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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son's girlfriend is pregnant

53 replies

Lilylongshanks · 26/07/2011 17:11

I would really appreciate some help/advice with this problem. My son and his girlfriend told me last week that she is pregnant. They had decided that they did not want the baby and would be aborting. I told them that they would have our support whatever their decision. She is a lovely girl of 18 (son is 19) and about to go to Uni so this is probably the right decision for her. Both of them have conducted themselves with great dignity throughout this. I spoke to gf separately on her own just to make sure that this was what she really wanted to do and she was adamant that this is her decision (I was a bit worried that my son may have persuaded her as she has a cathloic upbringing). All was calm and sensible until I suggested to gf that she really should think about telling her own mother. What a huge mistake - her mother and sister have extreme anti-abortion views and have gone mad. She has had to move out to a friend's house and we are receiving anti abortion material through the letterbox. I am so upset and stressed about all of this that I can barely sleep. Gf wont be able to go home after the abortion - it will simply be worse- and she doesn't go to uni until October. We can look after her on a short term basis but my husband is very against having her to stay longer than a week or so as her family live close by and we are worried about their reaction. I don't know where to turn. What can I do?

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 27/07/2011 08:14

Laugs, yes she probanly has left school. I just know that we would feel a duty of care right up to starting uni and emailing the head of sixth form might result in some supportive ideas. I guess you have a point in that not all schools would do this though.

What about the citizens advice bureau?

Laugs · 27/07/2011 10:43

Yes, that's true, and I suppose the school would know her well and know of family background etc. Would there be anyone in school at the moment though? (although I know I used to have the phone number of a favourite sixth form teacher, and think that is probably true for lots of older pupils).

Albrecht · 27/07/2011 10:58

Does she already have a place at a uni? Check their website, they should have a students association or something that can advise and support although may be less functional over summer.

Many student flats have rooms to rent out over the summer as people change over flats at this time or go home for the summer. It will be a matter of finding out what local noticeboard, shop windows to browse, if there is not an official list. If its not a local uni to you she could go for a weekend to check out new areas (something to take her mind off crappiness of her situation now). I'm sure you could ask on MN for local advice from those with uni aged children or have recently been students.

She will need money though as loans can take a while to come through.

malinois · 27/07/2011 11:30

You've had some great advice so far and I do hope you can take this girl in.

Once she has had the termination, you will be having a serious talk with both your son and his g/f about contraception won't you?

VivaLeBeaver · 27/07/2011 11:41

Also you need to think what's going to happen to this girl long term? Are her parents disowning her for good? So what will happen at times like Xmas? Yes she will have uni accommodation but is she going to have to be the only one who stays at uni while everyone else goes home? Also a lot of uni digs are only till the end of the academic year so she will need to sort something for next summer.

She may not remain in a relationship with your son and might then be completely alone.

Ideally she needs to sort her relationship out with her parents. Are they likely to calm down? Does she have a sympathetic aunt who might mediate.?

Original poster

Lilylongshanks · 27/07/2011 16:06

Well, the termination has been sorted out for later this week and she is staying with my Mum for now, and being mothered to bits. There are all sorts of difficulties about staying with us, not least that her own home is very close and she would hardly be able to leave the house without bumping into them. She is very reluctant to involve the police at this stage. Perhaps the situation with her family will improve over time - hard to tell right now.
Thankfully, her father, who works away, has proved to be supportive, at least financially, so all of the Uni stuff should be fairly straightforward - thankyou all for the good advice on this.
Long term, there is no way she is going to a hostel or council flat!! We are hopefully sorting out for her to lodge with a good friend of mine who has a granny flat that she lets out. Xmas and stuff at Uni she will be with us - no question.
I have to say she is one very brave and determined young lady and I intend to stay in contact with this remarkable person, regardless of what happens in the future to her relationship with my son.
Fingers crossed that everything works out ok long-term and that this horrible episode hasn't caused any damage.
ps I've already done the big contraception lecture and will prob do it again!!!!

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MigratingCoconuts · 27/07/2011 16:20

Goodness, you are wonderful!!! Really, you have my total respect. You son, and his girlfriend, are very lucky to have this type of support.

Schtum · 27/07/2011 18:12

Lily, may I say that you are tear-prickingly fabulous. You're doing everything right here - bravo.

God bless you and the pair of them - I hope everything goes as well as possible for you all during this very difficult time.

birdofparadise · 27/07/2011 19:29

Well done you. Your son and his gf are lucky to have you. Late teens/ early twenties are a tricky age to negotiate without family, but you are stepping up to the mark admirably. This girl will always be grateful.

catwithflowers · 27/07/2011 19:33

There are some very good people in the world, you, Lily, being one of them. Bless you.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 27/07/2011 19:39

Good on you. So well done for supporting her so well

Please give her a big hug from me (and ask her to give you a big hug from me - I am betting this has been bloody stressful for you all)

RandomLady · 27/07/2011 19:42

I had a (secret from my family) abortion when I was 19, at university. It was the hardest, but also the best, decision I have ever made. Well done for supporting these young people through what must be an incredibly hard time for all of you.

Laugs · 28/07/2011 07:11

I'm so glad it all seems to be working out, Lily. I agree that your son and his girlfriend are very lucky to have you. I hope it all works out for the best.

oiwheresthecoffee · 29/07/2011 17:57

Lily you sound amazing , this girl is lucky to have you !

Jacksmania · 29/07/2011 19:53

Lily - how did everything go? Thinking of you.

Schtum · 29/07/2011 23:00

I've been thinking of you, him and her too.

Sad and difficult time...

Best wishes to you all...

edam · 29/07/2011 23:11

Just seen this. I hope everything's OK - sounds as if you have been a huge support to your son and his girlfriend. Do hope her family have started to act like normal human beings again instead of fuckwits.

Jacksmania · 31/07/2011 14:45

Bumping.

lovemyboysandbeagles · 01/08/2011 19:27

Poor girl. I think as a mum you have done an amazing job and I hope if I am ever in that siutaion I can do as good a job. It is no wonder her own 'family' have no contact with extended family if this is how they treat people. How a mum can turn her back on a daughter who is trying to act responsibly and mature is beyond me. Sorry I can't offer any practical advise but I wish you and you son's GF all the best with whatever happens.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/08/2011 19:29

Not read the whole thing, but there are often places in University accommodation over the Summer that are available for rent. If you are local to one it's worth a look - not too expensive either IIRC.

TheMitfordsMaid · 01/08/2011 19:39

I hope I am like you, lily, when my sons are older. I think you are fantastic.

MABS · 02/08/2011 09:09

do hope you are ok, you are fantastic i agree

daisysue2 · 05/08/2011 17:43

When I was 18 I lived in a YWCA hostel for a year after having a bad experience in a flat. Not sure if there is one in your area, I was in Central London. They are hard to get in but will often try and find a place if a difficult situation has arisen. I loved it and met some brilliant people there we were all young girls, students, temps, dancers. Not sure if this is an option but if gf needs to get away she may be able to stay in one for a few months until Uni starts. Does she have a summer job. Rents were very reasonable and it was a bit like boarding school but without the teachers.

shanishous · 10/08/2011 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster

Lilylongshanks · 26/09/2011 12:11

Just a quick update to let you know how this panned out. Sons gf stayed with my mum for a week before the termination and then with us for a week afterwards. She then decided to go home and ride out the storm, which she did very ably. She is now at uni and thoroughly enjoying it. I was rather worried about the potential emotional fallout after the termination but she said she was simply relieved afterwards and that the staff at the clinic were wonderful.
Many thanks to all of you for your advice and support - I'm so glad we all managed to get through this episode.

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