my ds has started hitting me ,he's 11.Should i involve the police?

[cavolonero]

My ds is just turning 11,not quite a teen but secondary school looms.I have had questions about his behaviour - wondered if he was aspergers - we are finally getting an appt with CAHMS next week - but he has suddenly wanted to pick fights with me.has been quite verbally rude for some weeks but now wants to punch,kick and bite me.We had an awful weekend when i was coming to terms with this and we have just experienced an evening when he has exploded on me. I am covered in bruises,he seems to be getting off on it.He has a taster day at secondary school tomorrow. we are now the same size,I try to stand still and not retaliate but i am forced to leave the house so that it doesnt escalate.I think he has no respect for me - undermined by his dad ,but I 'm worried that this can't go on - should i call the police and where would that lead?

'If you don't know what RJ is, how can you know it would not be helpful?

If your ds hurts people then he will get in trouble with police sooner or later. RJ might help avoid and is used in secondary schools.'

Took me a few minutes to work out that you didn't mean Royal Jelly as a supplement.

What would you recommend as an appropriate consequence for hitting?
My ds flies into violent rages - I need a way to calm him down from them, I find that trying to impose a remote consequence after the event when he has calmed down anyway isn't very effective. (he is 7 btw not 11, but I fear we will still be here then at this rate!)

haha! Goblin....RJ = restorative justice. not royal jelly. its another method of dealing with a crime, making the offender pay back or make amends for their offence.

i would also recommend popping onto the SN boards.

im torn on this one. The police, while you may be able to tell them you think he has AS, will not be experts (unless your a PC and a mum to a child with AS!

and most response bobbies (and if you dial 999 while under attack a response bobby is what you will get) will have limited understanding of what it is and will only be seeking to put a stop to what will be deemed a domestic incident. they will be required by force policy to take 'positive action' - which could mean removing your boy to a police station to prevent a breach of the peace. Will your son understand? will this approach do him any favours? The police will be a quick fix - not a solution imo.

I should also say that this is what COULD happen, different bobbies may deal differently, I would be loathe to arrest an 11 ur old with SN but some bobbies might, I would be speaking to your GP, school and Cahms when you get your appt....I personally think ringing police would be a last resort

but vicar,it accesses help from ss a hell of a lot quicker than through other agencies. builds a picture etc

and makes a young person think!! my dd was very bad over 6 month period......got through it,was so impressed by police that she now aspires to become an officer too

silver lining there i think! she was 14 tho,11 is rather young

We work with lots of kids with aspergers at work - we have one making threats at the moment - he was spoken to by the community police officer - you need to make your son see that this nehaviour is not acceptable full stop - when he is attacking members of the public aspergers won't come into it - he willbe labelled something different and that will stay with him for the rest of his life.

i m really glad it worked for you tiffany, i just think its different with a child with SN. (My son has aspergers and im a response bobby - just off to work now so wont be back till tomorrow)

i would explore other avenues first with an 11 yr old with suspected SN is all i am saying. Do you criminalise an 11yr old? what would the mum in this expect the police to do? im just not sure this would be my first course of action as a mum, in this particular instance.

good luck anyway, op

do you think that your neighbour would help you more? If your DS is friends with them and was embarrassed enough to hide when they came round then maybe he cares what they think of him? Would they talk with you and him in a calm moment?

vicar.....sorry,but op doesnt know he has SN....it could just be normal growing up and puberty. i dont think its fair to label a child with SN once they start to become difficult.

That's why CAMHS assessment will be useful.
What works with a stroppy and aggressive child intentionally choosing to abuse his mother and what works with a stressed child with AS can be very different things. So the OP needs to find out what might be the cause of the derailed behaviour and then work towards solving the problems one at a time.

Quickly typing this on phone, agreed that I would get assessments done first to find out what you're dealing with. I never said RJ is an arrest- but We use it as a method of disposal after arrest. I thought the op meant should she phone police the next time she came under attack. Even if she meant should she just get advice from neighbourhood team, I would find out what she is dealing with first, I have no experience in terms of what neighbourhood bobbies would or could do as I am on a response team. I will ask neighbourhood when I next see them, if you like op, but each force may differ in what they are likely to do.

CQrrrnee I did ponit out I live in a village and the school years are mixed as they only have four classrooms. The last OFSTED report even highlighted the high cases of ASD. According to the parenting questionnare for the school it was actually over 92% of parents thought there child had ADHD or similar.

I have an issue with this as these same parents go to the local shop to buy sweets BEFORE and after school.; And also bleat about their childs condition if they bite, punch, hit or terrorise the others.

