My daughters secret boyfriend

[Pippa5l]

Im a returnee Mumsnetter having had a few calm years with my daughter, I didnt feel the need to post. Now she is 17years old and Ive definitley felt the need to post again.
3 weeks ago I found out through her Saturday music school where she has a two year scholarship, that DD has been bunking off the music school all term and had not been staying at her school friends house for a year, she has a 20 year old boyfriend that she has been sleeping with and has been staying there for a year and has kept it all secret from me.
Having brought her up single handedly I have felt so betrayed, not because she has a boyfriend, Im totally cool about that, but that she has felt the need to lie. Its posed so many questions to me about my parenting and our relationship. To top it all the boyfriend has refused to meet me saying he "doesnt do parents". So every weekend DD has been going to stay at his house where he lives with his parents, she eats with them and has become one of his family, but he will not meet me.
We ve agreed all along that she could stay there once a week at weekends so as not to mess her school work around, but yesterday she was allowed there overnight as its half term, but she had to be back at 2pm today. Needless to say, Im at work and find out that at 3pm she is still at his house. The mother had offered to cook breakfast for her and she felt disrespectful saying no, so her curfew was once again missed.
She agreed to go home but ive had a series of texts telling me she only feels free at his house, away from me, school, the Saturday music school and the pressure of universitly looming. She knows I havent stopped her seeing him but she knows Im unhappy about it. Ive told her that all of those things are her choice and its up to her if she wants to give it all up, even though ofcourse I wouldnt like it, and to get a job, flat and pay her own bills.
Im sure all of this is completely normal but I feel absolutely falttened, betrayed and totally upset by it all.
Any suggestions of how to deal with all of this, its breaking my heart ?

Oooh Pippa I'm so sorry. You sound such a loving and open mum, its bizarre that she's acting this way. He sounds a bit of a twit, and it's strange when he seems to have a family who've welcomed your dd. I think it is 100% reasonable to want to meet the BF/GF of the child you are legally responsible for. Especially as I'd be worried he had a bit too much of a hold over her, fine if she's no longer into music and wants to give it up but it sounds like she'd sacrifice everything for this boy.
I'd encourage uni applications to go ahead, as he's older and lives locally is it unlikely he'd go to uni? Might give her some distance and perspective. Of course he could be shy and this is the romance of the decade but I doubt it.
Can you ring the BFs mum? She sounds like she cares for your daughter and might be able to encourage you all to meet or something, might be clutching at straws there though.

I'm so sorry she's shut you out of all this. I she secretive about other areas of her life? Can you try and get to the bottom of the secretiveness? Also maybe try and talk to the bofy's mum, she seems to get along with your daughter. Maybe she can make her son come round and agree to meet you. Have some very un-MN ((hugs))

You are clearly both under pressure. Your DD may be a very intelligent girl but maybe university is not right for her now. Does she need a gap year with a break from studying during which she will discover the reality grind of working? Sounds as though she might not want to go away to university and leave her bf. If so, could she go to a local univ (sorry, don't know where you are). Many, if not most, if not all teenagers can be defiant, secretive etc - all part of growing up, growing away and becoming an adult. As you say it is heart-breaking when you are told lies like this. Just stress that she can make her own decisions but if she doesn't want to go to university she will have to find a job (possibly very hard in the current economic climate). Tell her that as calmly as you can, then leave her to make her own decisions - about studying, about seeing her bf. She is old enough to impose her own timetable i.e. when she studies and for how long etc. If she doesn't get the grades and has to do retakes to get into a course she wants to do, it will be a hard-learned but beneficial lesson. Stepping back a bit may relieve some of the pressure on you. If you can, try not to tell her you won't like it if she 'gives it all up.' She is not giving up on life but maybe wants a different one from that which you and she envisaged before. So hard for you, though. Good luck!

if there is one lesson i have learned it is this

no matter what utter total wastes of space knobhead mean downright stupid boyfriends or girlfriends my teens have brought home, i have always ALWAYS been welcoming.

if i want to see my child, if i want to be able to influence and still parent my child to be in a position to guide my child...this is necessary.

to tell her that its either school or ...move out is a bit harsh - and will fuck up your relationship

your choice is this

to keep a relationship and hide your total dissapointment be in a position to guide, advise and steer your child

give them an ultimatum and watch them walk away - she will move in with his family

she could be pregnant within a year - then the 20 year old will always be part of your life - so be nice

