Lack of empathy in 12 year old to both friends and family

[Nellie52]

My 12 y.o. daughter is losing friends due to her outspoken opinions. She is about to lose friendships with 2 girls whom she has been great pals with. One feels neglected by DD, the other overheard DD telling mutual school friends personal things and feels betrayed. I also find DD shows lack of any sympathy and kindness to me, TBH this is how she's always been, and others. If she doesn't understand somebody's feelings than she can be very disparaging,almost as if they are at fault for showing their emotions. I have tried to be open about my feelings,showing how I feel,perhaps being too honest sometimes? This seem magnified due to her age now, but I want to start improving her attitude before things get worse as I'm sure there will be something else to worry about soon!

Girls are the worst at falling in and out of friendships. 12 is when I first saw it, 13 was the worst I saw it and it's still going on at 14. My DD has had all her secrets spread about the school when she fell out with someone but BFF a week later with the same girl. Can,t keep up. You mention empathy which caught my interest in your post. My DD has no empathy so I know what you mean. The big thing is is that if she has no empathy she won't be seeing things from your point of view and doesn't see how you feel, only her own and your feelings don't count. And yes it's always your fault. Read, read and read on the subject because the teens are nearly on you and yes your right there is always something else coming soon. Good luck.

Thanks 500000feet,this was my first thread and it's good to get your response.

Hi :-) I have had teen and toddler now 15 &3, it is amazing how similar their behaviour can be! I mentioned this to a pal, who is a nursery teacher, and also has a teen and toddler... She said she had done some reading etc, and one theory is that the lack of empathy, temper tantrums, etc. Seen at both ages, Is to do with physical changes occurring in the brain at these developmental stages as well as both being a period in which they increase their separation from parents and the uncertainty and anxiety that goes with it.
In all honesty, it doesn't help in a practical sence of how to deal with them when they are being awful, but it helps with the patience on my behalf, if indeed it is true, then they are not doing it on purpose!
I am working on the theory that if I listen, and give my expectations (difficult to do without desending into a lecture which invariably ends with that 'you know nothing' look on the face and a flouncing upstairs) that eventually the message will get through!
Also, as an ex-high school teacher, most teenage girls are caught in this kind of scenario at some point (boys seem to just hit each other, then get on with it, but girls can be oh so much bitchier, and never really forget!), it is awful while they are going through it, but it does end.
Take a deep breath, batten down the hatches, stock up on chocolate and wine..... Apparently they become human again after a while :-)