18-yr-old DD has anxiety disorder but refuses all help

[fjane37]

Over the past few months, my daughter has developed progressively volatile mood swings, to the point where she is sometimes so anxious she is unable to attend school or even leave the house. She screams, she weeps, she howls...for hours on end. Sometimes the focus is clothing (can't decide what to wear, hates herself in everything) but the slightest thing will set her off ('you didn't wake me in time!') It is a more generalised disorder than BDD (body dysmorphia) but that is clearly an element. She is slim and pretty (and no, I am not being biased here!), she has a boyfriend and plenty of friends ? though she has massive fallings-out on a regular basis. She is intelligent and creative but lacks confidence. The main problem is, she absolutely refuses to take any kind of anti-depressant, or to see a psychiatrist or other therapist. Her school attendance is hovering around the 50% mark. There is a hormonal element I think (it's worse when she's menstruating) and she has at last agreed to go on the pill, so I'm hoping that will help a bit. But that won't be enough. I work from home, but recently I haven't been able to work at all, because whole days are eaten up with trying to calm/counsel her, even though I don't want to, nor do I feel qualified to do so. An Outreach team is supposed to be coming to us next week, but I'm dreading her reaction to this. Has anyone else overcome anything like this?

OK, clearly I picked the wrong forum...

I would suggest probably wrong time of day at weekend not wrong forum
Sorry I don't have anything more constructive but didn't want your post to go unanswered

I'm so sorry. This sounds incredibly difficult, and anything I say will probably sound trite to you. I don't know anything about this kind of disorder. Has it come on suddenly, or has she had problems (maybe less acute) in the past? The outreach team seems like a good idea. Can you talk to her? Does she realise she has a problem? Why does she think she is feeling bad? How are you feeling yourself?
I don't want you to feel ignored , so I'm just answering even though I'm not sure what to say.

Thank you MrsSnaplegs: encouraging to know that more responses might yet come, then. Was very aware of the multiple responses other questions posted around the same time were getting. Snailoon: I talk to her all the time! That is practically all I do these days.

It was not a sudden onset: she had mild neuroses along these lines before, but only to the level that is typical teenage girl stuff (what 16-year-old girl doesn't agonise over her appearance??!)

After a happy, productive time at primary school, the secondary years have been difficult: bullied at her first school (yrs 7&8) then transferred to one with high academic standards but although she had passed the entry exams (she'd been on the waiting list and there was another test at point of entry) it later transpired that she's borderline dyspraxic (no teacher had ever flagged up a problem before). She was happy socially at that school, but even though we did all we could to get her the support she needed, that school was really not geared up for these things and her motivation plummeted, surrounded by all these girls without the difficulties she was experiencing. She then moved to a tutorial college, where she is now.

So there's a bit of background. Why does she think she feels so bad? Good question. I think she's convinced herself it's exclusively down to the menstrual cycle, and once that's sorted she'll be OK. But she won't: the problems are more deep-seated and wide-ranging than that.

Sorry, this is SO complicated and what's needed is psychiatric help...this is just a parent who is at the end of her tether, because DD simply will not accept any of that. How am I feeling myself? It's ruining my life. I need to work, and this is preventing that from happening. It's destroying family life. So...I'm anxious, frustrated, constantly working on what else can possibly be done.

From what you have written it sounds like getting your daughter to see a health professional is key.
The outreach time should hopefully be skilled in engaging with reluctant people, maybe you could initially sell it to your daughter as, for example, them coming to provide parenting advice for you (as removing the focus from her might also take pressure off her with this visit, and also means she doesnt really get to object to it, IYSWIM)

Thank you catsareevil, that's really helpful point, I will take your advice and let you know how it goes. Obviously I still have to make sure she's here, and that she understands that her talking to them is part of the process. There's no knowing how well that will go.

I have some experience of this; am desperately trying to juggle work and dd's anxiety (which doesn't seem as bad as your dd's but is still impacting on her life and ability to attend school).

She is having counselling from CAHMS and they have said if she were older (still young teen) they might consider medication; as it is, we are trying to hold out without it. She saw a community team (CAHMS and SS) for a while until they decided they had done all they could and referred to CAHMS. She is now getting CBT therapy and though her panic attacks haven't stopped she does seem a bit more hopeful about the future.

The difficulty in your case, I suspect, is that your dd is officially an adult, so it's harder for you to put your foot down and say "I have booked an appointment and you are going". You have to persuade her.

