When did you first have sex?

[gotkids]

My twin boy and girl, aged nearly 13, have got sex on their minds (my son, very obviously and openly; my daughter, very obviously interested, but can't say so). I'm a father, so it's easy to talk to my son. I have my own views but want a woman's perspective to inform the discussion I'm kinda having with my daughter (i.e. I say "kinda" because I say stuff and hope she's listening while she just looks at me!).

The question I want to ask of women is this. When did you first have sex? Was it really a worthwhile experience? In hindsight, do you think you were really mature enough to make the right decision for yourself? Do you regret your early sexual experiences? Do you think it would have been better if you'd waited until you were older? Did it get in the way of doing other stuff, which probably would have been better and less troublesome? What advice would you give to yourself if you were 13?

Honest answers please!

I think I meant: "What advice would you give to your 13 year-old self?"

I was 15 and wondered what all the fuss was about! the earth certainly didn't move that's for sure.
I would advise my 13 year old self to wait until i was older and more mature but at that age you really do think you are ready.
Also if a girl has started her periods then nature has somewhat decided that physically she is ready to have babies (although I am not saying that is ideal by any means).
It's very difficult..13 is way too young for sex IMO. Just talk openly about it and hope they take it in.

I was 17 ad been with boy for six months, at 13 I wasn't really thinking about sex, so I'm not much help.
Will say I wish it had been my now husband, but other than that, no real problem with it.

Advice for a 13 year old, would be: those that spend time talking about it are rarely doing it, yes it hurts, no it doesn't mean be loves you, if you have done it, there's no going back to just holding hands, and you can only give it to one person once so choose wisely

I was 17 and with a long term boyfriend. I don't regret it, however I felt that once I had slept with him I couldn't "take it away again" (if that makes sense), so I then found myself feeling pressured to sleep with him more often - not pressured by him in any other way, he was entirely lovely about it, but I felt it was unfair.

At the time I thought I was ready, and I wanted to, but I don't think I fully understood how to handle the changes it brought about in our relationship, iyswim. My advice (apart from the general use a condom/wait until it's legal stuff) would be to wait until you think the right person comes along, then wait another six months. If your feelings haven't changed, then start talking about it.

My two best friends had to come with me to buy condoms - that should have been the alarm bells that I wasn't really ready emotionally.

I would tell them both that they are too young to be considering sexual intercourse and that the age of consent is there for a reason. I am not a prude and was 16 - it could easily have happened before then but now looking back with hindsight I am glad it did not. I dated the same boy from 14 to 19.

To answer your questions. Aged 16 - first few times definitely not worth it from my point of view - more fun to be had from heavy petting than actual intercourse - so backwards step as far as I was concerned! I don't regret it but yes wish that maybe we had waited. It felt more like getting it out of the way than the start of a new stage of our relationship.

Hope that helps!

Well - knowing my Dad would have killed me if I'd got pregnant kept me on the straight and narrow for a looong time

Well said Lisa Advice for a 13 year old, would be: those that spend time talking about it are rarely doing it, yes it hurts, no it doesn't mean be loves you, if you have done it, there's no going back to just holding hands, and you can only give it to one person once so choose wisely

My 13year old is so not a teenager that I can't imagine her having sex for several years. She still fights with the boys like she did at primary. She is both very young for her age and extremely grown up and sensible. She has a few very special friends and the general teenage peer preside thing just doesn't interest her.
Personally I first slept with a man when I was 20, he had been my BF for 2 days and I'd known him for about 5. I certainly didn't regret it we've been married 21 years.
Not intentional, I came from a small village and I was the bright eccentric one that the boys didn't really understand. I'd have loved to have slept with the only one who did, but condom machines were 3 years away.

Thank you all for various comments and accounts - much appreciated!

In answer to the question about what I say to my son:-

He very much wants to be a stud. He likes girls and thinks that's what they'll expect of him. In many ways he's very mature for his years - he's aware of his and other people's emotions and is not afraid to be open and honest about himself. He's also in a tearing hurry. He's experiencing increasing sexual feelings and is not sure how to express them. I've been trying to explain that sex is not a performance sport and to persuade him that it's best for him to impose strict boundaries on himself for some time to come. He finds girls of his own age foolish, superficial or uninteresting so he pursues friendships with older children. I've told him that the best strategy at the moment is to confine himself to male friendships, stop looking at older girls as potential sexual conquests and wait!

