putting on a false accent at school

[Mamateur]

We got DN to live with us 6 months ago, which meant a new city and an inner london school. THe school is rough but well run. I've known for a while he assumes a false accent at school where he is the only middle class kid in the class. Today the teacher called us with him present to report some bad behaviour (sadly the norm) and made DN speak to us on the phone, I couldn't understand him as he appeared to be impersonating Rastamouse.

He also refuses to bring friends home because our house is too grand and it would be boasting. It's ex-council with a few sticks of Ikea!

What can I say to him tonight? It's difficult because I've only known him 6 months and he's not 'mine'.

How old is he? I'm not clear on what it is you want to talk to him about - the behaviour or the adopted accent?

DS1 is 16 and moved school at 13 - his choice, and not in a new town, but he has only once had any of his new friends around. He goes off to parties and BBQs at other houses, and we've offered loads of times for him to host something here, or just to have boys around for an x-box session, but he just won't.

We're in a village near a small town, and he reckons no one would want to come out here, regardless of the fact lots of his mates live in similar local villages and the parents do the typical country taxi service (as do we).

We used to get quite concerned and upset by it, but have accepted it now as just part of him - he's really quite shy and self-conscious, but manages to have a 'cool' exterior, and I suppose squirms to think his mates would realise he lives in a normal house with an embarrassing mum and dad and younger siblings. Don't think the 'grandness' of the house is an issue - his school has quite a middle class demographic.

With the behaviour, the best you can do is take it gently - if you go in all guns firing he'll back into a corner and feel enraged and justified in whatever unreasonable behaviour he's been up to. Ask him to explain, listen to his side, and trust that the school have taken a realistic view (sounds positive that the teacher got him to call you). Play it by ear I suppose is what I'm getting at.

It can be difficult "fitting in" at school if you aren't the typical demographic, and he's probably trying very hard to fit in right now with all the other changes he's been going through. So, I'd not make a big deal about the accent - but it would be worth talking to him about peer pressure, and make sure he understands not to do anything to "fit in" which is going to get him into major trouble.

Hiding the fact that his house is better than the average for the school is another thing he's doing to try to be like the others - hopefully once he's been there a bit longer and has some real friends, he'll feel able to be more open with them and not worry about being judged.

I went through similar things when I went to secondary school, which had a much wider demographic than my primary (the most middle-class of the feeder) and made friends - I invited a couple back and was utterly mortified by their comments about our (detached suburban) house, as they both lived in cramped flats and thought it was a palace!

I didn't invite anyone else back for a long while, because I was embarrassed to have more than them and thought they'd decide I was a snob if I was well-off. He'll get over it in time, I'm sure.

Hi Whats. He's 13. The behaviour is an ongoing issue - we're working with the school on it and he has made some improvement although with regular slip-ups like today. His form teacher who called us is great and DN trusts him.

What I'm concerned about is him affecting an accent at school. We're hoping he will have changed schools by September - we're moving specifically so he can go to a better school where there are more children like him. I don't see how he can go back to being himself from one day to the next.

Why are you worried about the accent? It's called convergence and means he is trying to fit-in. It's fine! we all did it to a certain degree. As long as he knows about context - so where you use dialect and where you use standard english, I would regard it as a positive thing!

Agree that it won't take long for him to find some real friends and then hopefully he will bring them back - he may well find their houses aren't as different as he thinks they will be.

I suspect his new school will still have teen speak...

Jafakean. V common. Dropped and put on quicker than a hat.

Innit blud?

Don't worry about the accent, honestly. I moved between England and Scotland as a 10 yo and I used to speak in a Scottish accent at school and an English one at home. I still change accents depending on who I'm speaking to (which makes my dh laugh).

It isn't a problem - it's actually a good skill to have I think!

I don't think the accent is an issue to be honest. I, and many people I know, have several different accents.

For example, a friend of mine was raised by nigerian parents in scotland and moved to england for secondary school. They use all accents, depending on where they are and who they're speaking to.

If it's something he's 'putting on' it won't last forever and he'll forget it when his circumstances change.

Oh. Well perhaps I'm overreacting to it then. I would have thought it was important to be yourself and not just act and speak the way others do. He has not found it easy to make friends, despite being bright, funny and good-looking etc. I suspect this is because he's trying to fit in with one crowd who probably aren't fooled by his accent (I'm afraid it's comical) instead of looking for people he has a bit more in common with.

