I can't cope with this behaviour!

[teenhell]

I would be really really greatful for any advice anyone has please

My dd is 14 and i really don't know what is happening to her, basically she is not doing anything she is told and being really devious and disrespectful.
She takes anything from any member of the family that takes her fancy and frequently goes through my stuff and takes things.
I have recently found out that she has been posting risque photographs of herself on facebook and recieving comments on them from men in their 20's, i have also seen the type of language she uses whilst on there and am frankly disgusted.
she has repeatedly run up her mobile phone bill and this months was £80!!
She has a boyfriend who dd said was a year older than her, it turns out he is 2 years older and a complete yob who has been thrown out of school.
she is also lying to me constantly about where she is going, i have discovered she has been going to a nearby village which is a few miles away,god knows how she has been getting there.
I just don't know what to do, I have really lost the plot with her today and taken her phone and laptop and grounded her indefinatly.
I don't know what has happend to her, I don't even like her at the minute

Yes, take the phone, take the laptop, get a member of local police to come and talk to her re the theft (they'll do this - enough to put the fear of God into her). Does she get pocket money? If so, you keep it until you've gone some way towards the £80.

The first time I posted on MN was in absolute despair at my (then) teenage DD. All I can tell you is that she's a lovely, thoughtful adult now - those days feel like a nightmare, like it wasn't really us. But she reduced me to tears so often - she just felt out of control, certainly out of my control. But it passes - you have some long, tough years ahead of you but you will get your girl back, I promise.

In the meantime - zero tolerance re all the shit. Try and regain a bit of control - like a toddler, she's pushing boundaries and I think it does help them to know what the boundaries are. On a good day, when you can bear it, make a real effort to have some quality time - try to go out or do something together, keep the communication going. And count to ten a lot.

ITA with hassled!

Is she still going to school- ring them and check. Maybe fill her form teacher in on your worries.

From a practical POV get her phone either capped by the provider ( I assume it's on contract?) or take the contract SIM (but keep paying it- its a contract you are stuck with it) and giver her a P+G SIM (something like giffgaff would get her unlimited txts and data plus some calls with a £10 "goody bag"). THat will increase your costs a biy but by a capped £10 not £80!

I'm afraid I'd be putting a lock on my bedroom door too...

You have got to have a safe sex chat with her I'm afraid. In this sort of senario I'm afraid I's assume they are having sex- you can't change that but you can strongly suggest that she gets an implant and a large amount of condoms from the GP/FPC.

Is she drinking/taking drugs?? Ask her calmly and outright. Of course the simple answer is "hell no girl, never put any crap into your body" but actually now you need to know if she's been indulging in risky behaviour- and any alcohol outside a family setting to me would be risky, let alone any drugs- but you want her safe if you can't stop her doing something ( and I suspect a 14yr old would find a way to do what ever she wanted if she was determined enough) . I'd be wary of kids stealing and things dissapearing- that's a classic "funding a drug habit" picture.

Have a look here www.talktofrank.com/

Much hugs- not the MN way I understand but have some anyway!

I may be wrong (I'm sure there'll be people along soon to tell me if I am!) as I was very lucky with my DCs and I wonder if part of that was that we always had very defined "boundaries". As Hassled said this is probably the time for zero tolerance, you may have to be strong and prepare yourself to battle.

Timidviper.. you were probably lucky sorry had to say it!!

But I agree with the rest..now is the time to become the most unpopular mother ever..and come down very hard on her.
The phone thing is easy.. remove her sim (I second Giffgaff btw, google them....run on the O2 network and their deal is a p+g one ..I have switched all my teens to it as their contracts ended, and myself and it is SO much cheaper!). She needs to pay you back what she owes too.. whether by doing jobs or loss of pocket money..

I put my DD2's phone in our safe for 2 months after she came home legless at 14.... she hasn't done it since! (now 17)

The boyfriend is worrying because the chances are she is having sex if he is a couple of years older.. you need a calm clear conversation and if needs must, maybe think about her going on the pill if you can't be sure they use condoms:(

However..please don't despair.. she probably will become human again eventually! I have 4 teens, and we are moderate parents.. pretty open but with a few strict boundaries.. two teens have been easy, one (DD2) did the alcohol -lambrini thing, and one , DS1..was hideous.. stole, lied, got in trouble with the police with his moped at 16, got arrested for something that thankfully he hadn't done.. I didn't trust him at ALL and he was rude, nasty, violent.....

and now at 18 a switch has flicked , he has become a lovely young man.. hormones settled, has a local job etc etc. I thought we would have to throw him out when he was 16 after 3 years of hellish behaviour, but he has grown up!

Incidentally my DS1 was stealing (from us) to be popular.. it went on junk food and fags and making himself look big, and in his case wasn't drugs. We got a safe in the end, but am glad to say haven't needed to use it since he was 16:) So hang in there.. be tough..be prepared for the utter vileness hat is a thwarted teenager.... she will come out the other end:)

I don't really have much advice as we're still going through it but just wanted to say you're not alone - we are having very similar problems with DD2 (14)...lying, stealing, older bfs, underage sex, etc.

I would agree with those who say put a lock on the door - it doesn't solve the issue, DD still takes anything she can lay her hands on that she fancies having as her own, and no, she doesn't sell it, she has it for herself, and you find it buried wherever she thinks you won't find it. We have a lock on the bedroom door and we leave nothing outside of the bedroom that we don't want taken. Her DGM ended up having to board up their dog flap as she even went to the level of climbing through it when no one was in the house to help herself to whatever she liked.

I would definately get the phone capped also, or if you can't get it capped, then take the sim card out and give her a PAYG - I have made it very clear to DD2 why she will never have a normal contract phone that's paid for by us - she currently has PAYG with £10 top up each month and we are looking into one of the new tesco capped tariffs for her, but that's as far as we'd go - she can get her own contract phone when she has a job and she's 18! In teens defence, I think it's hard to monitor a phone bill like that - if DD2 had a contract I know she would go over because she wouldn't keep an eye on her allowances, so she won't have one.

I can't say for definate but DD1 was certainly no saint and has mostly come through the other side now at 21, has a job, a long term bf (who's lovely), is planning on moving out in the NY and is about 90% stable mood wise!

I have posted recently with problems with my DD (13 next month). Although not drinks and photo/Fb stuff I'm sure it won't be long. I am very lucky I have a friend in London who has taken her away for nearly 3 weeks while I reflect. Before she left we had been into school where she told teacher she hated me and wouldn't come home. Teacher realised we needed help and offered to contact sure start (who now help older children) and CAMHS. DD agreed to this. Whilst away I decided to move her school but yesterday realised I couldn't cope with the backlash from that - I was considering how many pills will send me to a long sleep last week without her here. I think I'm saying, go to school and see what help they can give. I also found out that at school she is an angel and they see no sign of this behaviour. Grounding, taking phones etc have never worked for me. I am going to get her this week from London and am still trying to work out a strategy for her return. She has detached from family and attached to friends. Very hard. Hope empathy helps - it did me when I posted.