Money

[noddyholder]

My ds turned 17 in May. He has been at 6 form college since sept and has hated it from day one resulting in a terrible atmosphere at home, him doing zero work and the tutors on MY case all the time and just a general nightmare. We used to give him £50 a month until he started college when he became entitled to 20 a week EMA. To be honest he rarely got it as his attitude and lateness was terrible. At xmas I said leave and start A levels again at a new college in sept but he said no and plodded on getting further and further behind. last week he and teh teachers and we all decided enough. He was on teh wrong course (schools fault!) and was just not doing anything. He has found another college and better courses starting in September and he has begun teh motions to get in. Now what do we do about £. He has none apart from about £50 and when that runs out nothing. I have said he needs to find a p/t job til september he says he will look this week. But shall we reinstate an allowance? I think I would have to lay down some serious chores/rules if we did as he has been so awful to be around. What do you think?

Well ds is back to his usual awful self. He went out last night and came in this morning at 8 no text or call or anything. He looks a mess and is still boasting on FB about how he has 120 days of freedom until he starts new course etc. Says he wouldn't work in mcdonalds if he was on the streets etc etc and as that is the only place local hiring he is going to be in trouble. We don't know why he is like this he has been well brought up and treated fairly etc etc good school and not really spoiled materially for an only child. This has made me think I will give him nothing. He is upstairs as if everything is fine and he looks a mess and won't be going job hunting today looking at him. I think i might take the modem out when i go as he has blackmailed us with the internet due to college work but not that he has left i just don't feel like providing him with these luxuries. How can i punish a 17 yr old?

now that he has left

hi noddy

it sounds very much like it's time to get tough with him.....but be careful not to get into the battles where it's easy for him to 'win' over though.

eg. the modem..yes deny him 'luxuries' until he accepts they have to be paid for, but he can easily turn this back on you by saying he needs the 'net for job-hunting (he most likely will, so many places prefer online applications).

the way to 'hit' my lads with reality was where they think most..in their stomach it might be hard to do, i don't know your own lifestyle, but meal times must be the only source of food...strip all snacks etc out and make it clear he needs to buy his own. no cola, no biscuits, crisps, pot noodles (i know, huge assumptions that you have these things). and don't lend him any money. let him work for it around the house.
it's a 'pity' you've just done the renovations, he could have been very useful can you 'hire' him out to friends, neighbours or relatives?

If he won't work at McDonalds, then just don't give him any money. Sorry but we all need to do our share of grotty jobs, and there are worse. So why not give him a pile of cutting of cleaning jobs, jobs in care homes etc. And even if he can't get a paying job, make it clear he has to do some voluntary work for you to give him an allowance.

I have just got back in and he has cooked bacon sandwiches and left the kitchen a tip. We offered him an allowance for voluntary work he told us he would never do it. Mcdonalds is 3 early morning shifts a week he says no to that too. I think i will stop all the snacks he eats packets of biscuits at a time and i cook nice food the rest of the time so he won't starve. he stayed out all night without letting us know and thinks he shouldn't have to I am so sick of him He has wasted a whole year at college and done nothing and now thinks he is going to hang around all summer! His dad had just paid for his retakes aswell more bloody wasted money

stop all money. STop internet - they have computers at the library. Stop all the nice extras. And do NOT pay him for tidying his own mess......thats what he gets to do for the priviledge of living at home.

Just freeze the bank of mum and dad.

There will always be a list of chores in the house - grass cutting, window cleaning, bathroom cleaning, laundry, ironing, floor washing, dog walking etc. Make him a list every day. No chores = No pocket money. Pay every day after chores are done, max a couple of quid.

Then stick to it.

He will soon realise that a job is much more fun and pays better.

Thanks that is what I want to do but the screaming and atmosphere in the house are unbearable so no internet will be a nightmare but I will do it. I wish he would go tbh

My DD has a job 2 nights a week. she is in Y12. She gets her phone paid, travel money etc but she tends to pay for a lot herself. I have just paid for her to go away in the summer but she will provide spending money. I do buy some toiletries and clothes.

TBH I would find it hard to give her anymore at present. I think the job helps build confidence and gives her independence. i know it is not always easy to find a job.

My ds thinks he is too good for a job for some reason. It doesn't help that his best friend is loaded and his mum allows him to do anything he likes. He regularly turns up at our door in the middle of the day drinking beer that she has bought for him. This makes us look super strict and tbh we aren't.

you are having a terrible time of it at the moment aren't you nodders?!

