please help - friend's dd out of control advice?

[mumonahottinroof]

My poor friend is at the end of her tether, just had a tearful lunch with her. Briefly - her dd is just 16, smoking dope, staying out all night, stealing, has been excluded from school for drug dealing. She keeps threatening to leave home and friend is wondering if she should just let her go.

If she leaves, at 16, can she claim benefits and have her own place? Does she need to be fostered? Or is her mum responsible for her? Would a sort of teenage bootcamp be the answer (wild guess on my part). My dcs are much younger so I don't have experience of this (and v much doubt I could help even if I did) but my heart is going out to her.

Thank you.

If she wants to her to leave but the dd refuses then she will have to kick her out.

SS have a obligation to house under 18's so it's likely she will be housed in a hostel.

Unsure of benefits tbh but I'm sure it would be a paltry amount at 16.

Ultimately your friend has the parental responsibility up until her daughter hits 18.

I would let her go tbh (I know that sounds harsh)

I'm inclined to agree thingumy but she's not my dd, sure it's easier said than done!

How can she kick her out if she has parental responsibility? Wouldn't ss just come round and tell her she has to take her dd back?

If her dd was unbearable to live with and the op's friend had other children to consider I don't think ss would demand that the teen remains in the family home by all accounts it sounds like she's threatening to walk out.

If she is violent or makes verbal threats your friend is within her rights to call the police.I'd be making calls if I thought she was bringing drugs into my house.

Rather than threatening to throw her out I think the parents should be trying to talk to her/get counselling/pretty much anything.

How the hell is making her homeless going to solve the problem?

I think your friend perhaps has to develop a completely different relationship with her daughter. Clearly saying "don't stay out all night" and "don't deal drugs" is not, has not, and will not work.

Perhaps it's time to treat her completely differently, not as someone you try to control, but as you would if a dear and old friend suddenly went 'off the rails' and you were worried. Keeping in touch, sending nice texts, arranging things like coffee together, phoning just to check she's ok.........you can do all that while still making clear you don't like the choices she's making for her life just now.

I think in situations like these the ONLY way out is to build a relationship again, because the old one has clearly broken down. I'm sure it's counter-intuitive because as a parent you want this risky (and illegal) behaviour to just stop.

However if it was that easy it would have happened already so surely a complete change of relationship is worth a try. Obviously the long term plan would be to use that new relationship to encourage her to make different choices.

I think it depends on how far the drug situation has gone.

Would you like drugs in your home or a drugged teenager?

Tell your friend to speak to SS about the drug aspect and housing.

Sometimes,parents get to the end of their tether too,they are humans and also need help.

I've said before but if it was a dh/dp with a drug/abusive tendency and you got to the end of your tether with it-you'd be offered a safe haven.

Why do we have to put up with abusive children and have no safe space?

we had SS around last week and they asked if dd wanted to go into foster care.

She said no.

hmm.

What did we get told...

'you are doing all you can,we agree with your stances,sorry we can't offer help'

DD now has a camhs appointment and I will be marking down my parental reference sheet with lots of marks

Lets hope we get somewhere.

Thank you so much, it's weirdly reassuring to know others are going/have been through similar. I wish you all the very best. I think your advice, esp about treating her dd as a friend who's gone of the rails is excellent. Will pass it all on. I am not at all judgemental here, just think there by the grace of God ...

BTW if her dd does run off, can my friend do anything? Can police help look for her or as she's 16 will they not intervene? Friend already trying to look ahead and cope with the worst possible scenarios in advance.

Police will make some efforts to look for her if reported as a missing person, yes.

Hopefully if her friend manages to shift her relationship with her daughter, the dd will realise she has nothing to run off from. If your friend 'stops the fight' the dd is disempowered because one person can't fight without an opponent.

Has the dd had a disrupted life in some way? Most of the families I've met over the years with these issues have had events which have left the children feeling angry and that no one has really connected with them and their feelings. Rightly or wrongly! I guess the point of trying to change the mother/daughter dynamic is to get to a point where the family could have some assistance to go over issues perhaps with counselling.

Maryz-Is sleeping ALOT one sign of dope smoking?

DD is getting out of her pit mid afternoon,going out and then comes home,eats and is asleep within 15 mins of being back home (often in her clothes).

I have alarm bells ringing.....

Thanks for the tips