I just want her to leave home for good....

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I wasnt sure where to post this as my DD is 21 yrs .

She has been living at home since April when she broke her foot falling off a chair (drunk again) at University. Her Uni course was deferred and she is half heartedly starting again this coming week. She has 2 weeks of lectures, then 3 weeks of study leave then 3 weeks annual leave, and so she will be home again. She is on a Child Nursing course and its pretty tough . She doesnt really want to continue but is half way through her training.

She is a pain to have at home. She was a teen terror from Hell, and i know most of the reason is my own fault for leaving her dad in 1994 when she was 3 yrs, and I have had 2 relationships since.

She can be nice and agreeable, but mostly still tries to dominate, control, put down and is emotionally abusive in order to get her own way. I know she is presently hurting after splitting up from her boyfriend, but i am sick of being her 'punch bag'. I have told her to go to her dads, with whom she has little relationship with. (he just hasnt bothered)
She wont go there as its out in the sticks, miles from nowhere.
She has financially contributed very little since april, even though her dad gives her an allowance of £450 a month. She spends it on travel, clothing and going out. I have had a row with her about paying her way , as i have asked and asked her since april to give some money towards household expenses...namely food etc. I only get a bit more than that , and i am keeping an 11 yr old son....
I just cant afford to keep her as I am on housing benefit and little income. Things would be different if i could.
Her bedroom is a tip and she rarely washes any dishes or housework.
The minute she walks in the door i get tense and dread it.
I love her dearly, and she means the earth to me, but i just want her now to go.

She will be staying at my sisters when she goes up to uni on monday as she has no room in Halls at Uni (yet).
How would you advise ???
How do i get her to leave without making her feel insecure and unloved..?
I dont think i can........

What a nightmare for you. Either you carry on being treated like shit, or you feel bad because you feel you are treating your daughter in an unloving way and end up with a series of rows in the meantime.

Key thing here is she is 21, not 12. She is an adult. It is her active choice to treat you like shit. It is most certainly not because you left her dad when she was three - stop making excuses for her. She's being vile.

She is not going to go to her dad's is she? So it looks like there are two big issues you could work on (maybe one at a time)

1. the way she treats you: 'control, put down, abusive to get her own way'. Can you steel yourself and stop letting this work; stop giving in to her. Just grit your teeth.
2. Money. Set an amount and ask for it every week. If she doesn't pay up then is there some kind of sanction you can impose? No food or something?

It will be horrible for a while, but will it be more horrible than it is now? Keep your eyes on the main prize and try to stick it out. It would be so wonderful to have a good, healthy relationship with her.

You have my every sympathy - I have kids this age and it is sooooo hard to get out of bad habits.

My Mum left my Dad when I was 2, I'd have never acted like your DD is. When I had money during the vacs from Uni I used to give my Mum a contribution to my up keep. I probably didn't help enough with housework/washing, but I did work at my studies and cook.
Her foot is better she can move out, if she doesn't like the course then she should go to the careers office and get advice.
Don't blame yourself, but do make it clear you are not her skivvy and she costs money, so she needs to contribute if she's at home.
She may kick off now, but its better for her in the long run.
Good luck!

I had a teen treat me like this. I also felt guilty for not being able to give her more financially, splitting up with her dad etc etc. I felt that she was emotionally damaged and I had to try and make it up to her.
Stop

The turning point for me was standing up to my bully. Had I not, she'd quite frankly be a nasty piece of work with few friends because she'd have learnt that sort of behaviour works.

I told her to move in with her father. She ignored me for two days. I think she was waiting for me to make a move to solve the problem. I didn't so she relented and we talked. I will no longer stand for that treatment and she is the loveliest girl now (mostly...she is a teen after all is said and done)

£450 is far more than I have free every month.

Tell her she has a choice. The choice is find private rent or live at home - living at home means tidying/dishes and doing her own laundry etc AND paying a nominal rent to cover food and energy bills. It also means respectful behaviour. No compromise and one strike and she's out.

You would not tolerate this from a lodger. Being family means love and consideration - not abuse. Don't tolerate it

Thank you guys for your input.

NatashaBee...An InHall room at Uni may be offered at any time . Depends if any 1st yr students have left the course prematurely. Lets hope they leave and she gets a room.. pray pray!!
I think when she is away these nxt 2 weeks i will e mail her and spell in out in no uncertain terms some of the good things said above. i.e. choice about where she lives...also ultimatems, sanctions, chores and money for keep...etc.
I often tell her she is a spoilt brat.....Compared to how my mother was with me... she is.