My eleven year old started her period and didn't tell me

[MaryRose]

Hoping someone can help! My DD and her dad are divorced, and he texted me this morning to say he was washing her clothes and noticed she had started her period. There hasn't been any staining on her clothes here and she didn't say anything to me so I'm thinking it was maybe just a bit of spotting and she's just about to start properly. She turned eleven last week which was the last time she would have been at her dads and this would have happened then. I'm really surprised she didn't tell me as we have a good relationship and talk pretty openly so she would know what was going on and it wouldn't be a shock, she would have been shy to talk to her dad but thought she would have come to me after she came home after the weekend. To be honest even though she has started getting boobs etc I thought we maybe had another year or so before she started so I'm not really prepared. My problem is now, how do I handle it when she comes home from school tonight? I don't want to say her dad had noticed this as she would be embarrassed so I was thinking of just casually saying that maybe she might start her periods soon, had she noticed any spotting etc and get her some pads to put in the cupboard so when it happens again she has control? I don't want to embarrass her but I do want her to know she can talk to me, it's normal etc. How have other people handled this? Are there any good websites etc she could look at if there are questions she doesn't really want to ask me? She's still at primary school and I don't know if any of her friends have started yet.

MaryRose, my DD is about to turn 11 and her body shape is changing so I will be keeping an eye on this thread! I can't help share my experience but my advice would be to talk about periods, getting some sanitary towels in "just in case" and see where it goes. A bit clumsy I know but it's a start. Good luck!

Scary isn't it?!!! I was 13 when I started so I assumed she would be a bit later, now I'm cross with myself for not being more prepared, she went on a school trip for a few days and I almost packed some pads for her but then thought 'nah, we've got a while yet!', I should've been more on the ball!

When she gets in from school, ask her "have you got anything to tell me?"

If she doesn't bite, tell her about the text from her Dad. There is no need for her to be embarrassed about starting her periods at her Dad's house and if as you say you "talk pretty openly" then it will be quite normal for you to bring this up with her. Buy her some bodyform today and reassure her she can have calpol or paracetamol if she gets cramps and away you go.

I think you should tell her Dad knows about periods and stuff its not a secret all girls have them,and if shes spending time at her Dads and her period does come at least she knows its normal/natural.

Shes not embarassed shed have hidden her underwear or brought it home if she was -so approach it honestly 'did you start your period at Dads?' if she did then say Dad knows about periods etc so she can tell him about stuff if not then its spotting which means her periods may start soon so you can do the 'just in case' bit.

You know your daughter best as to how she will feel about her Dad knowing she has started her periods. Personally I would have been mortified about talking about it with my Dad as my parents were very prudish about such things, however I don't want my own DD to feel so embarassed about it so we are very open about such stuff at home.

I would mention it to her and be guided by her.

Yeh, that's true nickschick, I guess she wouldn't have put her underwear in the wash if she was embarrassed! We have been very busy and she's been away twice this week with various things so maybe she just hasn't had the opportunity to talk to me. The other thing is she's a competitive swimmer and hates to miss training so she maybe didn't say anything for that reason. I haven't had a chance to talk to her dad yet but I'm guessing seeing as there was nothing noticeable at home it was just light and din't last long. I think I will go and get her some 'pretty' sanitary towels and out them in a basket in the cupboard for her, try and make it a positive thing!

PattySimcox, yes I'm worried about her being a bit embarrassed with her dad, I can remember not wanting mine to know and my stepdaughter started last year and didn't want to talk to her dad about it, so I handled it and it was fine. My DD's partner lives with them so she may be ok talking to her, will maybe have a chat and make sure she knows she can go to her if she's at her dad's.

Just talk to her about, no need to be embarrassed, if you aren't she probably won't be.
My DD started on a school trip to Europe, said the teachers were great. When I thanked them they just and said it often happens.
Anyway if she swims seriously you will have to be able to talk. Young girls can perfectly happily use tampons (DD has since her third period at 12) but you may have to do a bit of quite blunt explaining.
Far better an Mum than trying to make excuses to a male swimming coach.

I was embarrassed 40 mumble yrs ago that my dad knew. My girls don't care who knows, they are very much of the "that's life" philosophy. so I wouldn't assume at all that she minds dad knowing.

