how do I deal with this? youngish teen and porn

[basildonbond]

I checked ds1's (he's 14) ipod internet history today and he's been looking at loads of porn sites - I've just showed him the history page and told him I'm taking his ipod off him for now (had to take his phone off him earlier as he was being vile to everyone)

He's gone upstairs muttering about invasion of privacy, which I accept it is .. but I'm not having him use my wifi to download god knows what when he's not mature enough to deal with the things he's been looking at

dh is away ... and I'd really appreciate some tips on how to deal with this sensibly ... my relationship with ds1 is not great at the moment at the best of times which has been getting me down - I feel I've lost my son at the moment and this isn't going to make it any better

We all deal with our children in different ways and I think that is what's great about Mumsnet as it gives different perspectives. Tell children that porn will make you impotent or whatever, is probably like telling a 15 year old that smoking causes cancer - they think it applies to others and not themselves. I hope you manage to sort it out, but I think he will probably watch it again if not at your house - who knows?

For me, the most important thing has been to try to understand why they do things and not condemn them for it (even if you feel this inside). My 2 dds have done things that I hate to think about, but they know my opinions and are both very very open with me and I really cherish this. Good luck - may be your husband can talk to him about it when he gets back?

You should never be looking at your ds internet history there could be things on there he really does not want you to see for a good reason and he is right it is an invasion of privacy. Bering that in mind i do understand your problem and you have nothing to worry about as almost every teenaged boy looks at porn but most just delete there internet history. Just tell him that most of the things he will see in porn are very unrealistic.

It's worth showing him this site too - it's hard because if he percieves your view as "old" or out of touch, he's unlikely to take it into account at all, and this is serious stuff. It's just that it isn't seen as serious among teens - it's only been since finding mumsnet that I really saw what the "big deal" is about porn. So if you start going in talking about how awful it is he's likely to switch off. Instead I think it's better to just say something low key about how you don't like it, and then bombard him with resources which he can read for himself which explain why it's bad and/or which counter the messages it gives out.

makelovenotporn.com is good for countering, and teen friendly. (It says you need to be 18 or over, but if he's already seen porn, there's only frank descriptions of what he's likely already seen)

Cancel the broadband to your house?

What you should do, quietly and without any fuss, is acquire one or two good books, both informative ones about sexuality and ones which are high-quality erotica. Don't say anything, don't make it obvious, leave them somewhere he can stumble across them.
At 14 it's perfectly natural to be curious about sex and interested in it, and though you are entitled to disapprove of actual porn, you need to make sure your DS doesn't get the idea that you think sex is disgusting and his interest in it shameful. Also, a few good books conveying positive messages are a good thing for him to be exposed to, you just want to avoid a cringy over-explicit conversation with him that will mortify the pair of you.

There was a discussion on Woman's Hour recently about tackling the subject of porn with teenagers (mostly boys). It made a good point to tell them: that it was all lies: the perfect bodies are a lie, the no-strings sex is a lie, the relationships are a lie, the whole thing is a lie and nothing like real sex.

I am astounded that people think its ok to let a child look at porn.
I am genuinely amazed.
If I showed a child of that age porn I could be convicted of sexual abuse.

Whatever an individual adult's stance on porn - I happen to think it is a degrading industry that exploits and ruins lives, but I know that view isnt shared by everyone - how can anyone think it is even OK for a child to access it?

He is 14. He is a child. Porn is not sex, it is porn. It is more likely to damage than educate. We want our boys to think that women are ever-willing and sexual encounters come in the shape of a nurse bending over and asking for a quick one up the arse? We want them to think that men all have huge dicks and if the dont well what kind of a man are they?

Bloody hell.

The rule in my house is NO porn. In no shape or form. No stupid Nuts magazines no 'soft porn'.

I do agree that you should block access, BTW, but I still think it's important to counter the messages he may already have got from this. And remember he may well still be able to access porn at a friend's house or on a friend's phone, so the countering is ongoing.