The thing is, I would understand if, like the above examples, they were accents that belonged to some part of his life. His bad behaviour is about fitting in as well, his mates (that he absolutely never sees outside school despite often thinking there is a plan to meet up) think its clever to be stupid etc.

I admit I'm very green in knowing which battles to fight, I had to hit the ground running six months ago - hardly a day goes by without a call from the school or a big issue at home.

It sounds like a difficult situation for you all tbh. You're just trying your best to understand him (I mean emotionally, not just when he's being Rastamouse!). You haven't said what the circumstances are, but you have my admiration for taking a child into your home.

There has obviously been a lot of change in his life, on top of the natural changes we all experience at that age. Loads of fuel for a teenage identity crisis there and probably why he doesn't feel able to be himself. Maybe he's not sure who 'himself' is at the moment.

I don't have a teenager (yet) so can't help much with the behavioural issues. There is a book I have which is often recommended on here 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so they will talk' - it is easy to read and has some quite straightforward advice. Hopefully someone may come along with a bit more advice for you.

What Besom said. There is a teenage version of that book by the way.

I was exactly the same. Spoke a perfect hybrid of patois and Eastenders at school (big inner London comp) in 1980s, and lovely middle England middle class English at home. Used to drive my mother wild. It was about fitting in. Loved it when we moved from SW1 to SW11.

I am still, and always have been, a nice middle class girl at heart.

In theory, it's important to be yourself, but in reality teens tend to have a strong desire to fit in - if you look around you'll see they tend to form themselves into little "tribes" with a common look, taste in music, etc. They all express their individuality by being the same as their friends.....

If he's going to be changing schools in September, then he'll have another chance to "reinvent" himself at that point - if you can, maybe you could talk to him about how he's ended up with a crowd who aren't that good an influence, and are "getting him into trouble", and that maybe at the new school he could try to find a group of friends who aren't like that? You're in a much trickier position than parents who have got used to their teenager bit by bit, and I know communication can be an issue, but sometimes if you talk to them as if you think they are capable of a calm sensible conversation, they can suprise you.

We do make progress when we talk. It's surprisingly easy to keep your calm when they're not 'yours' if you know what I mean, less emotionally-charged.

I've got the how to talk bible book!

On the advice here I might ignore the accent (although DP wants to take him to task over it) - he already has plenty of sanctions coming his way after behaviour on Friday and today.

Bikerunski interesting you had a very similar experience.

I did the opposite at school - my own accent was fairly broad and working class, but I used to affect a 'posh', almost RP accent to fit in with my friends, who were the more middle-class kids in the school (small-town comp with wide catchment area so a huge mix of backgrounds). At home I still sounded as rough as ever. Never a problem. Moved to London in the early 90s, a time when it was fashionable to sound northern, so lost the posh accent pretty sharpish. Now my accent is half and half - I definitely sound Northern to Londoners but whenever I go home I get the piss taken out of me for 'talking posh'.

Also adopted an English accent when I moved from glasgow in my teens, found it very easy to switch between the two, still do, can be on the phone to my sister and speak in a broad and I mean broad Glasweigan slang and then speak to dh/dd in an English accent and quite a posh one too, lol, don't think Im putting it on at all. lots of kids do it too, to just fit in, he'll find his happy medium, try not to worry to much.

Thanks for your replies.

Maryz good to hear from you! I like your idea of a diary. DN is always saying I don't care about the good stuff although I do always make a big fuss of good school marks etc. Anything that documents reality is good with him due to his tendency to, er, write his own version of events

He's being pretty awful at the moment though, although last night he opened up a bit and said 'it's not the school it's me, it's the way I am' and did not throw up his hands in complete horror when we suggested he might like to talk things through with an independent person. So I'm definitely going to try to arrange that.

We didn't mention the rastamouse accent!

We live in a mixed very middle class/very 'urban' area, all sorts. Our house is posh compared to some and positively under par compared with others.

If I hear my DS on the phone to his friends, I have absolutely no idea what he is saying. Some friends are also never invited them in because 'he doesn't trust them not to steal' . At the other extreme he will not let himself be seen in our old car.

Isn't that all part of the point of being a teen? btw love the Rastamouse analogy.