Any advice for a worried mum of a 14 year old DD?

[JannerBird]

I am really worried about my 14 year old DD. She is having a really hard time at school at the moment and is becoming more and more isolated from her peers. She has always been socially 'awkward' and doesn't make friends easily which I think stems, at least partly, from hearing problems all the way through primary school.

From what she has said and what I have seen on her facebook page everybody has completely turned on her calling her a bitch, telling her to 'go away', shoving and pushing her around etc and just being downright nasty. This isn't the first time this has happened.

DD says she does not know why this is (although I suspect she does but is reluctant to tell me).

As well as this, I am concerned about her behaviour around boys and sex. About 4 weeks ago we found out that she had been using the webcam on her computer to send intimate photos of herself to both boys she knows and also to people she didn't know. We reported this to CEOP (although have not heard back from them) and spoken at length to DD about how this behaviour is not acceptable. All of this was done whilst using her laptop downstairs as she is not allowed to take it upstairs, we think she was using her phone to take the photos. We have thrown away the webcam, changed email addresses and facebook/MSN accounts etc and now limit computer time.

It is clear to me that this sexualised behaviour is an attempt to boast her self-esteem and feel wanted and included.

We are a stable, loving family and my DH has been fully involved and supportive. We tell her she is beautiful and that we love her loads (because she is and we do). She has always struggled to show emotion and love herself though.

My DD14 has friends outside of school mainly associated with her swimming club - which she loves. She is doing her DofE bronze and is looking to get work experience at a vet's surgery as this is her dream job.

I don't want to ramble on and make this post too long. I would really appreciate any advice. Particularly on whether or not moving schools would be a good idea (she is currently in Yr9).

I also feel I have reached the end of my skills and knowledge in terms of helping her to cope. Any ideas would be welcome. Thanks.

This sounds awful.

Before thinking about moving her, how long has she been having a hard time at school ? Is it recent, or long term ?

Also, what are your other local schooling options ? She will already have done her GCSE options and so on, so you will need to find somewhere that will fit her academic choices for next year. Does she like the other parts of school (the teaching, the academic work, the teachers ?)

i have no experience of the "sexting" - but it is clear that she is trying to promote her self esteem in some way, and also that this is just not the right way to do it. How did she respond to being caught, and discussing it ?

londoner2 She has never had an easy time at school, but things have recently become nasty (or perhaps DD is only just 'opening' up to me about it?)

Other schooling options aren't great. An all girls roman catholic school or another college which doesn't have a particularly good reputation. Acaemically she is doing very well at the school, she is in top sets and is happy with her option choices. We have spoken to DD about moving schools and she feels that, for the moment at least, she wants to stay where she is. She said that it would probably be just as bad at a new school. :(

Her response when we caught her was at first very defiant (sp?) However, once her laptop was handed over, she seemed resigned to course of action we took. We talked at length to her, both about how dangerous it is to do this with strangers and how it is not how you get boys to respect you. We acknowledged that at 14 she was becoming more sexually aware but that any experimentation should be done within a respectful relationship whereby you also did other things like go to the cinema and hang out.

I can see that his behaviour is a symptom of all the other stuff and think that she probably acts in that way in 'real life'. Constantly asking boys out.

I am concerned and feel completely out of my depth. The pain in my stomach when I kiss her goodbye in the morning and she looks at me and I look at her and we both know she is going to have a shit day is awful.

As a fellow mother to a 14 year old DD I feel your pain.

I have no advice really, just sympathy. Your last sentence really struck a cord with me, upset me in fact.

You sound really together as a family, and together I'm sure you will get through this difficult time.

Some FE colleges will take children as young as 14 for GCSEs. Is there a college near you that would do this? If her friends are mainly out of school, and she is doing well academically, could this be an option?

Thanks for your messages. Guildenstern I will check that out thanks.

I just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely mum. I know it won't help but assure her that teenage years are short and loads of people who had a not so great time are very happy and successful adults. I knew a teacher who taught in a v tough school and there were kids who used to sit in the library at breaks because they had few friends and found school intimidating. She wanted to go to them with a hug and say 'you'll be the successful ones with fun at university ahead of you'.