My ds who is now 14 did the same thing. His dad talked to him about it and I think he does not do it now.

i remember being really distressed about it so I totally sympathise. We have kept a closer eye on him. i think they get influenced by friends to look at this sort of thing as his best friend has an older brother.

I think he is going to watch it if he really wants too. He'll find a way. But I don't think for a minute you should condone it or tell him it's ok or 'natural' or whatever.
I think it's important he knows you object and that he is told why, about the industry, about its objectification of women. That this is not normal sex in the context of a relationship and that the women he ends up with will not look like that.

You might even spoil it a bit for him

I would put filters on it all.
However Tanya Byron wrote a guide about it this week in the Times and she said:

'If you allow your child to roam free online, it is your responsibility to talk to him or her about pornography Once you deem your children old enough to have internet filters removed, they have to be told what they may see. This means that you will need to have conversations with them about what they might see, which could unsettle them and which could make them feel uncomfortable.

As soon as you have talked to your children about sex, they should know about online sex. As a society we are very poor at having an open dialogue with our developing children about adult issues, particularly those relating to sex and pornography.

There is ample evidence that countries that have more open and honest dialogues with children and young people about difficult issues have fewer problems with sexual behaviour in their youth population.

The fundamental responsibility for this must lie with parents and educators. However many blocks and filters one imposes on children?s online behaviour, unless they have their own internal sense of understanding and responsibility, they and their digital-savvy friends will find ways to circumvent any blocks that are put in place.

The conversations around adult content extend beyond whether children should or shouldn?t see it. Crucially, they raise issues such as sex being a part of a relationship, and how pornography portrays sex.

Pornography can show sex in ways that may be demeaning to those involved, and unhealthy in terms of children thinking that such sexual behaviours are part and parcel of positive and healthy sexual development and positive and healthy sexual relationships.

There is no specific age at which you should have this conversation with your child, but as soon as your child is showing online digital independence and has no filters your child will see the content even when not choosing to seek it out. There are often social and emotional learning programmes at schools, or PSHE classes. These are important issues that must be debated, and the more they are sensibly discussed the less taboo they will seem, and frank discussion will become easier.

Adolescent boys will look at porn online' (she covers other areas too)

I always think that she has common sense and you will have to talk about it. You can block what you like at home but they will find a way around it if they want to.

Now that this has happened, I would approach it from the perspective that you understand his curiosity and that you sympathise with the pressure he might feel under, to use porn. You might find out, for example that all of his friends are doing it and that it's considered to be the norm in his peer-group. Try not to add to any feelings of shame, because he is a victim of the culture we live in, where porn use is regarded as normal and acceptable. It can be enormously difficult for a teenage boy to resist that pressure, especially when he has discovered masturbation and has a natural curiosity about sex.

One of the best ways of tackling this as parents is for his Dad to explain some realities about porn - how it is made, the abuses in the industry and also how it depicts sex in a totally false way. How viewing is likely to warp his enjoyment of sex when it happens for the first time and could give him completely unrealistic expectations about what sexual partners might be prepared to do and how they will be treated by him. Make very clear distinctions between porn, masturbation and sex. Teach him that masturbation and sex are positive experiences, but that porn is different.

Hearing this from his Dad is likely to have a much greater impact and will drive home the message that porn use is not synonymous with being a man.

As with everything in life, banning access doesn't solve the problem. Far better that he understands the issues and can reach his own conclusions that porn is for losers. You can and should however impose very firm boundaries in your home and make it abundantly clear that you are against porn and why.

I'd also suggest you find out as a parent what his school is teaching in PSHE/Citizenship about porn use, because you'll need their support too in delivering a consistent message. You can do this as part of a wider question about the Sex and Relationships input there, without identifying that you have this situation with your son.

Make sure you and your husband are united on this and that any conflicts you might have about this issue are ironed out, because it would be disastrous in this situation for your son to be receiving mixed messages from you both.

In a nutshell - explain, don't shame.

What WindsorTides says.

Explain don't shame.