Parties for yr10s - alcohol?

[soda1234]

I have spent the last hour trying to reassure my beautiful, slim, clever (only described her as such because she can't see she is) daughter, that she is not a "freak" because she doesn't have a boyfriend.

She goes to a girl's school and apparently all the other girls have bfs, I know they don't, and she knows that the ones who claim to have bfs never actually see them or go anywhere together.

I intend to show her this thread so if you have a year 10 daughter going through similar worries please post.

Trying to help I suggested a house party here pre-Christmas, she loved the idea but then said "people won't come if there is no alcohol". Am I totally naive? I was completely gobsmacked.

Neither of my children (dd and her twin brother) have ever had more than a sip of alcohol, and as far as I'm concerned, in our house, they won't for another couple of years.

I told dd we would welcome her friends, but we would check bags, and not let anyone in who was obviously under the influence.

Why do 14/15 yos expect alcohol at parties? Do some parents provide it? Am I completely out of touch? I would expect to provide loads of soft drinks and nibbles.

I'd love to throw a great party for dd and ds, with great music and nice food and drink .

Will anyone come?

its wrong its not bbig and its not clever, but it is whats done

you cant have a cool party at your house with cheesy puffs and some 'hip' music mum.

take her and a couple of friends to a spa or soemthing.

oh and daughter, i guarentee there are at least 3 lads too shy to talk to you, desperate for a girlfriend.

I have a DD in Year 9 and a DD in Year 11.

Firstly, the alcohol thing...

DD1 has certainly been to parties with alcohol. DD2 (just into Year 9) hasn't ever admitted that she has, and I haven't seen signs that she has, but I won't rule it out.

However, we've had parties for both DDs without alcohol. DD1 had a 'murder mystery' dinner party for her birthday in August which worked really well. We had 3 courses, the girls (and boys) dressed up in dresses/suits, and we bought one of the murder mystery games, so each guest had a part to play and a script. There was a cd that provided narration too, I'm secretly a little jealous and might make DH play it some time..

Anyway, it worked really well, everyone got involved and no drinking was done by anyone. Lots of the kids said they loved it - the girls liked to dress up, and the boys enjoyed being fed I suspect! Plus there were some excellent, obligatory Facebook photos taken whilst they were dressed up!

DD1 chose the menu, I cooked it (I'm a soft touch) and DD2, 3 and 4 were 'waitresses', which they secretly enjoyed. To drink, they had lemonade/orange juice/schloer type drinks, followed by coffee and mints (sooo grown up!) You could definitely do a christmas themed one, and it gives the night a shape, to stop the 'I'm so booooored' teenage thing, which I suspect is why drink ends up being the feature.

Next, the boyfriend thing...

DD1 has had a boyfriend in the past, and I'm sure she will have one again. DD2 has not. DD1 says that the girls who claim to have boyfriends who no-one ever sees are usually the most insecure, and recommends being honest and saying 'there's nobody special enough to have caught my eye'. It's good to be fussy apparently. Oh and DD1 says boys are 'really shy' and often like girls, but are scared of being laughed at and rejected. So there you are, words of wisdom, straight from my 15 year old.

When did they get so grown up?!

The bf thing is nothing to worry about. My ED has a steady bf but she does not cling to him and has other friends and interests. she says she does not need a steady bf.

My YD never seems to go out with boys but she has loads as friends. She gets annoyed if I ask so I gave up. I think the boy she likes has a gf and he has gone off to university. I think she is holding out for him

We hired inflatable slides and a bouncy castle for DD2s 16th. DH, DD1 and I supervised and made sure no alcohol was sneaked in. One boy tried to bring in a few cans of beer but Dh confiscated them and ejected the culprit. The rest of the group had a great time and reverted to behaving like excited 5 year olds.
As to boyfriends, they will come in time. DD2, who has recently split from her first boyfriend, says most teenage boys aren't very bright or interesting and she has much more fun with her girlfriends.

My DD was the same in Yr 10 re the boys thing but by Yr 11 she had worked out that most of these so called relationships were not much more that facebook statuses as the people hardly ever met up and largely ignored each other at school!! So in Yr 11 she focussed on her exams and stopped worrying about it, moved to a new school for Yr 12-13 vowing that she didnt need a boyfriend and within 6 weeks of being there she has got one!He is in the year below, very sweet and they are just enjoying getting to know each other. Re the alcohol, my DD has been at parties where alcohol has been available ( either sneaked in or offered in modest amount by host) but doesn't like it herself- manages to wander round holding a small bottle of cider all night so she doesn't get people pestering her to have a drink all night, but usually barely touches it and actually drinks J2O or juice ( she doesn't like fizzy drinks!). There have been one or two incidents of people in her year completely overdoing it so she has seen the consequences! Personally I wouldn't have a party with alcohol at home until they are all nearer 18- at the end of the day if some 15 year old collapses after too much and ends up in hospital, you can bet that the "relaxed parent" who was happy to let their kid come to the party with cans of beer will be the one getting the police to press charges on you!!

DS just started yr 11 went to a lot of parties in yr 10 and I think most of them had alcohol of some sort, some less than others, but he is usually quite sensible where alcohol is concerned. However thinking about it most of DS's friends are actually the year above, so they were actually yr11 parties.

DD yr9 hasn't really been to any parties like that yet.

I have a DS in Year 11. In year 10 there was no alcohol at parties.
None.
Year 11 seems to be different and there has been some at all the parties since September.
He has had a girlfriend since year 9 but by no means all of his friends have girl or boyfriends.

Dd is in Yr 10, ordinary state school, and there has not been alcohol at any of the parties she has attended this year. In fact, the most successful party was a retro old-fashioned children's party with party games. The girl who smuggled alcohol to school one day was viewed with pitying glances by the rest, definitely not a great move to enhance her street cred.

Anyway, I wouldn't provide alcohol for dd's parties even if I were the only mum holding out: alcohol poisoning is not a pretty sight and it is unlikely that the parents who had to rejoined their unconscious teen at her bedside in A&E would simply smile tolerantly at the organiser of the party.

As for boyfriends- dd's friends have been having boyfriends since Yr 7: what they mean by boyfriends. Not what an adult would understand by a boyfriend. One or two of them may have lost their virginity, but for the vast majority a "boyfriend" at this age means somebody you are claiming as your boyfriend to your friends and who lets you do so (it is still more about interacting with others), maybe holding hands with or exchanging a chaste kiss behind the lockers- but they are still very fleeting relationships, more about pecking order in the class than actual relationships. And plenty of girls don't seem to have boyfriends- it's just that the ones who boast about them are more in evidence.

DD1 is Year 11 and has never had a boyfriend. I think she feels it a bit sometimes, too, but she definitely isn't the only one. Her best friend hasn't either. One of her friends in Year 9 changed her relationship status to in a relationship, but when I asked DD about it she said it was just someone she met a youth club and they'd agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It seemed not to involve any actual going out together and within a few weeks she was back to single again.

DD2 is Year 8 and has had a string of "boyfriends", but they're much like everything described here. They don't actually go anywhere together, just stick together at clubs they go to and message each other on facebook. It really isn't a boyfriend in the way your daughter perhaps imagines and certainly nothing that I am worried about. When she's seen him she talks endlessly about him but it's pretty much out of sight, out of mind right now!

Your daughter is certainly not unusual.