It's hard, the sexual behavior (the way she was going about it) should be discouraged, can you get her a bit busier for a while? Whilst keeping a very close eye?

Any namecalling or meanness should be stopped though even if you have to contact the school.

Good luck it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

bump

I was bullied from Year 7 to Year 11, but it did get worse for Year 8 and 9. I did consider moving in Year 9 but I had seen how hard it was for new people to fit in at my school, and also the girls who bullied me had a large group of friends at the other schools, so I didn't really see the point in moving only to end up being just as badly bullied somewhere else. I can even sympathise with the webcam thing - although I didn't do anything like that, I did look to boys for attention/self-esteem.

As a parent there's not really much you can do, sadly. Often when parents get involved it just makes things worse for the victim as then the bullies taunt them about needing their mum to fight their battles etc. Any decisions about moving school, or taking further action, need to come from your daughter rather than you.

Personally I just kept my head down and tried to get on with things. I knew what career I wanted and that I needed good grades for university etc. so I just focussed on that. The work experience sounds like it'll be really positive. And it's good that she has friends outside school.

I really feel for your poor daughter having to go through this. I left that school after my GCSE's in 2007 but I can still remember perfectly the isolated feelings. I hope things improve for her soon, and she's lucky to have a mum like you who cares :)

Hi JannerBird

You really do sound like a lovely Mum. This must be heart-breaking for you.

My gut instinct says that she could do with some psychotherapy with the very best and most experienced child psychotherapist you can possibly find. Google UCKP (United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapists) and start looking from there. Since she's at a tender age and there's been a sexualised element to her acting out, a female psychotherapist could be a good choice.

She says she wants to stay at the current school even though things are awful because she imagines that things would be the same in any other school. Poor little thing. I think that she deserves some emotional support during this difficult time and some gentle professional insight into why she has made the choices she has made and to see and understand the consequences of them.

I wish you both well - I'm no expert but this is definitely what I would do if I were in your position.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

Is her school mixed ? Are the photos and videos for boys at her school ? Does she have friends who are boys ?

Reading this, it sounds like she has no friends who are girls, as they are bullying her. Does she actually have no friends ?

Is her school big enough that she can move groups of friends ? That she can perhaps change her activities so that she meets other people ? Can she be steered away from the bullies ? Can the school help with this ?

I think the psychotherapy idea is a good one. I also think I would consider moving her. It is difficult if all her academic choices are in place, but it is very undermining to be so unhappy, and somehow if you add in the sexual behaviour, which presumably her peers know about, it is going to be hard to right the situation.

Having said that, it is good that she has been able to maintain her place in all the top groups whilst she is unhappy - it clearly isn't getting in the way of her work which is impressive.

Having said that, whatever you do, she needs a lot of support right now. It is a difficult time to move, and she may well fear that it will be exactly the same somewhere else.

How is it going JannerBird

Hi JannerBird, My DD had a similar time yrd 7 - 9 (she's yr 10 now). It was all over the colour of her hair (ginger!) and the fact that she can be quite outspoken (but in a good way - she has always been the one who would stand up for her friends). Just after the end of Year 9, the bitching and nastiness got so bad that I was on the verge of reporting the abuse to the police (school had broken up and something happened in the last couple of days). The FB postings and texts that she received were so hurtful and for the first week of the holidays, she felt totally isolated. I made my own feelings know on FB and the postings were removed! I also e-mailed one of the girls who I suspected still wanted to be friends with her, but who was too weak herself to stand up to the perportrators (sp!). I e-mailed her in confidence (without my DD knowing) and explained how sad my DD was and how she needed the support of her friends. To make sure the e-mail couldn't be mis-contrued in any way, I also suggested that this friend speak to her own mum if she was unsure what to do and show her my e-mail. I was careful to lay blame at no-ones door, but to suggest that 14 year old girls can get easily swayed by others! The friend then came round to our house, and they made up...then others came forward as well. The girl who had been the worst offender never apologised and my DD has nothing much to do with her now! She also has nothing at all to do with the boys. In Year 10, it has been a totally different ball game. Not only do her option choices mean that she is now removed from a lot of the nasty kids, they did seem to grow up a bit over the holidays and it stopped. What I can say from my DD's experience is that the bullying and bitching has made her a much stronger person. (She's down at the moment having been dumped by her first serious boyfriend, but I'm sure she will pull through). Whilst it may appear that everyone dislikes her, I am sure this isn't true. Sometimes, these kids are just too weak (or scared of being ostracised themselves) to actually follow what they believe, so they just run with the crowd.