Hi again,

Thankyou so much for your messages. Custardo, I would always be welcoming to all her friends, in fact we have her best friend living with us as she doesnt get on with her Mum. But how can I be friendly if he wont come round? Im also really keen to talk to his Mum but DD says the boyf wont allow her to give me the phone number. So Im stuck. We ve been talking this weekend and it turns out he is saying he thinks she should stand up to me, and that although he says he will meet me at some point he does not like being pressured. So although he s had a year to get used to the idea he doesnt want to be pushed !! Hes told her if she goes further than an hour away to uni the relationship is over. He also has a girl ringing at 2 am and 5am when DD is there, but DD still trusts him !!!! The more I find out the more alarm bells are ringing.
Ive so far been of the opinion that I need to keep a distance and she must make her own decisions, but when I found out he is a bit of a thug (crowbars and biting) on the street, Ive realised I need to be a bit more militant. Even DD thinks he is being unreasonable and realising that perhaps he is treating her like an idiot. I asked DD if she thought he would behave like this if her father was around and she said she didnt think so. So now I feel manipulated and controlled which I really am not happy about.
So we are now at a stand still, he wont give so Ive told her that she cannot see him until he is willing to show his face.
The added complication is that this boyf lives very near somebody who sexually molested DD a year ago, so whilst we were going through the courtcase she was secretly going round to see the boy, getting on and off the bus near this person. Im feeling very upset by that.
All in all the situation is very fragile at the moment and I am hoping for some light relief, I do not like coming home anymore !! :(

Custardo, Ive just reread your message. I hear what you are saying but are you seriously suggesting that I allow her to continue to go stay with a boy Ive never clapped eyes on in a place where I have no idea where she is? Would that not be deliberately putting her into a dangerous situation. Sorry but thats not something I can live with.

yep after re-reading my message i think thats exactly what i said

Why don't you invite his parents over for a meal?

If he 'doesn't do parents' (arrogant little scrote) you can disregard that and just build a friendship with his parents.

I'm with custy on this one..

My dd2 is now 20 years old...She has been with her bf for 3 years now and i have still never met him!

I went through exactly the same situation as you when she was 17...bunking off college staying, out all night...there is a thread I started back then where i had been up all night in the police station because she was missing..

I made the mistake of giving her an ultimatum of college and home or bf and move out and she chose the latter...I didn't have a relationship with her for almost a year after she moved out (she moved in with the bf) and she is still there now...he wont meet me still because of all the trouble back then..

We see each other often now, we meet for lunch or she visits here but its not the same as it was. we were so close back then and I still miss that..

What i am trying to say to you op is this..

Don't make her choose....you will lose... trust me on it.

At that age she will do what she wants, and the feelings she has for bf will, at this moment in her life, outweigh her feelings for you.

It's hard, but that's life.

You need to smile through gritted teeth, speak warmly of the bf and welcome him....but most of all, you need to trust her judgement...

good luck x

How very very hard for you. I have to agree though that as she is still under 18 you should know where she is staying and who with. You are still legally (and morally) responsible for her. Would she be at least be prepared to give you the address or at least the street name for starters?? You say that you have her friend living with you. Do you get on with her?? What are her views about this situation?? What does she think about the BF?? Has she or any of DD's other friends met him?? If her friend also thinks that DD is being manipulated (which it seems that she is), could she perhaps speak to DD?? Would it be appropriate to enlist her help/support?? It may be that BF is a really nice guy(!) but without meeting him or knowing something more about him, how can you judge that? If all you know of him is what you've told us about, then you have every right to be worried....I would be!
You said in your last post "Even DD thinks he is being unreasonable and realising that perhaps he is treating her like an idiot." So is there perhaps a light at the end of the tunnel?? Is she beginning to see that he is trying to control her (that's how is seems)?? You are in a very tricky position and I hope that you can resolve it without too much anguish.

Thanks all for your comments. We had a development over the weekend so I feel a little bit happier about the situation. After a few heated 'debates' over the weekend where I told DD that I wouldnt be happy to fund these trips to see this guy (travel money and mobile)that was so anti meeting me, DD decided that she needed to take charge, she was fairly strident about this too. She rang him and insisted he talk to me. So we had a phone conversation which was ok, at least an ice breaker. He told me loved DD and she is his 'babe'. He was very keen to prove himself and was quite nervous. At the end of the day what I think of him, and him of me is irrelevant, but at least I was more convinced he had my DDs interests at heart, and now we can have an open conversation.
Elesbells, an exact same scenario, Im so sorry you are in this situation. I do hear what you and Custado are saying, and maybe I should have left it alone. Im sure although this was the first time as far as Im concerned it probably wont be the last, and maybe Ill react differently the next time. This time I could nt leave it, and hopefully this might be resolving itself.

Further developments. After finding out this boy had held my daughter on the bed by the neck when a boy talked to her, forced her not to use contraception and spent the last week threatening me over the phone when I would nt let him talk to her as she was doing some late homework, my friend and I went round to his house unannounced and unwelcome. The guy looked like he had come out of a skip, he was filthy, greasy, rude, threatening and spitting. I was quite scared but my friend stood up to him. We told her he had to stop seeing her and he said it wasnt going to happen and he knew where I live etc. So after a weekend of talking to dd about his behaviour, I got home from work yesterday and it was as if the light had been switched on. She has finished with him because she cannot stand his behaviour. She has got to the stage of being angry now and cannot stand that he is threatening me. So. We ve had a break through. I dont for a minute believe this is the total end, like all obsessions this will take time to cold turkey but I believe even DD has had enough !!