Some advice please?

[xjemx]

I have someissues bothering me at the moment, that i would really appreciate some advice on. I know it is a little unorthodox for a child themselves to be on here, but my mum told me i could because i have a lot of first hand knolwedge to contribute with So anyway, i understand if you'd prefer not to post but i shall explain anyway because its getting me down; my gran has quite a lot of money and she has always spoilt me. When i was younger i really thought we had the best relationship in the world- but as im getting older i have realised that our relationship depends on the money and the presents. She is unable to treat me as a 15 year old girl- she is extremely right winged, and i am extremely left winged. With my respect for others opinions i generally leave her too it. But when she shooed me out of new look the other day because there were asian people in there i told her she was offedning me- and for that i got shouted at as if i was still 6 and told i would get my new bag taken away from me... hmmmm. It has got progressively worse- i cant stand to spend time with her and she doesnt talk to me she just sends me money and then complains because i haven't rang her. It is impossible!! This christmas, despite my hours of making sure she was sure about it, she bought me an ipod nano. My mother took the money when it arrived to buy the gift, so i wasnt aware of it. The next day i got a phone call from her- she talked to my mum for a while then i asked to speak to her. As soon as i has said hello she had began snarling down the phone at me telling me how she didnt even want to speak to me again, how i had taken all her money and not even one word of thanks, i can forget it if im ever getting anything else of her again and she is giving all my stuff to my cousins. I threw the phone down very upset and my mother, in my defence, forced her to apologise but she refused saying she had done nothing wrong!!!!! I cant bring myself to forgive her so she is getting more and more mad- what should i do? sorry its so long and if you think it is boring

I think you should have nothing more to do with her, quite frankly!

Is she your mums mum??

Yes she is my mum's mum. My mum is only civil to her- my gran doesn't realise it (she doesn't realise much unless it is her own sorrows) but my mum really doesn't like her either. She and the rest of the older members of my family try to make out i am just money grabbing blah blah blah when i have never ince asked for anything ever! They just buy me things because they dont know how to have a relationship with me any other way

Could you write her a letter to tell her how she makes you feel, and leave the ball in her court.

I'm not defending your gran, but has she had a tough life, maybe she is bitter about something from her younger days and does'nt know how to form relationships.

Oh no, defend her as you see fit, i really want to understand why and im sure your right sonwfalls. Her husbands death really hurt her, and she cant accept it was a lot to do with the alcohol... But it doesnt excuse taking it out on me just because im the easiest option.

No, it does'nt exuse her at all, I think a letter might be a good idea, might make her see sense. Does she live alone? Is she lonely?

The more i write the more i realise how sorry her story sounds.. she doesnt live alone, she lives two doors down from her sister who is also her best friend and lives with her mum- she i s like a live in carer for her- but she put herself in the situation, and refuses to be taken out of it despite many offers of help- and then moans about it constantly!

Well to me it sound like she justs wants to be wanted but does'nt believe she is, though I agree she certainly is'nt helping herself. I'm not sure someone that horrible(cant think of the word I want) would bother or even think about spending money on others.
Has she ever been effectionate to you or your mum?

not to my mum- she was too me when i was younger until i stopped being angelic in school and she couldnt drag me round all her relatives boasting about me too them anymore. She was never good with my mum- she loves my little sister though, she cant talk back thats why! My mum makes every effort to make her feel wanted but when she came round lasted she just went on about black people and the "japs" even though we said it offends us. She does make it difficult your right, but i think a letter would be a good option.

Good luck, hope a letter has some effect.

Off to bed now.

Merry Christmas

Keep bumping this thread, someone may come along with more advice.

cheers snowfalls, i probably better be off now too, thanks for listening xx

I think it cuts both ways TBH.

I would write to her or phone her and say that you feel the money issue is getting in the way of a proper relationship. Tell her that you are not the slightest bit interested in the money and therefore she should stop spending money on you or giving it to you.

Reassure her that you want to have a relationship with her because she is your grandmother, not because she has money.

I would not take the ipod - get your mum to take it back to the shop and return the money to her!

I'm not sure if it is relevant, but the early stages of dementia can lead to this type of emotional instability - are there any other signs that she is becoming 'flakier'??

To be honest we have thought that- she is paranoid that people are talking about her behind her back. I try to reassure her but she loves to wallow in her own pity, you know th type! We all try so hard with her!

Hmmm - I think that dementia may well be a possibility. Is there any way anyone could get her to her GP to discuss it?

Paranoia is another symptom

It is hard getting old I imagine - nothing being like it used to be! Attitudes changing and your thinking no longer being at the centre of things!

The racist comments must be very hard to tolerate - I know I would struggle with that!

She is so stubborn, which is good in a way becase she doesn't ever get any bother like a lot of people her own age- but at the same time it makes it impossible to get her to do anything- she thinks the doctors are evil... she wont take any tablets for anything and she will never use sun cream because she thinks they are lying?!?! yeah your right though, im scared of getting old!

She is so stubborn, which is good in a way becase she doesn't ever get any bother like a lot of people her own age- but at the same time it makes it impossible to get her to do anything- she thinks the doctors are evil... she wont take any tablets for anything and she will never use sun cream because she thinks they are lying?!?! yeah your right though, im scared of getting old!

sorry didnt mean to post twice!

My mother has demenitia and paranoia and emotianal outbursts were the first symptoms that were obvious to us that something was going wrong.

Has your gran had a fall recently? Whith my mum the dementia was caused by small stokes. Looking back, she would fall (obvious in hindsight caused by the stroke) and her behaviour would get odder. THis is not to excuse how your gran behaved, but it was the reason my mother's behaviour became so odd

Should she be taking tablets for High Blood pressure? You mentioned that she will not take tablets...this, again, happened to my mother.

One thing is for sure, you will not be able to change her behaviour at her time of life, so please don't beat yourself up about it. You may well find that detatchment is the best way to cope. Not easy I know. Put it behind you and have a great christmas.

She didn't fall as such, but i know that she slipped and twisted her ankle the other day- i am trying to do that, your right, but i am one of those people that find it impossible to let go... i want to become more detached from her because i am so scared of her dying

Detatchment isn't easy at any age and even harder when you are young and want to change the world Or at least I wanted to change the world!

You know, and you are right btw, that racism is awful and you want her to change. In the end you will probably have to accept that at her time of life that is unlikely to happen.

Always remember , never try to teach a pig to sing, it annoys the pig and frustrates you!

Relax, chill out, put on some loud music and plan your revolution. And have a great day tomorrow.

Thankyou have a great day too :O