Lying and Trust issues.

[MacBath]

Hi

I have just discovered that my 15 yr old DD lied to me tonight about sleeping over at a friend's house. Instead she had planned to 'camp out' in the local farmer's fields with a group of friends that she has recently started to hang out with.
She went out earlier at 8pm supposedly to meet the friend she was 'sleeping over' with and it was only when I phoned her & asked to speak to her friends parents that she had to admit that she wasn't where she should have been & had lied. I told her to come home immediately & have now grounded her.

Suddenly it all became my fault because we make her come in too early (9pm ish) and ALL her friends can stay out until 10 -10.30. I told her that under my roof, it's my rules not her friends or their parents (cliche I know). To be honest I don't know what to say to her at the moment....I don't like the friends she's hanging around with but I know that it's hard to stop her seeing them because they're all at the same school and live fairly close etc..

I am feeling totally let down & disappointed in my DD who I really thought I could trust & now don't feel I can trust her over anything! Since hanging around with these 'friends', her boyfriend has dumped her because according to him she has changed & I feel she is changing too.

Not sure what to do, feeling rather inadequate as a parent at the moment. My DH & DS are away this week-end & I had planned a nice shopping trip and lunch, don't know whether to still do this & use it as an opportunity to talk but part of me doesn't want to bother because it was supposed to be a treat & I feel DD doesn't deserve it!!

Sorry this is such a long post and to go on a bit - any advice much appreciated, thanks for reading.

I so 'get' this my ds2 is just 16 and all the weeks before it was hard listening to what everyone else does and what he would do when he was 16.

Realistically it would be nice if she was honest with you but are you up to the hard facts ??

Ideally id say sit down and reach that compromise - you say 9pm she wants until 10.30 so perhaps 9.30 would be a compromise with a bend if she complies?

camping out is a bit of a no-no in my eyes but can she have a sleepover? could she stay out later that night? till 11pm?

The thing is (what I didnt accept) was that soon at 16 shes pretty much 'adult' if you bend a bit now it might make things easier?.

failing that have .

I think you did exactly what I would have done when you found out - straight home and grounded. I have 16 yr old ds who moaned alot about what his friends can and can't do (I think his friends parents are far too easy going). We have stuck to our guns for the last couple of years and request he gets home by 11pm if he goes out - which is a compromise, as he would like to stay out later. We are not keen on his friends but it's very difficult to make them chose their friends for them! I think you should carry on as you are, be consistent, maybe compromise with the time for returning at night a little and carry on going out to lunch etc. You need to stay friends and "remain calm" when the little monkeys turn into lying, manipulating semi-adults - I'm still working on it! Don't feel inadequate at all. So many teenagers turn us into exhausted wrecks at times.....

It's very difficult because if you come down too hard all the time ,they will lie even more and stop telling you anything

compromise is the key

Hi

Thanks so much for your replies - I think you're all right - compromise is the way forward! I had already been thinking that and have had a chat with DH to extend her 'coming in' time, I have decided to still carry on with our planned shopping/lunch trip and have already had a calm, productive (I think) talk with DD today. She seemed upset that she'd upset me and unless I'm being completely naive I believe her, although I'm not so stupid to think that this is the end of it all as I imagine that future conflicts are bound to arise!
You're right BerniW - lately I do feel like an exhausted wreck - I also have an 18 yr old DS who luckily (so far) has been fine but I am a terrible worrier and I think I have to learn to let go a bit more !!

Thanks again everyone !!

MacBath - if it is possible saving the talk for the car may be very helpful. I have had many good chats with DD1 (now 16) in the car. It is a good taliking space as there is no eye contact and no one else can hear.

That's a great idea GnomeDePlume - thank you! Will do that this week-end on our way to the shops!