So upset re 17yr old son [sad]

[williquit]

I am a namechanger, fairly long-standing poster, don't want situation recognised in outside world as yet.

DS1 - 17, 18 in 5 weeks, is about to voluntarily withdraw from the RAF - he has been in basic training for 4.5 weeks, and this week has basically emotionally broken down and decided he can't handle the self-sufficiency or pressure. His training according to his Flight Staff is going extremely well, and he is reaching a high standard - no concerns at all apart from a couple of ligament strains which are extremely fix-able.

We had no inkling anything was wrong until Thursday when he rang me in floods of tears and sent an extremely emotional text saying he can't do it any more etc. He has been home for the weekend, partly on compassionate grounds as he has been put back a couple of weeks for failing a test as he was resting in the medical centre at the time (crying, vomiting, etc) Over the weekend, he is citing some briefings he has had as the main reason, apparently they have drummed into them from day one that regardless of the trade they have chosen (in his case aircraft maintenance) they have a high chance of being put on the front line to fight or be expected to travel 'in theatre' and be at risk of being blown up by an IED. He WAS aware he is a soldier first - no-one could have done more preparation or research since the age of about 13 than him into all it entails, this was all he wanted and there was no 'Plan B', however they have basically made him think he is at high risk of being severely disabled or worse, regardless of whether he is anything from regiment to a chef.

Anyway, the ins and outs are irrelevant. We have spent 36hrs going over everthing, and it just makes him more resolute to pull out. But what now?? He is almost 18, with only GCSE's and an NVQ in Public Services, he quit sixth form when his RAF application was at a very advanced stage and the school wouldn't keep him on basically as he wasn't commited, He has a reasonably good list of vocational accolades including his D of E gold - but in this climate, what chance at all has he of finding any sort of job, when, basically, he has quit school and his first job? DH will not entertain the idea of him going to college - he has missed the enrolment dates anyway, and is insisting he goes all-out to find work, but in the same breath insists there are absolutely no jobs out there for teens, especially ones who have a history of unreliability. We both feel he is making an enormous mistake - this is an unparalleled oportunity with concerns which he is refusing to put into context. We also feel that the girlfriend is a not-insignificant factor but he denies this.

I am absolutely devastated for him. We thought the future was going in one direction, and in a few short weeks and completely out of the blue, it has taken the completely opposite direction. Whilst I can see DH's point of view, it doesn't solve anything and I am frightened, quite frankly, and confused.

He is only five weeks in. And I'm guessing that this is the longest he's been away from home?

Chances are that it's a temporary blip even if it doesn't feel like one. And to be quite honest, unless he's joining the RAF Regiment or planning to be Forward Air Control (ground based controller of ground attack aircraft), the RAF is a safer service than the Army (but even those two jobs are still safer than the Army).

Everyone goes through a low during basic training at some point and for many different reasons (personal experience talking here). He'll be far more objective about the whole thing if he can get through basic training and to the end of the course. Even if he still decides to leave afterwards, he'll be able to carry with him the knowledge and self-confidence that he could overcome that particular obstacle - which will be a good personal testament to his character when applying for jobs etc.

another one wondering if it was what he wanted or is there a family tradition and he was pushed into it. Personally I'd be relieved he wanted out and would be looking on college websites to see what might be available.

On the one hand, it might be a blip.

On the other hand, it might be that he was carried away by enthusiasm/family expectations and is now finding that this wasn't right for him.

We can't know, he probably doesn't know himself. Whichever decision he takes, it will be years before you know whether it was the right one. All you can do is to be as supportive as possible and help him explore different options.

Hi everyone, sorry for disappearing. It has been a rollercoaster few days to say the least.

Many many thanks to all who have given other perspectives, personal experiences etc. I feel very reassured. DH and I have also had a heavy 'talk', and he admits he over-reacted, partly due to his own upbringing (not military btw) and the fact that he saw DS's future seriously stalling. There is absolutely no military connection in the family - this is totally DS's vision, desire, etc. whatever you want to call it.

Well, there has been another u-turn. At 1.30pm on Sunday he set off back to base with 2 mates, still of the same mind, with pen in hand ready to VW on Monday. At 5.00pm, a text arrives saying 'I may have had a change of plan, sorry for messing you and Dad around. I am thinking of staying'. And then at 6pm, another to say he has decided to stay.

I have spoken at length to both his Flight Lt. and the Sergeant who deals with welfare. Both convinced me that this type of event is very normal, especially in the specific week he has just completed, which is tough mentally and physically, and especially given that he is 17, has a slight injury, is bottling things up and not sleeping, etc. They are keeping an eye on him as he is under 18. Indeed when we had the parents briefing, they pretty much outlined, word for word, what a proportion of them go through, what they say to their nearest and dearest, how it will leave us feeling and what support we should give. All good stuff, not easy to rationally put into practise when the s**t actually does hit the fan!!