17, in a long term relationship, didn't regret it for a second it was the right person at the right time and a nice experience to look back on (even if he did turn out to be a knobber later)

As for advice I would say what LISA123 said. And that you will remember it forever, dont make it a bad memory. That goes for your son too, 'I just wanted to get it out of the way' is not something you will remember fondly. Also respect yourself and the person you are with, remember its not just your feelings involved her.

Think thats it......

....oops no forgot to add. The age of consent is 16, if you or your partner are not over the age of consent legally it is rape!

I was 15 but was very interested at a younger age as my mum was a midwife.
Advice to my 13 year old self- Don't even think about it, it's painful and you need to be able to respect yourself and have the confidence to say no before you do.

I was 16 and he was older, much older. Looking back he was probably a paedo but we met when I was 15 and he waited until my birthday. Can't say it was a terrible experience but think I was too young.

DS is nearly 14 and has a girlfriend of 3 months, they haven't even kissed yet, he's waiting to get to know her first - bless.

I was 19 and had been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I would say to my DD that first time sex with someone you love and who cares for you is a great experience and not worth wasting when you are not sure of your feelings. Then I would stress that the age of consent is 16.

I think it's great that they can both talk to you about it. Just to let you know, yes, it is illegal under the age of 16, but if they are over the age of 13, and noone is persuading them to do anything against their will, and if they understand it fully, and if someone tries to persuade them to tell their parents (they don't have to), and if they are going to do it anyway, then they can get free advice, contraception, emergency contraception etc, probably in school, definitely without the parent's knowledge or consent! They could even have a termination without the parent's knowledge!! The police would do nothing! How scary is all that?!

Btw, I was 21 and have no regrets about waiting that long!

Thanks to everyone who shared their experiences. I'm really interested in the notion of 'informed consent' - I think that's kind of the crux. In an ideal world our kids would only start to be sexually active when they are sufficiently 'adult' to be certain they're not making a mistake.

If a 12 year-old girl consents to having sex with a 20 year-old boy it's classed as rape because the 12 year-old girl is not considered capable of giving consent no matter what she says or how she feels about it. We would protect such a child from her own decision, tell her she is unqualified and is not allowed to decide because she cannot understand her situation or the consequences of her decision. That's an extreme case! At what point does someone understand their situation and the consequences of their actions? Maybe we should be telling out kids, "unless you feel you are certain about such matters, you should wait".

I was 18, lost it with a good friend. It was alright, more of a relief
Advice for my 13 year old self "virginity only matters when you are one"
I got myself worked up for years, even though most of my friends were probably the same.

I was 19. I thought I was too old to be a virgin and didn't like the experience at all. When I was 25, I met my now DH and suddenly understood the fuss.

I'm not sure what I'd say to my 13 year old self. I do think that it is important that you tell your son that sex should not be a conquest and that, when he is ready, it is much more fun if it is a mutual agreement.

I was 14
(and to me then - don't do it, wait, it wont be the end of the world, but well if you are do it with one that matters - at least at the time) But it was with my boyfriend since we where 12.
We eventually broke up at 16 - when I got pregnant (he obviously wasn't so good)
It's great you can talk to her about it

I was 17, almost 18 and it was with my DH who I am still with 21 years later. We had only be going out 3 weeks but it felt so right, I was totally in love and knew from the minute we were together it would be him. It was the first time I had ever felt like that, having had previous boyfreinds for 3 months+ who finished with me because I wouldn't 'do it'. I always said I would have to be with a boy at least 6 months before I even started thinking about it - then whammmm this feeling hit me, so it goes to show you never can tell!! The ONLY thing I regret about it was not waiting until we were somewhere special to enjoy it more rather than having to rush!!

As other people have said, you can only lose it once, when it had gone it has gone forever and no-one should ever ever pressurise you into giving up something so precious.

I was 20, had been with boyfriend (now my DH!) for 6 months. It just felt the right time even though I'd always believed I'd wait til after I was married and was wanting to TTC (bizarre religious school upbringing clearly had had some odd effects on me)