I do wonder that our education system has fostered the unrealistic idea in our young people that they should not settle for a job when they are planning their career. All very noble Im sure, but not realistic.

ALmost all of us have done some horrible jobs that have become part of our fun personal history - I worked as a carpet cleaner, in loads of restaurants...dull, boring and totally irrelevant to what I wanted to be doing, but it brought home the bacon.

My BF worked in an old age home. She had us in stitches the other day about an old lady that would hide her poo. My friend would have to search for the poo and remove it before the old bat would lob it at her. One day she searched for ages....she could smell it but not find it. It was under the old gal's wig.......

In this climate, he will be lucky to get a job, and it will provide him with income and a reference for future employers if he is lucky.

Easier to get a job when you have a job.

mine thought he was too good to go and sign on.

literally thought that signing on was for down and outs

"but you and dad are working and we own our house"

God custy it is a nightmare. I am so ill and this isn't helping! Just been to the supermarket to stock up on loads of healthy food to try and get better. I don't know what he is on tbh. He is so blinkered but I agree that this generation think the world owes them. The tutors at 6th form said they have never known anything like the attitudes of the last 5 years Most really don't give a damn and think things will just come to them my ds has not been brought up like that and you can see he knows its wrong but won't lose face with his mates. We are not skint by any means but its not about that for us its about learning some respect and life skills and getting his head out of his arse!

I don't think you can blame the education system. I have a friend whose two sons went to Public school, however when they left they were also down the refuse tip at 5 am getting casual work on the dustcarts.

I'm sorry that you have to fight this battle now; but just think how much better it is than having a 30 year old wastrel who still relies on the bank of Mum and Dad.

The fact is they are nit brought up to know how much thongs cost. He needs a reality check. Give him a breakdown of his share of the bills, everything elec, gas, council tax, Internet (full amount if he's the only one using it) etc and then ask him how he is going to pay it? When he says he can't ask him what he thinks would be reasonable fir him to pay/do to be part if the household. Give him a timescale and if he's not got a job/made acreal effort then starting reducing his outgoings. How does he afford to go out all night til 8am? Show him how much he could earn doing different jobs. You may not feel you have spolit him but he feels he can take without giving and that is not all down to his bfs mum.

He has had a very good education where do I blame the education system? He has been spoilt in terms of time and had a good life eg school holidays etc and we have a good standard of living but he does know things cost etc. I don,t blame his bf mum but teenagers always compare and he does get more freedom and money so it has been an issue at times. He has definitely never been pushed to work as in a part time job as he has never had to and tbh if he hadn't left college early I wouldn,t be forcing the issue because if he is skint he is. He has Money because it was his birthday in may and several people gave him cash and he has hung onto it. I want him to get some work experience and he wants to party with his mates simple as that.

He's definitely taking the piss. There are fewer jobs around at the moment, but Brighton in the summer? There will be something. As someone else said, the students will be going home soon, so it's the perfect time to look.
If you give in and give him cash he'll continue to take the piss. Once his birthday money runs out and he sees no more money coming his way he will begin to realise that you are serious.
DD1 is 17. She has recently got a part time job. We have never given a fixed allowance, just money as and when we think she needs it. She's probably done quite well out if it. We still give her cash for things as well as continuing to pay for martial arts, lunches, basic clothes and toiletries. In return, she works hard at school and rarely asks for money.
I don't think your DS will be happy at all if you close the bank of mum and dad, but I do think it has to be done for his benefit.
And yes, I agree that his best friends attitude is almost certainly contributing to your DSs behaviour.

I am definitely closing the bank! His money will run out and then he will have to work full stop.

NOddy I've put a thread on property which I' be very grateful if you could look at.

It's got your name in the thread.

Thanks

Mumbles

Ok mumbles x

Hey Nodders, am so sorry you are going through this :( DD has shocked me by being offered two little part time jobs locally and is really keen. will se how long it lasts though..

AM hanging in there mabs there are glimmers of hope starting to show. He needs to get some experience and stop relying so heavily on us for money. Its hard to keep saying no but we are! Well done dd getting some work it will do them all good.

glad it bit better Nodders, dd now babysittin some friends of friends tomorrow night for £35, she v pleased!

Thats great! Ds upstairs doing his CV or facebooking