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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage DD refuses to sit with family for meals- becoming very antisocial!

21 replies

Gailforcewind · 05/11/2011 19:30

My 14yr old dd ,who tends to be rather antisocial at the best of times, is now refusing to eat with the rest of the family at dinnertime and wants to eat alone at the kitchen table afterwards. I have said no to which she has replied ' well I just wont eat then '.Whats the best way to handle this? She is getting a bit conscious of weight etc (although she is not at all overweight) and I dont want to make a big issue over food etc. Would it be unreasonable to confiscate her laptop if she flatly refuses to eat with us ? I have no other way of bargaining with her really(not bothered by tv/phone etc). I dont want to allow her to eat after everybody else as she is very unsociable as it is? I really dont know how to handle this! Help!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 05/11/2011 19:40

I'd say don't take her laptop.

You will get into a battle of control over each other, which won't be good.

I don't really know what's going on here, but I know think things can easily spiral with teenagers and food, ans as you say you don't want to make a big issue over food. How much food is she actually eating?

Hope someone else can offer more advice.

Original poster

Gailforcewind · 05/11/2011 20:03

Thanks Lynette. She is eating fine at the moment but certain questions she has asked etc lately have led me to believe she is thinking a lot about body image etc.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 06/11/2011 10:53

Will she tell you why she doesn't want to eat with the rest of the family?

Is it because a sibling is annoying her or maybe she doesn't want people watching her eat?

dexter73 · 06/11/2011 18:04

Tbh I would probably let her eat later if it was a choice between her eating or not eating. I agree with Lynette about not letting it become a battle. She might get bored of doing it if she realises it isn't going to cause a confrontation.

Mrsrobertduvall · 06/11/2011 19:37

Dd has ocd and has a real problem with ds at mealtimes, constantly asking if he's washed his hands, panicking if the food is cooked properly.last week I said enough was enough and she has to have her meals separately. She hates it as she likes a family meal.
Tonight she begged me to have Sunday tea together, I said yes, and she was ok.
She nearly wobbled a couple of times but kept it under control.
I would ask why she wants to eat on her own....,does she eat if friends are round?

notjustme · 06/11/2011 23:23

I must admit, we don't have that issue here as we very rarely eat around the table together - but when we do, tbh if DD2 doesn't want to eat at the table then I wouldn't be having a fight about it - that's really small fry compared to the stuff we really need to fight about!

There'll be a reason behind it but if she's offering to sit at the table by herself and eat after everyone else then I'd just let her, providing she's not doing it as some way to get around eating a proper meal - she can serve up a tiny portion/bin half of her meal if you aren't around so I'd want to check that she's definitely eating.

It's normal for teens to be anti social really, until they want something from you of course!

mjlovesscareypants · 06/11/2011 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Gailforcewind · 06/11/2011 23:49

Thanks everyone-very helpful advice I think from all of you . The reason she wont eat with us is because she ' doesnt want us talking to her or looking at her '(only one other younger brother by the way-11 yrs). She does join in if friends are round etc but lately she hardly ever has anyone round and I know its by choice- just seems to prefer to be on her own. All your comments are really appreciated . I will certainly take them on board! Thanks ladies!

OP posts:

Tortington · 07/11/2011 00:11

i can only answer in reference to my children

it would go one of two ways

don't eat then

i can say this knowing with absolute certainty that my children would not forfeit 2 meals in sucession

me shouting " Sit your arse at this table RIGHT NOW!"

mjlovesscareypants · 07/11/2011 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

notjustme · 07/11/2011 12:45

Whereas I have a DD2 that is stubborn enough to stick by the 'fine, I won't eat then' rule and will go without...then you start having the worry about creating eating problems out of inflexibility.

I think it's not an easy one to win, but I would rather have a teen eating a healthy amount of good food that I have cooked, but on their own, than forcing the issue and ending up with a teen who isn't eating or who is eating crap every night because they are having to cook for themselves and can't be bothered to cook anything that's good for them.

