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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD has a boyfriend - this is all new to me, need your help!

51 replies

Sylvana · 14/05/2011 20:57

She's 16 and this is her first boyfriend. She has no experience of boys and has led a fairly sheltered life up to now. She asked 3 days ago would it be o.k. He is 17 and she said he is really nice. We don't know anything else about him ... I'm trying to get as much information as I can without bugging her too much. DD is our eldest and we haven't been through this before and while I trust her, can we trust a boy we don't know ? She is seeing him tomorrow. I know I'm being silly but I'm a tiny bit anxious. Please tell me what to do cause I haven't got a clue

OP posts:

Hullygully · 15/05/2011 18:49

My dd is 12 and will be having an arranged marriage at 34. Fact.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2011 18:56

my dd is going on a school holiday this summer, to Europe

I am shitting myself, particularly since I remember all the shenanigans when I did it at that age

< gibber >

heartsnflowers · 15/05/2011 18:56

Good post Watertight-hope she`s on the pill as well,condoms not 100% reliable

Hullygully · 15/05/2011 18:57

You need to go too AF and spy from behind a tree. It's only fair and reasonable.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2011 19:01

I have planned it, hully

I will fly there (they go by coach) so I can secrete myself in the sleeping quarters and get several locals on the pay roll to be positioned in the surrounding woods, riverbank, pub etc and distributed liberally thoughout the grounds of the hostel

I have bought my high-powered binocs and covert listening devices

am pretty sorted, so far

Hullygully · 15/05/2011 19:04

Quite right too.

My dd has a trip coming up, I am going to implant her luggage with hidden cameras and pay her teachers to lock her in at night.

Original poster

Sylvana · 15/05/2011 20:25

I'm glad I put up this thread, lots of great advice. DD met the boyfriend in town today (a 40 min bus ride away). She is not familiar with travelling on her own into town, so DH went with her and met the lad.

He said he seems very nice, chatty, well spoken with nice manners. I thought it was a good idea because its broken the ice and now he only has to meet me! I told DD he is welcome here anytime and I will invite him over for Sunday lunch soon. I agree with your advice to make them welcome and comfortable in our home Watertight

OP posts:

Original poster

Sylvana · 15/05/2011 20:26

Oh and thanks again everyone :)

OP posts:

Watertight · 15/05/2011 20:52

Excellent, Freaklikeme ! I know it's all new and (CLEARLY!) we all worry, but all of this is normal. In fact, it's the oldest, oldest story... I'd be more worried if my DDs were lonely, isolated and friendless. To have a twinkle in your eye and a song in your heart at 16/17/whatever because some lovely boy is completely smitten by your emerging womanly charms is, I'm sure, an ancient pleasure. Keep us posted.

heartsnflowers: Yes, my DD is on the pill too but this is a safety-net level of protection against pregnancy only. She and I agree that condoms are the Plan A protection against the potential risk of STIs as well as preg.

Hully and AnyFucker I'm coming too - I love a school trip... When do I need to have my night-vision goggles and sandwiches packed by?

AnyFucker · 15/05/2011 21:11

WT, your input will be much appreciated

I will be dressed in my teenager costume to avoid detection...Toms plimsolls, high waisted denim shorts, Hollister sweatshirt

what shall I do about the 45yo body ?

gah

Watertight · 16/05/2011 14:09

Then I too shall come in costume AnyFucker.

Pretty little Jack Wills floral skirt, skimpy Hollister vest top and then ruin the whole look with a hideous pair of white framed fake Ray-Bans from Primark and ridiculously over back-combed hair with the parting a mere inch above my left ear.

Kewl, non?

Watertight · 16/05/2011 14:14

alemci

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious. I can completely see that it must feel quite intense that your families' lives are intertwined together through the church and that you can see in advance how awkward things will be if/when they break up.

However, the kids know that you've spent £1000 on a ticket for your DD to go on holiday with his family - I'm sure that this, if nothing else, will ensure that they keep the wheels on until later on this summer at least. I'm sure they wouldn't dare break up before it because they must know what sort of fuss and fall-out it would trigger.

I really do sympathise though.. I honestly could let myself stress out quite badly about the possibility of BF18 finishing with my DD but I'm trying to detach as best I can from worrying about what might happen (not easy for a control freak) and live in the moment. Here and today, things are good and she is happy. One day, I'm quite sure, she'll be sobbing all over me and wailing with a broken heart (and if not because of a break up with this BF then the next, or the next) and I shall have to pick up the pieces. I just think that since things are going swimmingly at the moment, we may as well enjoy it while it lasts.

Does this make sense? Could it help to try to let go of the possibilities of the future a little and live in the moment, alemci? Wish you well...

alemci · 16/05/2011 17:12

thanks Watertight, your kind words are appreciated. It is difficult and I think you are right. There are other issues with my DD as well i.e. not contributing to housework not that I want her to do anything much. being difficult and general ingratitude.

I try to do my own thing as much as I can and keep busy but TBH it does cause me heartache. don't really know why but it may be an age thing. i.e. 43 and not a bad marriage but not particularly exciting and not being able to see any sort of future.

Also seem to be more emotional when I hit 40 and my kids became teenagers. They don't need you in the same way and I find it hurtful because I do alot for them. Also I long for them to be more open but they are not.

I know my dd's will be better when they are older.

