Don't want to think about my daughter having sex

[DarlaDoll]

I'm mother to my freshly 18 year old DD and naturally she's been enjoying her first week of adulthood. She's been out every night this week, staying at a friends house or noisily stumbling in and even though I found this quite endearing at first- I'm now a little bit scared -.-

She came back this morning obviously doing the 'walk of shame'...messy hair, her tiny little town dress and high heel. Her relationship status changed on facebook a few days ago (and she didn't tell me, she doesn't tell me anything) so I assume she's obviously spent the night at her boyfriend's house. Lots of smirking, the blackberry constantly going off.....gah.

So basically, it's more or less obvious that she's sleeping with this boy now. I've done a bit of Facebook stalking and he actually lives in the house share of her best friend she's been staying at a few nights this week. Turns out she has got a cheeky little excuse when she says 'Staying at Imogen's tonight!' because she technically isn't lying. Devious little so-and-so.

I know she's 18 now, but she's still in Year 13 and my baby...and when I see her leave in her little school uniform each morning...it just makes me sick to think of someone doing these things with her.

We had a bit of an episode with a boyfriend a while back and she went mental when I tried to go 'So you know where to go if you get pregnant/Are you on the pill?/You can tell me anything'..

If you could help me MN- I don't know what to do. I know me, and I'm probably going to fly off the handle and some point and go 'I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING' next time she tries to leave the house. Should I turn a blind eye to it or try and talk to her, even though it's painfully obvious that she finds it embarrassing talking to me about anything like that.

She is 18, mind your own beeswax

KatieScarlett But she's my baby and still living in my house :(

Well frankly I think you're an eejit to have left it this late!

You've no right to condemn her or fly off the handle, she isn't a baby

At this age I suggest you buy her some condoms and leave her a card if you can't bear to talk to her and say something like "I love you and want you to be safe, if you need anything try to talk to me and I will do my best to help"

She doubtless finds it embarassing cos you may have overreacted last time

Won't it be like I'm condoning it if I buy her condoms? 4

Sorry if I'm out of touch....I didn't have sex til very late and it was with DH. She has pretty much jumped into a relationship and into bed with this boy!

Honestly, if you can't bear the idea of her having sex, when she's already 18, then you are better not to attempt to have a conversation with her about it. On the basis that it's not something she discusses with you, what makes you so sure that she has "jumped" into this relationship? She may have known him for ages, but not mentioned him to you so that you wouldn't overreact again.

You can't suddenyl develop a relationship with her where you expect her to be open about this stiuff at 18, when you haven't been laying the groundwork for the past 10 years.

Just don't think about it if it bothers you that much.

Look Op, you need to look at this. Surely you want her having an enjoyable sex life, that's sexually fulfilling, where is loved and respected.

All the above require a NON-condemnatory conversation. You cannot object to her having sex or judging her (it's not fair or right)

What you can do is have conversations with her about protection (heart plus vagina) and about how to get the most out of sex.

God, just leave her to it, and trust that she's sensible enough to look after herself in spite of your inability to advise her or check that she understands her options.

My mum buried her head in the sand and then completely inappropriately flipped her lid when she found out I had indeed had sex. I was 20, had been away at uni for two years, and she read my diary to 'confirm her suspicions'. What the jeff she thought she was going to achieve by confronting me, I have no idea. Anyway, the bloke I'd 'jumped into bed with', I'd been going out with him for a year but not told mother about because she would have tried to put the kibosh on it. I married him eventually.

Darla, Darla, DARLA...

Breathe!....

1. First off, she is not a baby, she's eighteen and that makes her an adult.

1. A lot of teenagers start having sex very young these days - fourteen is not at all unheard of. If she really has only just lost her virginity, then I think she's done extremely well. It is also, of course, entirely possibly that she has been having sex for some time but obviously you cannot be certain because when you tried to talk to her about it last time "she went mental" and in any case "she doesn't tell me anything".

1. Teenagers, in my opinion, will do what they are going to do - regardless of whether their Mums know or approve. This means that if she wants to have sex, she's going to have sex. The only variable is whether she can tell you that she's having sex.

