PART TWO: Don't want to think about my daughter having sex

[DarlaDoll]

Hi, this is my second thread.

Had a chat with DD when she got back from college and tried to ask her a little bit about her boyfriend. Didn't go down well that I had found out from her Facebook when we're not friends on there ('ARE YOU STALKING ME OR SOMETHING?') and only managed to get a bit of information out of him like his name, where they met, how old he is....I fear I questioned her a little bit too much about him as it resulted on her storming out of the room. Oops

Managed to talk to her over dinner and told her that I hoped she wasn't staying at his house as it could be unsafe and I didn't like the idea of not knowing where she was- she denied that she had been (lies) and still refused to tell us more about him 'in case the relationship went tits up'...

Fair enough, I read everyone's points and I can't stop her having sex and the most important thing was that she was careful. She responded surprisingly well to this but I fear I fucked it all up horribly by telling her that I didn't want her staying over at her best friend's house (DD's boyfriend flatshares with her) any more as I didn't know the boy. As usual, she flew off the handle and we said a few things that we shouldn't have (her- I'm 18, I can do what I want, me- Not when we're supporting you through university, you can't). I also said that I didn't want her staying out all night any more as I couldn't trust her :(

Now she's not talking to me, one word answers, general miserable face. I don't know what to do. Sorry if you feel like you're talking to a brickwall MN, but I am just not comfortable with handing over a nice card and box of condoms and saying 'go have fun, kids'...although I know it's impossible to stop her having sex now I don't want to do anything that can help her do it in anyway- it makes me feel like a bad parent.

The whole point of bringing up your children is to trust them when they leave home to make decisions that are responsible and right for them in every area of their lives, and to stand on their own two feet yet be able to ask for help when they need it.

It gets tricky when they get to their late teens and you have to let go, but if you don't, you are hobbling them. What they need is a parent who will be there and not judging them or saying 'I told you so' if they run into heavy weather in their relationships.

If you have genuine worries about this relationship (does the BF treat your DD well? does she have friends and a life outside of the relationship?) fair enough to inquire in a supportive way, but I don't think this is the situation here.

God, I didn't realise how lucky I was to have a laid back mum. When I left for uni she bought me saucepans, bedding, textbooks... and condoms!

completely agree with gneomedeplume
"I think there are other equally important things to talk about:

• respect in relationships, no two-timing
• keeping up with other friends
• if the relationship is over then finish it with goodwill on both sides and generosity on hers

When DD wants to move her relationship on I hope that she is ready. I hope our many conversations have helped. But that is my job, to hope and to try to help."

she obviously has a very close relationship with her DD and has earnt her DDs respect through being supportive. In turn, her DD is far more likely to listen and trust you with infomation, knowing you have a realisitc image of teenage life (adult in the case of the original poster) and you only care about her.
To re-iterate what most posters have said..
You have NO control over your DD, any control you have relies on her having respect for you. You are not going to gain respect enforcing rules on what is, an adult. Everything is legal, acceptable and normal.
You may have views but I'm afraid to say they are dated and unrealistic of current times, you can have them and act on them in your life, but you cannot influence your daughter and play it both ways- you expect her to follow your 'rules' but do not give her any respect or trust.
You need to consider whats more important for you..your daughter or your views. Would you rather your daughter was open and honest with you and safe or would you rather your relationship is lost over what seems ridiculous and you ultimately could loose your daughter, but she will still be doing what most 18 year olds do, but without the key person to gain advice from to keep her safe.

You've made clear to her your views, perhaps now its time to take a step back, respect her privacy, show her you are the supportive caring mother who simply loves her and wants to protect her. Maybe then she will start showing you respect and come to you when she needs you and share more about her life knowing you are going to be there for her, not judge and respect the adult you have brought her up to be.