He has been re-flighted (back 2 weeks) to re-do the week just done, which we are very much promoting as an opportunity and chance to re-group. He has been reminded that we love him unconditionally and support him no matter what, but that as parents it is our job to be tough and blunt sometimes because we want the best for him. So now it is text-by-text, day-by-day

Williquit this is excellent news! Hopefully your son doesnt buy you another ticket for the rollercoaster! This may well now be a blip he wont want to refer to again at least until training is over.

You and your DH should be proud of both him and yourselves for having the strength to get through this stage.

I'm glad to hear this. It would have been sad to abandon it so early.

Pleased to hear this.
They never stop making you worry do they?

Oh bless him - and you. What a roller coaster for you all.

Hopefully he feels all a bit better about this now, and will complete his training and enjoy it. If not - hopefully you and DH have come to an agreement on how to support him in future. I was gpoing to suggest that if he did leave, for him to try and get either a job in a ski resort for the winter, or work on a summer camp in the US, until reenrolment on a college course next year. But hopefully he has reignited his love for the RAF and will stay where he is.

More to the point will I hope you are OK. It must be very, very hard for you to see your boy off to the forces, without all this emotional upheaval. I hope you are looking after yourself.

I am worried that the same will happen with dd - and avid and dedicated cadet, she also wants to do the BTEC public services and join up when she is 18. I am terrified that she will also have the same crisis as your son did - the public service course doesn't really give you a steer into any other course other than forces. I am hoping that she will changeh her mind and do a levels.

Fingers crossed your son is OK now.

That's good news.

hopefully he will now complete his training but if he then decides he wants to leave I hope your dh will realise (show him the reaction here) that your job as parents is to be supportive. It can be hard when your child completely changes direction but it's not at all unusual for someone of this age.

Thanks for the update - that really is good news.

Whatever your DS decides to do, I wish him every success for the future x

My DH is in the RAF, became eligible for his "long gong" in November last year - that 15 years long service and good conduct medal, or the alternative view is 15 years of getting away with it!!!

He is an Armourer - servicing guns and bombs when in this country, and issuing small arms in the armoury when on detachment. He went to Iraq in 2005-06, and will be going to the Falklands next March.

He has never fired his weapon in anger, never had to consider the rules of engagement. He maintains that anyone in the RAF is much less likely to end up in a combat situation than those in the Army.

The Discips at Basic have to lay it on thick so that no-one can plead ignorance down the line. DH was recoursed on Basic too, as he caught the flu at about week 3. It was the best thing that could have happened to him - he knew what was coming once he'd started again and had the extra practice at stuff like the ironing, boot polishing and so on.

DH has his issues with being in the RAF, just like all jobs, but it has given him opportunities no other engineering job could. And he intends to stay in till they chuck him out.

Better to find out now that he's not cut out for it than later. There is no shame in having tried, nor is leaving a sign of "unreliability".

Aircraft maintenance is required in civilian as well as military life. How about looking at what would be required for a career working with, for instance, an airline? Do airlines do apprenticeships? What are the entry requirements.

Having to change course is always hard; but I'm sure your ds will be fine: you don't get a DoE gold for nothing and the RAF wouldn't have taken him in the first place if he didn't have lots of strengths

sorry- hadn't read update. That looks likje good news!

Williquit,

I was once involved in the basic training of RAF recruits (a few years ago now but the system is pretty much unchanged) and let me tell you it is not a pretty experience. It's designed to break you down so that the staff can build you back up to fit the military lifestyle. You have to go over sensitive issues of killing others and potentially being killed, or your mates next to you (which everyone finds the hardest). There's no point beating around the bush about it, so the training is brutal.

That said, although we have to train every airman and woman how to fire a rifle and teach basic fieldcraft skills, that doesn't mean they will be involved in front-line fighting; it's just to ensure that if it did ever happen by an unfortunate set of circumstances, they should be able to defend themselves. As a poster has said above me, her husband has never fired his rifle in conflict, and this can be expected for an engineer trade which your son is joining. That little paragraph you posted about them telling him he should expect to be put on the front-line is untrue, there are many others trained to do that.

Welfare for those going through training has improved massively over recent years. The military now accepts that cadets still are human and can get quite emotional and the support is there if needed. In fact I personally think it's one of the few things that the military actually gets spot-on these days, there are trained staff there to help with recruits who need help and they have to power to improve things and provide solutions (such as back-trooping). It's good you spoke to the welfare staff there, and I think I know the "week" they are referring to which results in a mixed bag of emotions, and yes, it's a bloody difficult but necessary week.