Bonsoir · 16/05/2011 17:14

My DD is 6.6 and has already told me, DP and my mother (!) all about her first kiss.

BitOfFun · 16/05/2011 17:16

That's lovely, Bonsoir. Not quite the same thing though.

circular · 17/05/2011 07:42

Really interesting thread, although DD1 (13,young yr 9) is only at the stage of hoping a paricular boy will "ask her out". Should start a thread on teenage crushes lol.

AF - re the Europe trip. DD1 had a 4 day French trip in yr8. What really surprised me was that there was no mention in any of the literature about boys and girls not being allowed in each others rooms. Especially as there was in the yr6 PGL trip from Junior school! Maybe they just didn't want to put ideas inro their heads.

Sounded like a great trip though. Really full schedule, late nights with quizzes and games to whack them out, 4 to 6 in a room, so no chance to get up to much. I did casually mention to DD not to go any where near the boys rooms and vice-versa. Put more emphasis on her being found in the wrong place at the wrong time and getting sent home for it. Needn't have worried, she is the least geeky if a very geeky group who were more interested in how much chocolate they could smuggle back.

Try not to worry, Im sure your DC will be fine.

larry5 · 18/05/2011 11:33

Dd is now 18 - nearly 19 and away at uni. She started going out with her bf at the beginning of yr13 and made it very clear to him from the start that she would be going off to uni as she is very determined to become a teacher.

He goes to visit her every 2 or 3 weeks so I know that they have an active sex life but she insists on the pill/condom use as she is determined to complete all her studies. Dd has always talked to me about everything - sometimes things I would rather not know - but I have to trust her to be sensible.

Mind you I have threatened the bf with murder if he decides to break up with her when she has exams due although I think that she might outgrow him as she is now living a very different life as he is not intending to to go on to higher education.

Watertight · 18/05/2011 20:27

They have done well to stay together, larry5 - it's been two and a bit terms already.

When I went to university, there were several people who had a boyfriend or girlfriend at home (or at another uni) but these relationships invariably fizzled out within the first term.

Although, to be fair, I guess, it's never been easier to keep a relationship going, with texts/ emails/ facebook/ Skype/ Facetime etc etc etc.

I can completely relate to how you feel about the potential for a break-up in exam season though. I know of two lovely girls whose boyfriends finished with them one week before exams - GCSEs in one case and AS levels on another. You really, really would want to throttle the other party.

figroll · 18/05/2011 20:36

Oh I think it is so sweet. My dd2 has a new boyfriend and she seems sooooo happy at the moment how could I disapprove! She has lost all the teenage sullenness and seems very cheerful despite being in the middle of her GCSEs. I can't say I worry about her becoming pregnant as she has told me, she hates children and never wants one! I just feel that it's totally normal to have a bf, and they will kiss and grope and do all the other things that normal teenagers do. There has to be some trust in my opinion. I just dread the breaking up! I had a bf when I was 14 and it hasn't had a detrimental effect on me!

cardibach · 18/05/2011 20:39

My daughter is 15 and has been going out with BF for over a year. THey hang out here a lot, also at his house. I'm with BitOfFun about being open to talk and them knowing you won't go off on one if they want to talk about sex they will have/are having.

I hope she'll wait until she is at least legal (obviously, 34 would be a good age, whoever suggested that) but in reality he is a (reasonably) nice boy and it is a steady relationship.
I'm realising more and more that I can do nothing much about it now, but that I've already done it. All those battles about eating, sleeping, playing out, letting me know what is going on etc etc will (hopefully) now pay off as they have (again, hopefully) made her a strong individual with a good self image and moral code (not wanting to sound poncey) who can make good decisions. Why does nobody tell you this when you wrestle with the naughty step for some little infringement at 3?
I hope she knows I am unshockable and will support/help her in any situation. Next dilemma: age BFs allowed to stay over... (NB she has not asked )

franke · 18/05/2011 20:44

"To have a twinkle in your eye and a song in your heart at 16/17/whatever because some lovely boy is completely smitten by your emerging womanly charms is, I'm sure, an ancient pleasure."

I love your posts on this thread Watertight. I hope I can be like this with dd when the time comes. Not sure I will manage it and as for dh.....

Watertight · 19/05/2011 15:14

Thanks franke

You'll be fine when your time comes... You'll think back to how you felt in your teenage years and think "Now what did I REALLY need from my Mum when I was this age?"

Best wishes to you.

frantic51 · 19/05/2011 15:28

Watertight, what wonderful posts. Just relax and go with the flow OP however hard it is and however much you worry, don't let it show. Invite him round but don't push the matter. I've found that the more I wax lyrical about partners the less inclined my DCs are to get "too involved"! :D

BlooCowWonders · 20/05/2011 09:08

my dd is only 10 but I already have pangs when I see her growing up...

Threads like these are so reassuring, but make it all so much more real!

kag1 · 08/06/2011 16:28

My DD is 16 and has been with her 19 year old (1st proper) boyfriend with a car for 3 months now. He is a lovely boy seems very sensible doesn't take her to pubs and clubs. The problem is he has finished college and only has a part time job she is just about to start the second year of A levels. He is always either here or taking her back to his house. She is oblivious to college work, chores and her family I am worried she is throwing her life away. She has plans for uni and driving lessons but they have taken second place to him as we all have. I have tried talking to her but all she hears is a nagging mother. Do I leave them to it and hope it peters out or put my foot down now?

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