funerals

[stickydate65]

Hi I have a problem that I need some advice on! My 12 year old daughter is begging me to let her go to the funeral of a teaching assistant from her primary school. She was very fond of her at school which was a small village school and all the staff knew all the kids really well and vice versa, but she has had minimal contact with her since leaving there last summer. This TA died unexpectedly very young (56) and lived in our village. The Primary School is closing for the day and many of the older children are going to the funeral with their parents. My daughter has obviously been talking about it with her friends and she has decided she wants to go with me. This would mean her taking a day off school. I was always planning to go myself. My gut instinct is that she is too young and I know the funeral is going to be very upsetting but I am wavering under her pleas. Do I stick with my gut instinct or give in? I am sure part of her reasoning for going is curiosity and that everyone else is! Any advice would be much appreciated.
I posted this in behaviour/develpoment first probably more approprite here!

Depends on how you view her emotional maturity and her true reason why she wants to go.

Some kids do at that age seem to be drawn to grief in all its guises some really are adult enough to feel that they need to go for closure and to pay their respects.

Maybe just say to her that it will be very very sad and their will be lots of tears and it will be very draining - at 12 if she is prepared for that it won;t scar her for the rest of her life.

This is my dilemma I am not sure she is mature enough and that her reasons for wanting to go are the right ones, but on the other hand all the 'experts' say these days that children of that age aren't too young and you shouldn't hide things like death and grief. I guess I am just a little old fashioned in my approach and I feel some things just arent child appropriate!

My daughter, who is 9 now, came to my father, her grandads, funeral and burial last year. Slightly different, being close family, but it definitely helped with her seeing the whole grieving process. It was her choice to do so.
She also came to a funeral of a close family friend when she was 7 but that time she did not attend the actual burial, as I felt she wasn't able to understand.
I'm sure many will disagree but I think it depends entirely on the child.
With my father, we had cared for him at home until he died and she saw the whole process of him becoming weaker and dying and did see him after he passed away. She curled up with him on his bed and stroked his hair for a while. It really helped her see that death wasn't frightening and she said it just looked as if he'd gone to sleep.
I think, at 12, children have a natural curiosity about death (I also have 2 older children) and while you may think her reasons for wanting to attend may not be the right ones- I'm sure it is just that curiosity (a bit like wanting to look at a car crash? But not in a disrespectful way)
I would certainly let mine go. It may well be quite a joyful occasion- but it doesn't do any harm for them to see that people are upset and that it's ok to show emotion.

When my friend died a number of her daughters' friends came to her funeral to support each other and because they knew her. They were 12 and 14. Whilst a few seemed to be secretly rather enjoying the drama and the tears I think for most it was a very positive experience.

I was at a funeral yesterday where there were school children (not related to the deceased) it would only mean an hour/two hours out of school. ( leave at break, back by lunch.) as she is 12 I assume in Y7 therefore only a year out of being at the primary school.

I would let her go. IMO it is better for a child's first experience of a funeral to be someone who they knew well but weren't very close to emotionally before having to go through it for someone they are very attached to.

I'm with those who say let her go, because it's good to go to a funeral of someone you're not close to before you have to go to one for someone very close. It's natural to be curious and children and young people often have their own thoughts and reasons for wanting to do something. Also, stopping her from going because you think she may not cope makes it into a huge issue that it may not be for her.

I was not allowed to go to my younger brother's funeral when I was 8 or 9, and was kindly invited to a remote friend's wedding on the day. After that I was terribly fearful about death and funerals - after all, if it was something that I had to be protected from it must be awful. The first time I had to go to one as an adult I was terrified. In actually fact funerals can be, in a weird way, nice - people express their love for the deceased, and show their care for each other as they grieve together. My first experience was reassuring and comforting and I wished I'd been able to go to one sooner.

Thanks for all your advice. Unfortunately because of where we live and where the school and crem are it probably will mean a whole day off school but I guess that won't hurt. Busybodd I like your point about funerals being something to be feared if you're not allowed to go. I hadn't thought about it like that. I thought we were quite open about death and illness as it is something we have had big discussions about as her grandfather has been very ill. I thought seeing people so upset would have the opposite effect and make her fear death more. It's funny how blinkered you can become! Still haven't quite decided but we don't have to make a decision until after the weekend. Thanks again!

In my experience (I work in palliative care) children are often much more aware of illness and death than we give them credit for. I think if she wants to go to the funeral then she should go. It does often give them closure too and will no doubt be a fitting end to the life of someone who has had a big impact on the lives of the children attending.

definitely let her go! I had to take all my DC to my father's funeral when they were between 2 and 8 and I was a bit worried. They had never met my father so it was also more seeing other people upset that was the point. I actually took them to a funeral director beforehand so they could see a coffin etc. there is also good books about death for kids. death is part of life and it is much worse if the next funeral she might wish to go to is the one of a friend who commited suicide (as in my DD1's case). the unknown is always so much worse, anyway!