1. If we suppose that she IS having sex, then of course you would you rather she was protected against potential pregnancy and STIs by using condoms and to also be on the pill to provide another level of protection against pregnancy, in which case you are going to need to talk to her to make sure that he/she has condoms, to give her some extra emergency condoms so that she never has to be without/ take a risk and to go with her to the GP/ Family Planning Clinic to get the pill, if she hasn't already sorted this out for herself.

So that's where we are.

I'm sorry that "she doesn't tell me anything" but I think that you have flagged up a couple of clues as to why she perhaps feels that she can't...

In your words:

"she's still in Year 13 and my baby"
"it just makes me sick to think of someone doing these things with her"
"I know me, and I'm probably going to fly off the handle and some point"
"she's my baby and still living in my house "
"Won't it be like I'm condoning it if I buy her condoms? "
"I didn't have sex til very late and it was with DH"
"She has pretty much jumped into a relationship and into bed with this boy!"

Darla...

She's not a baby, she's an eighteen year old young woman and she is a sexual being. I don't know if you had any sexual feelings before you got it together with your DH but (reading through your words above) I'm guessing you have - by osmosis - given her a clear message that it it not ok for her to be sexual or to have sexual feelings or to have sex.

As I said, teenagers do what they are going to do REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THEIR MUMS KNOW OR APPROVE (see ShatnersBassoon's post) I think what has happened here is that your daughter has just had to keep this side of her life secret from you because it has been clear to her that you will "fly off the handle" and judge her for jumping "into bed with this boy!"

It's a shame that she has got to this age and that it is the case that "she doesn't tell me anything" but I think, if I were you, I would try to change that, starting right now.

This is what I would do if I were in your shoes:

Pick your moment (always important) then speak to her...

Tell her that you love her.
Tell her that you acknowledge that she is an adult and free to make her own choices.
Tell her that you had a very sheltered start in life and that your life, at eighteen, was very different to hers.
Tell her that you want to support her, whatever she decides to do in life. Promise her - and yourself (and us!) that you will NOT "fly off the handle".
Tell her that you regret that, up until now, you have not created an environment where she felt able to open up to you about what's going on with her.
Tell her that you want to try harder to hear how things are for her and not to judge or over-react.
Tell her that it's difficult for you, because you're making this up as you go along and it's all new for you too but that you want to try harder to be approachable and that she can depend on you ALWAYS to love her and support her and that, from now on, she can trust you with the truth.

Good luck?

I find it a bit odd you cant "bear the idea of someone doing this to her". Sex is a natural enjoyable thing, not something awful to be ashamed of.
I know its different when its your child but your attitude to sex seems a bit strange to me.
Buying condoms isnt exactly condoning either and well shes an adult wouldnt you rather she was happy and had a sex life like everyone else than remained celibate all her life ? Buying condoms is more like saying i know but its not an issue. Anyway to be honest im only 23 and id have DIED if my mum had bought me condoms. So she may not want them from you , but maybe its worth asking ?
Sex in my home was never discussed. Ever. Quite sad really. I think my mum felt the same way as you about it really.
And for what its worth , when i was your daughters age i was shagging half my college. I did not get pregnant or contract any diseases and always practiced safe sex. And i had a great time . There really isnt anything wrong with your DD having sex but i think she may have picked up on your attitude to it and thats why she doesnt want to discuss it as she feels you would dissaprove.

DD2 informed me yesterday that all her friends had done it. She's not yet 14 either
Turn a blind eye, she's obviously not comfortable talking to you about it, and if you're going to get angry/fly off the handle then it's probably best to keep schtum.

Also watertight gives very good advice and is more consice than me !

If she's still at school, and presumably studying for exams, I'd set a reasonable curfew on a school night. But as for the sex issue, she's 18, it's actually pretty late.

If she was younger, I'd be suggesting conversations about safe sex and so on, but at this point that's probably going to be awkward. Chances are she's being sensible, unless you have reason to think otherwise. And if she's not, you talking to her probably won't help!