Good luck.

I would say the sexual behaviour has somehow alienated the other children, the constant asking boys out. There may be some jealousy thing going on with the other girls.

Your DD is old enough to understand some rudimentary aspects of cause and effect though, and even the most self absorbed and 'they're all against me/ they hate me cos I'm beautiful' teen has some idea that her actions will have consequences and will modify her behaviour at least in order to try to fit in.

Is your DD a bit impulsive? Or unable to read social cues to some degree? Does she feel too competitive when it comes to the other girls and is this why she is engaging gin the OTT sexual behaviour? Does she understand the concept of boundaries, both her own boundaries and those of others?

I suspect there is social ineptness at play here, plus the tendency of girls in a school to police each others' sexual behaviour.

Thank you for your replies.

Things have improved a little. DD is now coming home from school and sharing the ups and downs of the day with me (something she never did before). The secretive behaviour has stopped.

The school seem to be, finally, taking our concerns seriously and her tutor, together with a pastoral tutor are liaising with DD and making a formal report of everything that has been happening.

watertight Thank you - I will take your advice and try and find a psychotherapist. We are lucky enough to be able to afford to pay privately and as I have previously said my DH and I feel that DD needs to talk to someone else other than us.

workingmother2 During further conversations it seems as if she does have some friends at school and has been advised by her tutor to seek these out at lunchtimes etc. orangesmarties I do think that there seems to be a similiar thing going on with my DD - classic 'Queen Bee' behaviour by one or two girls and others too afraid to intervene in case they become the next target.

mathanxiety I think the sexualised behaviour may have alienated other girls. However, my DD falls into the socially inept category, she has very low self-esteem - she doesn't think she is beautiful and doesn't act in a 'look at me' way. You are probably spot on saying that the other girls are policing her in some way - I had not thought of it in this way before.

I think the school should investigate whether someone else instigated the webcam business -- she may be a victim of some unscrupulous boy or even a horrible girl seeking to trap her and expose her who encouraged her to do this. A child who has weak boundaries and is unpopular or feels she needs to compete and up the ante is a sitting duck for a predator.

It is also likely that her exploits on the webcam have been broadcast or that rumours of her behaviour have been spread about.

The school needs to get to the bottom of this aspect of things and make sure it is not what has happened here.

I also wonder how sensible it is to keep on telling someone who is insecure about her appearance that she is beautiful/looks lovely, etc. It's kind and it's well-intentioned and reassuring, but I think it has the effect of feeding the insecurity rather than addressing basic self-confidence issues that underlpin it.

I had basically the same situation, and I acted in exactly the same way as your DD JannerBird at the same age, and I really feel for her.
I don't really have any advice, other than to remind her that year 9 is undoubtedly the worst year, especially for girls. Without wanting to sound ridiculous, it's a very difficult age and it highlights the worst in some people. What you and she need to remember is that it is likely to get much better in year 10. My school divided year groups in 2 for lessons until GCSEs when we mixed with the whole year and my social groups widened. Suddenly everything got easier. I'm 18 now, just about to leave high school, having been here for 7 years. It does get easier :D

The webcam stuff though, it can be just as much about developing sexuality. I know I used to do similar things. :S although, I operated a strict policy of seeing someone's face before I would go on cam, or neither of us turned it on. Eventually, I got some self respect and discovered more anonymous and safe ways of "self exploration." However, whether things would have been different if my mum knew I don't know!

Hope that helps in some way, sorry for waffling if not!