Stroppy teenage DS - react or ignore?

[hadagutsfull]

DS is 14 - just. I dropped him and a friend off at a third boy's house at about 6pm last night for a sleepover. This was against DHs wishes initially but I managed to talk him into it (won't go into the detail, it'll take too long). Prior to dropping them off I had words with DS about his attitude and the way he speaks to me. I said that if there was one more thing he would not be going to the sleepover, which meant friend 2 wouldn't be allowed to either.

Rang DS during the evening to make sure everything was OK, and again about 11 this morning as I wanted to go out & he doesn't have a key. All was fine.

I then got a call asking me to pick him up on my way home as he was tired - fair enough. Went to pick him & boy 2 up and when they got in the car DS had changed his mind and wanted to go to boy 2 house. I let him do that but again had words with him - in the car - about his attitude. I've told him he has to be home around 6 (24 hours after he went out) in order to have some food, a shower, and revise for a test tomorrow. The response I got was "I'm not coming in that early - I'll speak to Dad" (who is at work).

I had a row with DH last night and what with him & DS and his attitude they're driving me round the bend! Whilst shopping I bought DS some deoderant (goes through it like nobody's business) and a few goodies for his lunchboxes next week. I feel like keeping it all from him now but am I then behaving like a stroppy teenager?

This all sounds really petty written down but I'm so tired of the continual arguing and conflict. Thanks if you've read to the end and any suggestions for dealing with the attitude will be gratefully received!

Anyone out there? Please????

OK, I give up Am off to do some boring but necessary chores and hope to have some responses later ...

I can only empathise with you. My eldest is 14 too and quite frankly he causes me more problems than the other three pit together.

What did your dh say wrt the time for ds to come home today? If dh backed you up and said 6 then that's good as showing a united front but I'd dh said a layer time them you and dh need words as to not going against what the other has said.

Punishment I'm not sure what to say to help. Nothing I have punished ds with seems to work, groundings, phone taken away, xbox etc he still repeats the general lack of respect for the rest of the family.

I hope you have better luck than i have!

OK. I have been through the stroppy teenage boy thing and emerged safely on the other side. Believe me, I know how hard it is.

First, I would say, agree all ground rules in principle and in writing. (You may think this is OTT, but it works). Sit down with DS and DH and thrash out your boundaries re sleepovers, parties, homework, bedtimes etc.

Never berate your ds infront of his peers. His embarrassment will cause him to do and say things you will both regret.

Be consistant.

If he wants to bend the rules on a case by case basis, he has to discuss this with you in a reasonable manner.

Playing off one parent against the other is not allowed; you and DH must support each other and be alert for all attempts at this.

The most effective way to deal with problems is to consider which privileges to withdraw - for example, phone credit, lifts to town etc.

HTH

They do emerge from this phase eventually. However, if he is only 14, you have to get control of it now, because they peak (in terms of stroppiness) at about 17.

be firm and consistent. Tell him he WILL be home by 6pm or he will be grounded for between 36 hours and a 1 week, depending on how bad the offence. Ensure he knows that this means no TV, no computer, no phone, no visits to friends, no Xbox, wii, playstation etc.

And then tell DH that he HAS to back you up on this.

If your DH is not on side, you may as well do nothing, because your DS will play one against the other.

I just typed a long reply, hit a key by mistake and lost the lot! Argghhh! Will try again but keep it shorter this time.

Thank you for your replies - it's good to know I'm not alone in this. DS returned of his own accord about 5 pm - he'd fallen asleep at his friends then decided to come home when he woke up. I've reminded him he has a test tomorrow and he's taken his book upstairs. I'll check in a while to see what he's doing!

You've given me a lot of good advice, especially about not letting him play one off against the other which he does. It doesn't help that a lot of the time I think DH is being unreasonable - for example he doesn't want DS sleeping out and he doesn't want any sleepovers here. I would rather know DS is off the street and want his friends to feel welcome here, so that we know who his friends are.

I also agree with what 3littlefrogs said about not berating him in of his friends but it's so hard to hold your tongue sometimes!

We do really need to stand together and agree boundaries/consequences - and carry them out. It starts off well but then lapses. People do tell me that DS is a nice boy, polite and quiet(?) so I take some comfort from the fact that he's not like it around others.

As Johnnie says, punishments don't seem to work long term. I guess you just have to keep repeating it. And 3littlefrogs I really hope this doesn't go on until he's 17!

Thanks once again. Kids eh? Who'd be without 'em??

Sorry, that was supposed to be a shorter version. Can't you tell I've been on my own virtually all weekend and bottled everything up!!