I had a similar experience to Shatner when I was 19. I'd been with my boyfriend for ages (and my parents knew and liked him) and they found out that we'd been having sex. I was away at university, and bf and I split up. Mum asked a few questions, including if I'd been to stay with him at his university and if we'd had sex. When I told her yes and yes (but didn't mention that we'd been having sex for several months) she went ballistic. My dad refused to speak to me for over a fortnight - why? Because I was his little girl and he couldn't bear to think of anyone doing that kind of thing to me. The fact that I was heartbroken that my first love had dumped me went unnoticed. That did a lot of damange to my relationship with my parents - it took one of Mum's friends to point out that it was normal, that I was an adult, and that she (the friend) was "quite sure that Evil thought she was in love" to bring my mother round. It still grates though, looking back, and has made me realise that I must handle this issue, when it arises, very differently with my own DDs.

Sex is something that teenagers do. I was talking about it with my Yr 10 Performing Arts class this week (sound dodgy - they're putting together a performance for Yr 9 PSHE and safe sex is one of the issues they're considering including) and they seem to think that quite a lot of Yr 9s are already having sex. That shocked me [naive emoticon].

My friend's son is 16 and has been having sex with his long term GF since they were both nearly 15. She knew they would do it regardless of what she said or did and she went with them to the GUM glinic, they both received all the information on STDs/pregnancy/contraception and left with a free bag of condoms. Everybody was much more relaxed, the couple are still together and very happy, and also very well informed.

My parents (married 43 years) are banned from having sex by me, I am banned from having sex with my DP of nearly 10 years by them, my sis (not married) had a baby given to her by a stork. I have banned DP's son (14)from having sex EVER.

Fortunately for me and sis, my parents did have sex twice. Fortunately for me and DP, my parents don't have a camera in our bedroom. Fortunately for sis, my parents love her and their grandson and her ex/now and again man. Fortunately for DP's son, DP is not as much of a scaredy cat morally upstanding person as me and is able to talk to him openly and frankly about how he has to be really, really, really careful both of the girl's/his feelings and of the risks of pregancies and STIs

I think the that the saddest part of your post OP is

It makes me think that either you have major hangups about sex yourself, or a not great relationship with your own parents on this subject (or you were brought up in a RC school!)

Your DD is a WOMAN. Old enough to marry, vote, drive, drink, fight for her country should she so desire. And women have equally valid and strong sexual desires to men. I'm guessing her boyfriend isn't clubbing her over the head and dragging her off to his cave by her hair..in which case she is having consensual sex in an adult relationship. The fact she is in 6th form is neither here nor there!

I don't think you have many options here, if you have made sex a not talked about, frowned upon subject.. she is unlikely to open up to you.

I have two teen girls.. now 19 and 17 ( and an 18 yr old son) and with all of them I talked to them YEARS earlier about sex and loving.. and that I hoped they would wait til 16 but most of all I hoped when they decided to have sex it would be because they wanted to because they were in love!

Fast forward a few years and both girls asked me if they should go on the pill.. the younger one is in her first sexual relationship and is in love. She is happy she is enjoying her relationship..and I think it's great. I would ve very sad if any of my children were working their way through the local rugby club but in a relationship.. well sex is a natural and fun thing!

Please try to relax..and whatever you do don't go flying off the handle..because she needs to know she can trust you ...

Hear, hear Medusa Great post.

My seventeen year old is in her first sexual relationship too (been with her BF18 for five months). They absolutely adore each other, he is so kind and considerate of her and says such lovely romantic things to her (she tells me little things and shows me the odd gorgeous text). Far from feeling sick about them having sex, I am pleased for her that she is feels cherished and is enjoying discovering her sexual self with him.

Bottom line is, I enjoy sex very much (24 years with DH) and think it's important and healthy and normal. I don't want to give either of my girls the impression that sex is anything other than this because I want them to feel confident and secure in themselves and to have wonderful sex and gorgeous orgasms all the way through their lives.

Where are you with all of this Darla?

I hope you're not upset - we've all been really quite firm...

Let us know how you're getting on...