Me no friends, daughters no friends, too late to put right?

[kazza113]

Hi i'm after some advice. I have twin daughters who are just 13. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since they were born, and as a result have not really made friends myself or for my girls. I've spent time with my parents and sister and nieces and nephews and one friend since the girls started school. I feel for the past year that the mist is clearing and I feel like I want to try and build more of a life for me and my girls. My worry is that i've not given my girls confidence in making friends. They both seem to struggle with the friends situation and I want to know if they will have been affected by not seeing me in many social situations. A lot of the other girls at school seem so much more confident and able to make friends than my girls. Can I put this right or have I caused problems that can't be fixed?

Hi Kazza, I don't think that parents make friends for their children, they do that for themselves. I've always been quite shy and find it difficult to make new friendships (although I do have a couple of good friends that I've known for over 20 years) and my DDs have made friends without any problems.

I don't have any experience of twins, but maybe they think that having each other is enough for now. Are they very close?

I'm sorry that you've been through a difficult time and I'm glad to hear that you are starting to feel better. Maybe It is time that you started to think about yourself a little, now that your girls are growing up. Do you work? You could suggest meeting up with colleagues if you do. If not, you could try a course at the local college to meet new people.

I sympathise, it's difficult. Not everyone is made to be confident and out-going, but I do think that your DDs will find their own way.

Do your daughters want to have friends or are they happy with each other? Do they have friends at school but just don't want to bring them home - have you asked the teacher. One of my DD's talks to people at school and has friends to have lunch with but just does not want to see them at the weekend etc - she feels she has enough at school and wants to spend time with her sisters at the weekend. I think we made her miserable at one point by inviting other girls round and trying to manufacture friendships.

Never too late!

no, not too late.

as you get happier, be out there having fun with your girls. That acts as a "draw" to other people. If you are all super-shy, that might involve some kind of special shared interest?

if people have a sense of you enjoying eachother they'll relax and want to be a bit of a part of it. you then welcome them "in", taking it very gradually. It's the opposite of being "needy".....

Not too late. And it's not down to you that they don't make friends. that's a personality thing, or the fact that they are just happy to be together - what an amazing friend just there! Don't beat yourself up about this. Yes, show them that you are pushing yourself out there and overcoming some of your confidence issues - it will make them proud and perhaps aspire to do that too. But they will find their own way in life. As long as they know you support them in the way they need, then they will have the room to build their own confidence and friendships.

Really, don't be too hard on yourself. You sound like you are coming out of a very tough 13 years. Be proud of yourself.

just to agree with the previous poster.

nothing will be more attractive to other people than you just enjoying your girls now you've got a chance to. I don't think you necessarily need to "court" people (and that's a hard thing to pull off anyway because old insecurities tend to show through).

good luck!

Too late? Never.

Your DDs are very young. Start of teen years. Plenty of time to start to enjoy life as a family and to look outside your family for things to get involved in and to enjoy. They say that success breeds success and it's so true. One positive thing can and so often does lead to another. Take your time.

Can you chill this holidays? Altogether with your DDs? And Pot is right - you should be very proud of yourself. You've done well.

Could you join the school pta? Its good to be doing something helpful and a good way to be sociable. At meetings you can chat to other parents and at school events you serve teas and sell raffle tickets etc. Great way to get to know people! Your daughters will see you helping others and in return helping yourself. Could encourage them to volunteer for things too.

In the playground at my ds school it says 'to make a friend, be a friend' think about other peoples needs first, you then fulfill your needs as a byproduct.

I like Posh's advice in her second post - thinking about other people's needs.

PTAs are something where it's best just dipping a toe in I think. The committee tends to be quite close knit (some poor sod ends up having to chair it so her mates feel duty bound to join the committee but then newcomers may find it cliquey etc,etc).

To dip in a toe, have a look at the PTA's calendar of events. Turn up and attend the second half of the event. Then help put stuff away afterwards. This simple risk-free act will register you in the mind of the committee person organising the event as a nice hepful person. If you do it regularly, you will start to be considered an all-round good person. It will take a while for them to drop their guard and admit their own lives aren't picture perfect though, so give that time.

Thanks lingle...... I was starting to think my posts were the kiss of death to any thread i said anything on ......not paranoid or anything! So thanks for agreeing!

Hi Thanks so much for your replies. I'm taking on board what you've said about having fun and that hopefully people will see that and make them feel relaxed. I struggle with that a bit, I feel awkward around people that I dont know very well. I never seem to get past that aquaintance stage and polite chat. It's hard taking that step further.

You must read a book called "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. I swear it will change your life. I was so shy when i was younger and this book helped me so much.