No action is taken and as per usual we have to empathise with the afflicted child, because they suffer from ADHD.....?

Try telling that to your child when they are covered in bruises and bite marks....

All I am saying is that whilst some children do genuinely suffer from ADHD there must me 100 that just have really bad parenting.

Are you complaining about the amount of self-diagnosis that the parents appear to be carrying out, or did OFSTED accept that a significant number of pupils had been given a clinical diagnosis of ASD or ADHD?
One situation is very different to another.
Which is why discovering the cause of the behaviour is a key to finding appropriate strategies that work, rather than making random, disciplinarian lunges based on a response to the unacceptable violence being shown by the child.
You need to attack the root cause, rather than reacting to the consequences if you are trying to find an effective, long-term solution.

Are camhs the people who diagnose asd then? I have no idea.

i rest my case. as a bobby. and as a mum.
good luck

gosh, i missed that one.

really? diet cures AS? omg! to think all these years, 19 of them in fact, i could have simply cured my son with diet and a quick word. well i never! why on earth didnt i just think of that?

I have always been able to deal with DS, and am lucky that he has never been what i call "angry aspergers", he is quite calm and even tempered and is more likely to be the victim than the agressor. I am not saying that there is never a case for calling or involving the police, but i know my group recently had to go out to a 10 yr old that had multiple problems and they were absolutely none the wiser as to what to do with him, as he just took a pop as the bobbies who went out! seriously - he kicked and spat at my colleagues - it was a saturday night and custody would really not have been best pleased had they locked him up - a 10 yr old- on a saturday night. They rang his GP, who refused to come out. At 11 i think the OP would have the same problem. No one wants to lock up an 11 year old with special needs really - it would be a last resort.

If she is saying that she wants the community or neighbourhood police to come out and speak to him then thats different, and perhaps would work, but in the heat of the moment, when a child with behavioural difficulties kicks off, will they remember what the police have said weeks before?

i have to say that i asked around on group about police involvement of this nature - now my group is response and as such deal with 999 calls - but most were incredulous that a parent of an 11 year old should need police involvment - most perceived this as a parenting issue and not a police matter. Now im not saying this is how all bobbies think, but increasingly people are looking to the police to deal with issues that are not issues for an emergency service....i sympathise as the parent of a child with autism, but at 11, this really is a parenting issue, not a police one. What happens - do you call the police every time the child has a meltdown? or do you find therapies and ways and means of dealing with it?

This is why the OP in this needs to find out exactly what they are dealing with. a child who is stressed, autistic and going into meltdown is not, and cannot be dealt with the same, as a child who is simply acting up and needs short sharp shock to knock them into line.

i have one at 19 who is autistic, one at 14 who is NT and im a bobby. really, i can see this from all 3 angles, so my advice is based on that.

Gosh - i have been away for a few days so trying to digest all these new posts - they are both comforting and shockingly scary to think where this could all go in the future.

I don't think the phrase 'bad parenting' is useful in any situation - its not a role we have training for - people are complicated and we all need back up sometimes - if we don't have extended family we look to authority figures/services for help.

I have asked friends/neighbours to talk to him and not shed much light on situation.He isnt sorry or shocked by his actions - but he said he wanted me to be like other mums and I was always grumpy(!)a - his lack of remorse is seriously worrying me - BUT - I had a breakthrough with him last night(on his 11th birthday.)

We had been out all day with friends and was often sulky and rude - BUT as i put the key in the door he blurted out an incident at school that happened weeks ago - he is being picked on by a kid who is known for bullying and DS in class threatened to stab him - other kid had called him weak and that he was coming round to his house with his gang of friends.It all started over a pencil.There is also a racial abuse issue here.DS is almost the only white kid in the school.

It was dealt by class teacher and then the head threatening to call the police for DS -the other kid was not punished - they DID NOT contact me or involve me at all.

DS did not tel me as he was frightened i would be angry with him and we were going on holiday the following week at half term and he didnt want to spoil it (his words) It was at this time that I noticed a change in his normal behaviour and put it down to hormones plus his suspected spectrum aspergers.

He has been carrying this secret and fear of me finding out and not feeling able to talk to me - I do not condone his beahviour at all obviously - and have told him so - not least because kids around here get stabbed over a packet of sweets and there are lots of gangs - he needs to know how to deal with anger and keep out of trouble.

IThe school may have been trying to shock him but by not listening to his side of the story they have made him worse. They know he has problems with anxiety about school etc - I have no idea why they have not involved me - they have made a bad situation worse for us - maybe they assumed he would tell me himself?

I am definately contacting the school tomorrow - but i feel relieved i may have found a contributing factor to his behaviour - I hope I can work with him now.