How do you know if a DS is going off the rails and what can you do? (Hugs and help needed)

[scarevola]

Up until this weekend I had thought early teen DS1 was doing OK.

He's doing all right at school, positive comments from teachers; most of his friends have been friends since primary, I know them and their parents, not aware of any major issues with any of them; spends spare time doing sports or hanging out with us (still happy to do family things) or at friends houses.

Apart from transitory moodiness and truculence, I thought we were on an even keel.

But he - and indeed his whole circle - have adapted a very urban style of speech and slang. Again, I thought I was doing OK, as he speaks ordinarily to us. (BTW, the school has no known current gang problem, but we're in a city where gang activities are a big problem nearby).

I've been fretting all night because someone has mentioned to me that using gang style slang is a bad indicator, and I should think about getting him out of this environment asap.

I'd always thought that an incomprehensible argot was what teens did; reaction against parents and all that. And I had thought that I was on the "well behaved" end as I've told the boys off when I've thought joshing had tipped over into nastiness.

I asked for a hug, because it is a bit unsettling to realise (at my age, FFS!) that I've been hopelessly over-naive.

But I also need bracing up, and a check list of things to look out for in addition to street language.

What are the other important indicators? And what have others done about them?

Many thanks for any advice.

my ds uses gang slang like "yo blood" and various other incomprehensible phrases.

We remind him that he is not black, nor american, nor in a gang. But its what they hear in their music and so they mimic their current idols.

My DD did the same, taking like a london chav, innit, - sounded like a bad katy perry.

I think its just a phase they go through, trying to fit into a cool "gang" as in group of friends, trying to find their identities - they have to try on a load of styles for size, to see how they like it.

We've (dh & I) already discussed that DS will probably want to wear his trousers around his knees, just like DD will go a bit goth in a couple of months.

try not to worry too much

Honestly?

If he isn't drinking, doing drugs, failing massively at school or getting girls pregnant, he is on an even keel.

They all do that silly raptalk thing. Well, boys do anyway. He'll grow out of it.

I don't think that sort of speech is concerning at all - especially if that's the only indicator.

Otherwise maybe I should be worried about my DH....

Trust

Panic not:) he sounds fine!

My eldest DS1 makes me CRINGE in his speech .. we live in home counties, about as far away as gang culture as you could get and yet he sounds like he has popped up from ..well who knows. If he answers the phone with 'Safe man!' one more time I shall be tempted to ram it somewhere!

I'm hoping he will have grown out of it by the age of 20

I think he sounds like a normal teen IMO.

Despite living in a fairly affluent Midlands village with relatively well spoken parents I can hear DS shouting talking to his mates on the xbox "dat geezer finks he's well solid innit"

I think they have to try lots of things out to see how it fits - not to mention being polar opposite to their parents

Thanks!

I'm feeling somewhat calmer - but as we're right by notorious areas, then it's very easy to become very worried very quickly. And I found the comment about his language surprisingly hurtful. It's been very reassuring to find out that the argot is widespread and not an inevitable marker of a bigger problem.

"I've been fretting all night because someone has mentioned to me that using gang style slang is a bad indicator, and I should think about getting him out of this environment asap."

Nonsense! Just why exactly did you let this "someone" get to you so badly? You know your own child best!

I get hours of amusement snooping reading DS's Facebook, all those West Country lads with lovely wurzel accents using gangsta slang

A lot of teenage boys talk like that. A couple of my nephews sometimes use that sort of talk and they are both fine. Don't take any notice of what was said to you, sending you a hug because bringing up teens can be hard.

My DD sounds very much like your son (hanging out with family, sports in spare time etc). She talks like that to her friends (not to us unless she's messing around). She also raps almost non stop (mostly quite innocent amusing raps though!).
Almost all of her friends (some of the girls but most of the boys) talk like that all the time. Interestingly though, she recently wrote an essay at school about her dislike of this type of speech. She read it to us at home and I have to say it was a very well thought out, intellectual, eloquent, amusing, grown up piece of work which achieved an A* at GCSE. She ended it with something like "I'm sorry if any 'gangstas' I know read this, it's nothing personal!".

I think it's something they all have to go through, then in 3 or 4 years most of them will think it's vey immature talk.

So, if that's all your DD is doing, you have nothing to worry about.

I came down with a cold and a rotten headache the day after the remarks, so perhaps I took it all to heart more than I might have at another time.

It did make me doubt myself at the time; firstly an insistence that terms weren't used like that (um, yes they are, I hear it all too often), and then the general idea that it must mean bad company and an inevitable slide into gang criminality. And the latter actually happening is the pit at my feet - and I suddenly got all worried that I only have his word that when he's at a mate's house that he is actually there.

But posters here have really helped me get a sense of proportion back. I can't account for all his time every time he is out, but I know about a fair amount of it. School is OK. No sign of any interest in girls.

I think we're OK.

Thanks everyone!

If your DS is able enough to experiment with different voices, written and verbal, then he will do v.v. well in Eng Lang! As long as he is able to switch between 'styles', you have no prob. And he can, can't he?

Please don't worry, my DS who's nearly 14 does this mucking about with his mates.

I pull him up though because I'm his boring OLD frump of a non-fun loving mum it drives me mad and don't let him use it at home.

Totally normal round here.

I remember using what we called "pidgeon language" in my day.

Just watch "Educating Essex" on C4! They ALL talk like that. Mind you it is Essex - no offense Essexers! My oldest ds sounds like a 1940s BBC presenter, my 16 yr old ds sounds like he's just stepped out of Snoop Doggy(!) video. I wouldn't worry at all. x