16 year old Son Wants Me to Buy Him Alcohol

[CopingWellConsidering]

My 16 year old son has asked me to buy him a small bottle of vodka and some beer to take with him when he goes camping for a night at the beach with his friends!

I said 'no' to the vodka and said 'maybe' to the beer. He asked me to buy him 12 cans of beer! I feel it would be irresponsible of me to buy him 12 cans of beer. But I'm wondering whether to say no, or whether to buy him just a couple of cans for his own use.

Bearing in mind that at that age they seem to be able to get hold of it anyway, would it hurt to buy him a couple of cans of beer? He will be 17 in Janurary. What do other people think?

He is peculiar sometimes lol. Well he didn't write the answers down in the end, but he answered most of them when we had our talk. He told us where the beach was and the names of 4 school friends who are going - we said he had to tell us or he couldn't go!

It turns out it's a kind of regular beach party of people from his school. Some stay the night but most go home at the end of the evening. So we said we'd be more comfortable if he just stayed for the evening the first few times and then we'd see.

So we've agree that he can take 4 cans of Fosters (hope that's not too strong) and DH will drop him near the beach around 7 and collect him at 11.30 or midnight. We said we're trusting him to show us he can be sensible and then we can gradually give him more freedom if he shows us he can be trusted to be sensible.

I thought it went surprisingly well. No tantrums or door slamming. He was calm the whole time, although not exactly talkative, and did answer most of our questions. He admitted he'd been drunk before (I don't know when because he hardly ever goes out normally!) and we said we'd rather he didn't get drunk but we know we can't prevent what he does when we're not around.

I hope we're doing the right thing, but we've compromised by letting him go to the beach party and letting him take 4 cans of beer. He has compromised by agreeing not to stay overnight and by telling us the names of 4 friends, exactly where he's going, etc.

Thanks for all your responses. They've really helped me and I feel much less anxious about the whole thing now :)

I would say no. Giving him a glass of beer in the home is one thing: supplying his friends, whose parents' views you have not canvassed- with drink to be consumed when unsupervised is totally different.

And as readsalot says, buying alcohol for the use of minors is illegal (though offering a drink in the home or for a 16yo with a meal in a restaurant is not).

My response would be: no thank you, I have no intention of breaking the law and maybe getting a black mark on my record just so you can impress your mates

readsalotgirl I did tell him that I would be breaking the law and could be prosecuted if I bought alcohol for his friends. He said he wanted all the alcohol for himself! Not sure whether to believe this, but hoping that 4 beers over about 4 1/2 hours won't get him too drunk.

I wouldn't want to give his friends alcohol without their parents consent, but with only 4 beers in his possession I doubt if his friends will get a look in!

I think since you've managed to have a calm discussion about it, and both sides agreed to compromise where necessary, it counts as a win! I reckon by this age it's best to discuss what the boundaries are, and why, and be prepared to negotiate. That doesn't mean simply giving in on things you consider important, but it equally means you don't just lay down the law and demand they do things your way either. That way you hopefully steer them in the right direction but they won't feel they have to rebel against you.

Just a warning - the alcohol content of Fosters is 5%, which makes it pretty strong, so 4 cans is likely to have a real effect.

Have a look at relative strengths here

Back in the 70s/80s, lager used to be much weaker, usually around 3-4% but gradually over the years they have got stronger. It may only be one or two percentage points, but it makes a real difference.

If I were you, I'd try buying something with a lower alcohol content. That may mean avoiding a 'socially acceptable' brand, but would be much better for him at this age, without much drinking 'experience' under his belt.

And if he complains about the brand - well, tough!

CWC - I think you've negotiated a really good compromise there.
Let us know how it goes?

CWC I too think you've done very well. I have a DS who's 17. We've had the talk about beer/vodka. I've told him I'm not happy about him drinking vodka, blah, blah, dangerous, alcohol poisoning, blah, blah and I'm pleased to say that he now isn't so bothered about always drinking when he goes out as we did let him, like the OP, take some drink sometimes.