I would led her into it with a general period chat and not mention her dad at first. Or buy some pads and say that you thought she may need these soon and it is a good idea to have them ready. If she says she started at her dads and was embarrassed you can behave the chat about how he had suspected/told you and he understands. Then come up with a strategy between you as to how she wants to handle it all.

I am not looking forward to this but DD is only 5 so I have a while!

SoupDragon, those were just the lines I was thinking along, me saying that I thought she might start soon and giving her some towels, then I think she will properly tell me what happened. Bless. She's so grown up but to me she's still my baby so it's tough. I have an 8 yr oldd DD as well so at least when we get this with her I will have been there once already! startail, I don't know about tampons, she's only just 11, I've always used them from being very young and I din't think I would feel weird about her using them at a young age but I do a bit ;( I guess it will be her choice and if she wants to keep up her swimming she may well choose to use them from early on

I don't understand why you are tiptoeing around the subject?

Surely you have had the talk with her and she has had lessons at school?

The more matter of fact you are the less of a big issue it will be.

Or am I missing something?

I would have suggested exactly as Soup says.

When you tell her about the towels you could ask about how she would feel about using tampons for when she's swimming.

I started my period when I was 11 and didn't tell mum straight away, - I didn't have to wait too long though as I had a older sister who had just started too so Mum gave me a supply 'just in case' .

I don't mean to tiptoe around it, I just wondered if the best way to approach it is to say that her dad had texted me and noticed this or have a more general discussion, I only found out about this this morning and will be talking to her as soon as she comes home from school. I just don't want her to be mortified at the idea that her dad had to throw her underwear out!

They have done a bit on it at school. We have talked quite lengthily about it and she has the facts so it wouldn't be a situation where she didn't know what was going on.

She may not have realised she's started. This happened to me - after the sex education at school, when we had to colour in diagrams of menstrual flow, I was expecting something to appear in great red lumps like fillet steak (sorry if TMI!), and when I actually had my first period and it was just a little bit of spotting, I just didn't realise what it was because it was so unlike what I'd been expecting. My mum found my stained underwear in the laundry basket and told me what was happening - I'd just thought it was a bit of diarrhoea or something. It was no big deal for me when she did tell me, although I do remember being surprised.
Both my daughters were unfazed when they started - and more on the ball than I was - hopefully it won't be a big deal for her.

In terms of raising it with her I would just be very matter of fact and say that her Dad rang and said he noticed she'd started her periods, then ask her how she's doing, what does she need, here's where the paracetamol are. If you make bringing it up into a complicated big issue then you've got a whole load of half truths to untangle, and you've made it into a huge issue.

She will be a bit embarrassed that her Dad found out, because it's embarrassing that Dads find out, but once she realises that you're all being laid back and matter of fact she'll be able to relax. I didn't tell my mum because I couldn't quite work out how I could blurt out "Mum I've started my periods" but once she knew it was fine.

I agree with taking a matter of fact approach. The starting point into the conversation could be about the text from Dad, but if you feel she would be embarrassed, then just say you have bought towels etc for when she needs them.

My daughter's started at 10 with spotting, but it wasn't actually for a few months before her periods started properly. Have a chat with her so she knows what to expect, as it can take a while before her periods settle into a regular pattern. ( or not in some cases)

I bought a variety of sanitary products so she could find out what she felt more comfortable with. I also got various types of tampons, discussed how they work ( yes doing the glass of water test!) so that it hopefully wasn't daunting.
I tried to be as positive as possible.
My husband is American and when my niece started her periods, they had a party to celebrate and phoned all the family to tell everyone. Strangely none of my daughters wanted me to be that positive.

Good advice below and if she is a swimmer you definitely need to get some mini tampons and explain them to her. My DD and I went through half a box teaching her how to open them, and the basic mechanics of using them before I left her to have a go herself at inserting them and she got it sorted pretty quickly.

Good advice there - definitely let her have tampons, lots of girls 10-11 use them these days and find things a lot easier and with no embarassments at school, etc. -of course she can have a choice!
The Compak lites seem to be best for starters, just make sure she knows about changing on time and simple hygiene -- keeping them clean, etc.