17 yr old dd has manipulative boyfriend- what to do?

[kansasmum]

My Dd is 17 and has been seeing this boy since Feb 2010 so just over a year. Until last week we have always thought is he is "ok" but not exactly ideal. He has a difficult and complicated family life and lives with his Grandmother how doesn't seem to care much about him. His mum has 3 other kids who live with her. His Dad isn't on the scene.

Anyway he has always been polite when he came over so we thought we would just let it run its course and hope she "saw the light"!!!
Anyway last week they had a big argument and for an afternoon he dumped her. She was beside herself and was angry with him too. Then it all came out- he has basically manipulated her out of about £400!! Money he used towards buying a piece of sh*t car which he then bought alloys for despite it not actually running properly- Dd also put money toward these:( She has a job at the local pub waitressing which she likes but I discovered all her money and the monthly allowance we give her has been going to him. He manipulates her and so does his mother. I am so amazed by my dd's behaviour- she is so assertive and smart and street smart too- normally- she wouldn't stand this behaviour from her friends. She only sees her other friends at school- never out of school- he doesn't like it- I have tried talking to her and telling her this border son abuse- controlling who she sees etc but she doesn't get it or doesn't want it. its like she is addicted to him.

I am so furious about the money and thought I had got through to her on Friday when he dumped her- told how people who love and care for someone doesn't take all their money etc. He jacked his job in at the pub cos he got told off over something trivial by the barman and decided no-one was speaking to him like that and that was that. Now he has told dd he will change and pay back the money etc etc! yeah yeah..... but she is believing him.

Dh is so angry but won't speak to her- as usual but then criticises for me for not stopping her seeing him?!!!!

She has AS exams in the next few weeks and today has started 3 weeks study leave- today she is at his house- I called her and told her I would be collecting her at 2.30- she hung up on me so we shall see.

What do I do? I just want this loser off the scene but she is 17 so its very hard.

So sad she thinks so little of herself that she would rather be with this a*hole than out with her mates- she is bright popular and pretty and my friend's 19 yr old dd who went through similar has offered to take to an YFC party with her so she can meet other people (and boys who will treat her NICELY!) but of course she refuses to go so far.
HELP!! (Sorry it got so long!)

didn't want to read and run...what a situation! My DD is still only 13 but this is the kind of thing I dread.

Is there anyway she would agree to a break from seeing him, for the sake of her exams and her future??
You said your DH won't talk to her - if he did, would she listen to him?

no real advice - hope someone else comes along with experience..

Its so hard (again my dd's are still very young but i dread this happening), when i was 16 i started dating someone very similar, he had verious problems, he took money from me, got hooked on drink and eventually became violent. My parents hated me seeing him but the more i knew they didn't like him the more i wanted to be with him and prove them wrong , i learnt the hard way (which in a way i think was the best way) and my parents were there to pick up the peices, i got over it and never let anyone do it to me again.

So maybe a little bit of reverse phycollogy (sp)? be nice to him, and hope your daughter eventually see's what a prick he is.

Well today I won a battle but not the war....I picked her up at 2.30 and she was there on time and was very pleasant and even came and helped me look at fridges and range cooker son the way home and took her little brother to the loo for me at the store.

She is now revising upstairs and I have agreed to help by testing her later so that's more positive.

Day by day is the only way to take it. I also will no longer get angry and upset with her to her face. I was very calm and just said I will pick you up at 2.30- end of! Today it worked but we shall see.

Boyfriend went for a job interview today so lets hope he gets it so he can bloomin' well pay back the money!

I have two teen girls and went through this with my eldest. She's going to be 18 next month and is gorgeous, kind and v sensible. However when she was 13 she got a boyfriend who was v manipulative. He controlled her in so many ways, he was 16. She thought he loved her but he was just a bully.
We tried everything, we welcomed him into the home (before we discovered just how awful he was), we banned her from seeing hime. The school got involved as he once turned up at her classroom door demanding to speak to her becasue she hadn't replied to his latest text.
She was exhausted, he used to text her at all hours, we had to take her mobile off her at 8:30 and not give it back until the next morning. He once turned up at our house at 10pm in his pj's because he had something to tell her. She was in bed so we sent him away, we phoned his mum who said "Awww....young love"!!!!!!!
We went shopping for a dress for her school disco and she wanted to show him, he didn't want to see it because he wasn't going to the disco so didn't want her to look nice. He did so many things it's hard to remember them all but the whole time was a nightmare. The worst was when she went missing after school for a few hours. We got very worried and he wouldn't tell us where she was, he was actually laughing in my face whilst I was crying. It took a visit from the police to tell hime that he had to say where she was as he was the last known person to see her and would be arrested if he didn't cooperate. He had arranged to meet her in the park and when we got there she was sitting on a swing waiting for him

Sorry it's so long but it's a relief to get it off my chest. Things dragged on for another few weeks/months and then she slowly discovered what he was like, she hated hime and then eventually didn't think of him at all. She sometimes mentions that time but never says his name. It obviously had a huge impact on her and we tried in all ways to help. She has since had lovely boyfriends, I thank god every day that she didn't stick to one 'type'. I'm confodent she wouldn't put up with the same thing now, having been through it once.

Lots of Good Luck with your situation x