How it is in our house - feel helpless

[Sloobreeus]

DS 24 DD1 23 and I are estranged and I am divorced. DD2 17 lives with me but is staying with friends/bf this weekend - difficult atmosphere at home. She is completely unhelpful - have stuggled with putting furniture back after carpet fitting while she watches TV, she expects to dictate which house and furniture we buy, she doesn't do washing up or help in the house at all. No, I don't just roll over so it's rows all the way. She wants a servant and I refuse to be one. Atmosphere at home is dreadful. Am an older mother, 59 with no bros or sis myself, parents dead, have only older cousins a long way away. I never expected parenthood to be easy, have done what I can but I am loathing it at the mo. I don't have any "fight" in me any more. I swither between longing for her to go to university and knowing that I will feel dreadful when she does. Can see the lonely old age hurtling forward. Have friends but all with families, mostly much younger. Just trying to keep going. So sad. Up when it gets light to go and clear out the garage. Just talking, sorry. Anyone else sometimes regret becoming a parent/imagining one could sustain a relationship with a DH/DP? Just "talking" really.

Sorry to hear you've having such a stressful time.
May I ask why are you estranged with the older ones?
I wonder if it might help you feel more connected with people, positively, if you did some kind of volunteer work.

Hi Ragged, I work full time and am trying to do up my house at weekends. Volunteering will be something to take up when I retire - probably in about 4 or 5 years time. DD1 and DS went with their father after a highly acrimonious divorce.

Have you sat down with DD2 recently and explained how you are feeling? She doesn't realise the importance of your love in her life. Ask her how she feels about making you feel this way? Then ask her if/how she could help to change things. If she can't think of anything then you go ahead with your list of jobs she can take on, ie cleaning up afterself and helping with cleaning. She'll be out on her own soon enough and will she have a clue how to manage her daily life?
My mum never asked me to do any cleaning or tidying and it did me no favours when I left home.
Ultimately make it clear to her that, with a bit of effort on both sides, home life can be so much more relaxed.
Your not trying to cramp her style you just want life to be more peaceful.
Try to sit her down for a chat soon. She's not respecting you as an individual.

Sloobreeus - so sorry to hear all this. As far as your older children are concerned, I hope the estrangement doesn't go on for much longer - they'll latch on to the fact one day that they need and want you back in their lives - are you able to communicate with them at all, in any way?

Your DD2 - agree with bumbums. Talking is a very good start. Does she see her older siblings - does she miss them? Discuss with her what you could both do to make home life more peaceful, happier. Have a realistic plan. Gives her chores and plan treats.

You say you have no 'fight' left in you. Don't think in terms of 'fighting', you'll exhaust yourself. Could you have a break yourself? Could you recharge your batteries, perhaps over a weekend? Is it possible DD2 would go somewhere with you.

A lot of us have had not dissimilar experiences to you. We know how tiring it is and dispiriting. It's time you took control. Look after yourself - you can't hope to make changes if you don't - insist that DD2 does stuff her bit in the house and have that discussion. It can all change.

Talking seems the way forward, but make sure it is a two-way process, not just "do you realise how you make me feel?" To get her to listen to you, you also need to listen to her. And you need to make time for something in your lives which is not serious talks or nagging, but a bit of light-hearted fun, something that reminds the two of you that you can still enjoy spending time together. Don't make it anything that you will have to spend money on that you may then resent, though; that will only drive a deeper wedge.

Sloo - how's it going? Have you been able to talk to DD2? Or rather with her! Wishing you lots of luck - and you aren't alone with such troubles! Many of us know something of what you're going through - very tough but there are ways through.

That sounds so sad. I used to feel very resentful of my DD17 and to be honest I still find it hard work sometimes.
But getting out of the house has been the key for me - taking on more work and going out at least for an hour in the evenings to a fitness class or whatever. If its a mess and not much food at home tough - I am not looking at it all the time thinking why me. There'll be years later when I am alone and I can have it exactly how I like it. I make sure there's always soup and bread and fruit and that way we eat less exciting meals but its healthy. And when we talk it doesn't have to be about what she didn't do to meet my standards.