I'm happy to see your son is sticking with it, that shows mental courage which the military loves. Loads of lads cry in training, and I found it was mostly due to a rush of emotions and a completely different lifestyle. I think I shed a few tears in private on one particular exercise but I think that was down to a massive rush of adrenaline because all sorts was going on and it was just awesome!

Tell him to stick with it.

Willi - glad your DS has resolved his issues and I hope he finds that it is what he wants to do after all - but if not, I hope your DH (and you) will be better able to support him in whatever choice he makes. Good for him deciding to stick with it - and good luck to all of you for the future. :)

So glad x

I don't know if this is helpful or not. Your lad sounds like he is very capable and has done really well to get into the RAF.
The company I work for does some really good apprenticeships ...
here
or
here
I'm in now way promoting this as suitable for your son (that's up to him!) ... just an alternative idea if he needs it.

Thanks again, everyone. This has all made me quite emotional - not least for the wonderful support I have found here - there's only really one friend and (eventually) DH in RL who really 'get' this - it's a very rare occurence for me to reach out for support, I'm usually dishing it out by the bucketload, so consequently I often find that the odd time I do need a bit of 'moral' I feel I'm not really being taken seriously.

Sorry if that sounds like I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. This is all about DS, not me, who, thankfully, had a better day yesterday as I don't think he was too happy about the development flight he was put on at first, but I think most probably the fact that his pay was not processed before he came home was quite a blow - he has now sorted it I hope he gets his local leave this weekend and then home leave next as scheduled, and that he's better prepared to repeat next week now he's an idea of what to expect. He has had time to revise for the written test, and knows what's coming with the practical side (WingDad - it's CBRN week, thanks for your input - was thinking I've not seen you on MN for a while! )

Glad it has sorted itself out. Just to pass on my DS2s experience, specially to Getorf ... He left school after GCSE's and went to college to do Uniformed PUblic Services with the intention of joining the services when he finished but he decided to go to Uni instead. He got offers from everywhere he applied to and has just started at Leeds Met studying Law with Criminology. He loves it! I would never believed it.

I'm having the same problem and I would really a
Appreciate some advice please. my 17 year old son is 6 days into his RAF basic training, he's wanted this since he was 14 and has got a job as aviation engineer, he's having a hard time and saying he wants to quit. He's got no back up plan and when I said I think you should see a careers advisor to make plans just incase it didn't work out. He said no this is what I want so there's no point. After he had taken oath to be signed up for 28 days I got to say my goodbyes but he cried and said he doesn't think he like it and now when he texts it's to say he can't do it and he's unhappy. I really want him to make to the end of his 10 week basic training before he makes a decision as the raf have said they all hate it in the first few weeks but then they adjust to the big changes in daily routine. He's not affectionate at all towards me or anyone else and has said I don't miss you or home it's just I can't do the ironing and it's boring. I'm worried that he won't stick to any kind of job if he's saying this about a well paid job, I have been soft with him for the past year because I knew this was going to be hard so have gave him a break and not expected him to do any chores or anything else but now I regret it because he may have settled better if I had made him chip in more at home. Will he get over this blip or should I expect him home after a month? He's very lazy and has never even washed a pot or done any kind of housework. I love him and want him to be happy but he won't get another chance like this so I think he may regret it if he doesn't at least finish the training.

Start a new thread using your post as the first item.

I dropped out of being an Army chef, a week before I was due to go for training because for the first time after all the tests, physicals etc somebody mentioned I might be asked to pick up a gun and fight.
I can't believe they still leave it so long before that comes up even nowadays.

I think your son is doing the right thing coming home and starting again tbh, but that's just my opinion, the forces arent getting my children if i've got any say in it which i realise i haven't but anyway

Much much better for him to quit now than a) go through with it when he doesn't want to any more b) get more enmeshed when he is unhappy c) actually find himself in a war zone.

He has a lot of good qualities and considerable sticking power from what you say. He is still very young and has the whole world to discover.

Donna, really you just have to listen, soothe, get him to talk to the staff and let him work it out himself. 6 days is very very early to be crying and wanting out, and I suspect he didn't really know what he was getting himself into. There will always be a percentage that bail. It isn't for everyone. Nor should it be. Just be ready to help him work out what he will do next if he does leave. Presumably a civilian engineering career. He won't be the first and he won't be the last, and a lot of the kids who bail are unfortunately the ones who have been relatively cushioned. If he's never had to do anything for himself then it's going to be a total culture shock. Up to him whether he pulls himself together and starts to graft. Good luck.