DN swaggering round the house like he owns it - so fed up

[Mamateur]

DN is rude and arrogant round the house. When not in a good mood, i.e. in the mornings, he gives smart answers or makes a stupid face to everything I say, answers back rudely, uses swear words (i.e. ffs - not at me) or just says something like what does it matter, you just think everyone should be like you, you only like posh people, etc. etc.

I'm pretty good at not rising to the bait (it's a lot easier when you didn't bring them up somehow) but this morning I have had enough. He was rude over breakfast, up late, looked a complete mess, refused to change into clean trousers, I asked him why he didn't set his alarm, which apparently is a stupid thing to say because why would an alarm clock wake him up etc. Told me he wasn't leaving late even though it was already so late he will be checked in late and just a million other small examples of rudeness that individually I would overlook but altogether make me think he thinks i'm a joke. I know for a fact he spoke to granny (who brought him up until a year ago) like this and continues to do so. SHe always just does what he says.

I have cut him a lot of slack over the past year - my aim (not always achieved of course) has been to pick my battles, look at what he does rather than how he does it, praise the good and be clear about sanctions for the bad and he has made a really big improvement - but I'm not spending the next 6 years being treated like a servant by him so I need to assert myself.

Any ideas on how to proceed?

You need a combination of:

a) asserting yourself and not taking rudeness lying down- he needs to know that your needs also have to be met

b) not blaming his past (=gran) for every piece of undesirable teen behaviour; yes, it is an added complication that he can threaten to run to her for support; but the rest is quite likely to have happened anyway

I think the best you can do is keep on going, pull him up on it when he is being rude, but as calmly and firmly as you can, you won't sort him out in one telling off, but eventually he will get the message that you are not prepared to be a door mat either.

You are doing well here, you need to tell yourself that.

Thanks Cory. I had a talk with him two days ago because he was rude to a teacher. I asked him how he'd feel if someone spoke to granny or his sister or someone in that way while they were at work, he seemed really repentant but I know see that was just to shut me up! I have told him that we need to share a home and all need to respect each other and that I don't allow anyone to talk to me that way - not just him. I know I'm always blaming granny and he would have been a teenager without her, I just think, is it normal to speak to your parents like that? Not in the middle of a row, but just in the normal course of things?

I was thinking of taking his computer away for a couple of hours this evening and saying that as he didn't understand our talk a couple of days ago, then perhaps this would make it clearer that we don't talk to people like that in this house, without going into details, and leaving him to think it through. I have to say though, computer time is pretty much our entire arsenal and a bit overused.

Overall he is much better, the school have played a big part too, they don't tolerate his rudeness.