If she could only accept that this Outreach team could have solutions that would make her life a much happier place to be. It would probably also help if they could make her see that it may not be a case of quick fixes: even with medication (which might not be the first point of call) it can take a while before you start to feel better.

Hi Cory, yes, CBT can be a great help ? and as you say, it's not a quick fix, so perhaps with time the panic attacks will subside altogether, or she'll recognise the signs of onset and know how to bring it under control. Obviously best if it can be treated without medication, but if it continues for too long, and you aren't getting your work done, you shouldn't feel bad about going down that route.

I know my own dd certainly wouldn't expect any quick fixes, but I do think that just having a plan of action ? once it's acknowledged that such a plan will help ? can be a massive relief. She has actually done 6 months of psychiatric treatment + anti-depressant and it turned things around for her, so it's perverse that she should have such a negative attitude. I know where that's coming from, though ? the not-so-great experiences of a friend, who had to go into residential care.

I don't feel bad about the idea of putting dd on medication, in fact I did ask them to do that, but the doctor was not keen due to her low age and the risks of side effects so we are trying to hang in a bit longer

hope your dd finds the confidence to access more help

I can see how a friend having a bad experience would upset her, hope she can see past that though

why not post this in mental health issues - there are a lot of kind people on there who will be able to give you some advice

Cory, you don't mention how old she is...well, good luck with it all.

You make a good point re: the friend: it may be that dd perceives our constant attempts to persuade her to have therapy as a failure to validate her feelings based on that experience. I think what we've omitted to do is address that. For her it must feel as if we're trying to sweep that under the carpet, pretend it isn't there. She thinks we don't understand ? and to some extent she's right, because we've never actually visited the girl in the residential home. I've heard descriptions, and it does sound awful; no wonder dd is scarred by that. Our job I suppose is to listen to her more and validate her feelings about that; then the task would be to help her to see that it has no bearing on what psychiatric help can do for her...and indeed, that by seeking that help now, she can ensure that she is never in that situation.

Maryz: thanks for the moodgym suggestion: I hadn't heard of that. Worth suggesting, I guess. I can SO relate to what you say about getting emotionally invested in their moods: I am about to go on prozac myself, because it's getting to the point where it's affecting my social life (as well as completely obliterating my work) and I'm on the verge of tears half the time. I have got better at seeming detached, but I still get the hours of badgering about what she should do and while it's possible to keep calm during that, it's impossible not to be affected. I would take myself off to a cafe to work, but I've never got on with that, I find it too distracting.

Thanks so much, all of you: I'm new to Mumsnet and had no idea whether these sort of issues were addressed here. Relieved to find they are, as this is so isolating. Do please keep coming with your thoughts & suggestions.

Mollymole: thank you, I will look for that. As I say, I'm new to Mumsnet and don't find it all that easy to navigate around.

Hi have just read this .... Is it still live. I sympathise with you as I am in similar position but dd is 13 and we are getting cahms help and she has just been put on medication to ease anxiety over bdd and eating issues. My dd is also v pretty and popular but focussed that face makeup takes 2 hours each time we go out and we have lots of meltdowns. She has also been diagnosed with aspergers. I would recommend to try and get professional help as m
Dd was not willing to admit anything was wrong or amiss but now wants to know when the medication will help her feel less anxious. Melt downs are so destructive to family life..... Best of luck.

I sympathise, my daughter suffers from depression and social anxiety that started when she was about 13, eventually she dropped out of school completely. After years of me desperately taking her along to every agency going (CAMHS, social services, counsellors etc etc, none of whom really got to the bottom of her anxieties) she was eventually put on a mild dose of anti-depressants. Sadly, although they helped with her mood they made her anxiety far worse and she started having panic attacks which had never happened before. So she stopped taking them and returned to her tried and tested route of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs :(. She's now 18 and like your daughter is resistant to seeking help, although she is in the process of being transferred to the adult mental health team. Whether she will attend any appointments remains to be seen. I second the people who suggest that you get as much support for yourself as you can - hopefully if you're starting prozac then it will even out the peaks and troughs for you a little. Life goes on, and I've realised over the years that there is nothing I can do to "fix" her - and by getting increasingly anxious about her I am in part confirming her fears about the future. I try now to be supportive and to only intervene when she's really low because I fear that I might be enabling her behaviours. I've had a lot of kind words from this site over the years, and it certainly helps to talk about it all. Good luck!