people from across the wider horizon. What about a different martial art? It sounds as though he's pretty good. And volunteering also a good idea, getting into the early stages of eg the Red Cross. Something that has a cross section of the age range is often pretty unjudgmental and confidence building until they can face their peer group.