Original poster

Gailforcewind · 07/11/2011 14:05

NOTJUSTME you are spot on! I know for a fact she will go without-no problem doing that. Will then later in evening have sevaral yogurts ,few biscuits etc. I think I would prefer her to have proper healthy meals actually. I really dont want food to become a big issue at this age.I think I will let it happen 'her way' for a while and see how it goes. Thanks everyone for all your comments.

OP posts:

lesstalkmoreaction · 07/11/2011 14:12

Not worth an argument but it is worth a compromise, why not suggest if she wishes to eat on her own then fine during the week but at weekends you would like her to join you.
She may well be hungry some nights and decide not to wait. Or she may fancy cooking her own dinner, I would be a bit flexible with this.
I have 2 teenage dd's and they often don't eat with us and their siblings during the week due to activities interfering, not being hungry, doing homework and wanting to finish, fancy cooking their own meal etc. But we do sit down together on a sunday if we are all home together.

Original poster

Gailforcewind · 07/11/2011 22:32

Thats a good compromise LESSTALK- might just try that. Thanks!

OP posts:

tessofthedurbeville · 08/11/2011 19:25

So that food isn't the issue could you say that she is welcome to sit and eat her dinner after you have eaten yours - but you would like her to sit with the family for at least the first part of the meal as it is important family time - she could sit at the table or on a chair in a corner of the room or whereever she is comfortable. I think you need to monitor her food intake carefully - and surreptitiously just in case the food is becoming an issue in her mind.

pointydog · 08/11/2011 19:33

Is she irritated and slightly disgusted by the sound of people eating? Or was that just me

I'd start off by telling her to squeeze some perspective from her teenage brain and realise how rude she's being.

If the worst came to the worst, I'd tell her she could choose two nights a week to eat on her tod.

PastGrace · 08/11/2011 19:34

I have friends who did this, and some of them developed full blown eating disorders and some didn't. I think maybe it is worth letting her eat alone, if nothing else for your own peace of mind, but I would just point out that if she is properly alone (ie. you cannot see her) then you don't actually know she IS eating. Sorry if that sounds negative/unhelpful, but I thought it might be worth bearing in mind.

If she doesn't like being watched, would she eat with you if you were all watching tv? So the focus isn't on the food? This might not be something you are happy with, or that would be helpful, but it might be a way of distracting her into eating so that she can build a foundation from which to progress, hopefully ending up not being bothered at all.

thisisyesterday · 08/11/2011 19:43

i would let her eat after everyone else.

maybe it's a control issue. maybbe it's something else... but I would rather have her eating where I could see her than not eating, or pretending she is eating elsewhere.

I guess my way of looking at it is that it isn't going to hurt anyone. Yes, it's preferable if she can sit and eat with the rest of you, but it won't hurt if for the timebeing she eats afterwards.
I'd prob tend to hover in the kitchen and chat with her while she eats

Grammaticus · 10/11/2011 09:22

If you decide to let her eat after everyone else, make sure it is definitely less nice than eating with you. Make sure the food has been put on the plate at the same time as everyone else's so it is a bit cold. Take your time over your meal so she is hungry and kept waiting. Run out of the best bits once in a while. And make sure there are no snacky foods in the house as alternatives, only toast and fruit. I suppose I mean, let her if you feel you must, but discourage her.

Thumbelina46 · 10/11/2011 22:54

Well, I have been letting her eat after us most nights but once or twice a week she has agreed to eat with us, which is fine! As thisisyesterdaysaid already,I feel its not really causing any harm to anyone and at least she's having a proper meal. I just need to accept it for nowantisocial as it isand thanks to all for your comments. Really helpful!

bnm · 10/11/2011 23:02

I am in favour of Grammaticus' idea. You could give it a good try. Also she must clear up and wash up after herself don't come back to clear up for her.

Maybe talk about being worried and discuss going to a doctor for help either in her earshot or to her direct.

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