Cory, it's all very well to say "no" to things, but if you as the parent don't give a bit, then the Dc will become very secretive and not tell you anything. As a parent you don't want that, you want them to tell you when they drink, who with, where, etc. As another poster said, they're nearly adults now, getting towards the time when they'll be going to uni/college and have to make their own decisions.

We have a lot of drink in the house and have left DS at home on his own for a couple of weekends now and I'm pleased to say that he hasn't taken all the drink; he has taken what he thought we would allow him and has been completely reasonable. He is still talking to us and telling us where he goes, etc so we're pleased.

Thanks guys. I appreciate your comments. I thought we'd arranged a good compromise.

As you say ILJJ we don't want him to become secretive. He could easily have told us he was going to a friends house for a sleepover and then headed over to the beach for the night. As he is nearly 17 and quite big for his age, there's a good chance he could buy some alcohol himself.

At least this way we know where he is, who he's with and we have a good idea of what he's going to be doing. DH and I feel that it's safer for us to know what he's up to than have him sneaking around behind our backs!

In a year and a 1/4 he will be 18 and can do whatever he likes. If we keep him on too tight a rein now he might go wild then and get into serious trouble. He is being much more friendly to us after our talk, after almost a year of him talking in monosyllables.

Not only does that sound like a good compromise, it also sounds to me as though he is perhaps secretly relieved that you are being "so strict and boring" about the whole thing. Now he can whinge to his mates about you - the perfect excuse NOT to get absolutely wrecked and camp on a beach which although 'cool' could also be a bit scary!

Good point Grumpla! I was a bit surprised at how amenable he was to not staying overnight (it would be freezing!)

I know what you mean, Ilove, and naturally you need to give older teens some leeway. At the same time I would be worried about the message "letting you keep up with your mates is more important than keeping me out of trouble with the law". Precisely because they are nearly adults they need to realise that other people matter as much as they do.

I would feel uncomfortable about breaking the law, so I would expect dcs to respect that my feelings on the subject matter as much as theirs do. If they choose to acquire alcohol illegally it is their responsibility and I would expect them, as near adults, to take responsibility for their own actions, not to hide behind Mummy.

But if you don't feel that way, then it seems a fair compromise. And no doubt he will be fine.

I agree with secretsquirrels and grumpla - you've negotiated a reasonable compromise and managed to express your concerns. He is to be congratulated on the mature way he has responded so far. I do agree that it's far better to know what he's doing etc than have him tell lies and sneak around behind your back. My dd is (fortunately) not old enough to want to do this (yet!) but we have always emphasised that it's best to be truthful - I think I take this line because, as a teenager myself - long long ago-, my mum took the view that she would allow us to go places and do things as long as we told the truth about where we were, who we were with and came home at the time agreed. She emphasised that this was for our safety ie she would know where to start looking if we fell over and broke a leg and couldn't get home. This was in the days before mobile phones and oddlyI never asked her what she thought Imight be doing that might cause a broken leg !!!

Sorry for typos snd bad spacing

Thanks readsalot. It does feel safer that we know what he's up to!

Anyway to update you all, DH dropped him near beach at 6.45pm with agreement to collect at 11.30pm. At 11.30pm when he arrived, DS was sitting on wall waiting for him! Didn't appear to be noticeably drunk either. Wouldn't talk to DH in car on way home, gggrrrrrr!

But I wondered if he was drunk & didn't want to say too much in case he gave it away, or felt embarrassed as felt DH might disapprove of happenings of evening, or was just really tired & didn't want to talk.

Anyway he's back safely and nothing awful happened so DH and I can relax (for now). He may want to do it again but we've decided to say no to staying overnight, at least until the summer, by which time he will be 17 1/2 and hopefully older & wiser. :)

A 4 or 6 pack at most, 12 beers or vodka seems OTT and could do damage.