dd lesbian "manual"

[magpie2]

I have found a "lesbian instruction manual" in my 10yo DD's room. It was written in her handwriting, very graphic step by step instructions for lesbian sex, in a small notebook. What do I do? As far as I know she is not lesbian, she has a crush on a boy in her class.

I am shocked, because I thought she was one of the more innocent, naive girls, I didn't think she would even want to google or youtube lesbian sex. We have had open clear discussions about sex, but not any detailed discussions about gay sex. I am worried she has read this somewhere online even though we have child filters on her computer. Or is it from one of her friends, whom I thought was just as innocent? The instructions include words I didn't even know she knew!

What do I do? Do I confront her with the "manual", ban her from her computer, completely ignore it, gently prod her to talk about lesbianism while pretending I didn't see the manual? Do I take the manual away? Do I leave it undisturbed?

What to do??

i would remove the manual she will not ask you were it is.

then i would give her some sex education eg about the fact is OK if she was GAY or straight and that you would love her no matter what talk about girl crushes which we all have had

i would take the fact she had a crush on a boy as a sign she wasn't gay as people have full blown relationships or even have kids and are gay usually to hide the fact that they are or she may not even be sure

like i said a chat about different types of relationships and that its not a big deal to your or her dad which way she is should be fine also making sure she knows she can come to you with any questions.

then i would put a key stroke tracer on your computer and use the parental block for inappropriate sites which you really should have had on in the first place

computers should be in a communal area and children should not be using laptops tucked away in their rooms

we have two entries into our computer one for us and one for the kids the one for the kids has a time lock so it switches off and on at time of our choice so they cant sneak on it when we are in bed or early in the morning we also have a swear word filter and adult sites are blocked you really should be supervising things a little more

Don't confront her with it!
My friend once read my diary, a passage about how much I liked her, and she confronted me and it was embarrassing. I was v. young, around your daughter's age, and at that age it's a big step just writing about it, even if they are strong feelings or not. I used to use up loads of notebooks scribbling in them and even though obviously a 7-12 year old's notebooks contain no great secrets and I knew that, something would have been broken between my mum and I if she'd have read them.
Why do you need to talk to her about it? Why can't you just put controls on the computor?

I agree with the above but would probably ignore the manual. Might be worth checking with school to see what topics they have recently covered in sex education .... might explain a few things and put your mind at rest.

If she is not acting on her thoughts, and is just trying to express them, what is wrong with letting things be? If it is a phase, she will pass through, no need to make a big deal of it.
If it is not just a phase, you will know about it down the road, maybe when she has had a chance to think it over, study her feelings and thoughts, and has a chance to be sure of herself before she feels she has to explain it, or defend it.

Removing the manual either with or without telling her would not be a good move. It's her private book which is doing no-one any harm so why remove it? Not telling her would be even worse, as she'd realise it'd gone, guess that you'd seen it and be mortified and bemused as your inability to have an open discussion with her about it.

What sort of discussion you have with her depends on your relationship. Do you think she'd appreciate you talking about different types of sexual relationships with her? Could you, without sounding worried about her possible sexuality? Or would she prefer that you didn't mention it? If you've already had open discussions about sex, why would you need to 'confront' her?

I would look into and up if necessary your computer security. It may be nothing to do with the computer, but this is essential anyway.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have not removed the notebook but will wait for an opportunity to talk to her about types of sexual relationships.

My initial reaction to "confront" her was to find out where she got the "instructions". Has she managed to circumvent to internet minder on her laptop (which is in the study, an open communal area, not in her room), did she see this at a friend's house, is someone older feeding her this information, maybe grooming her? So yes, I need to know. But I will not confront her, I will do it more diplomatically, so as not to break the trust.

Thanks for your help!

That's a good point about grooming. I hadn't thought about it in that way but, yes, that's a possibility that you need to explore with her.

Good luck.

Magpie - I think you have done the right thing not removing it. It is her writing so it's not going to change what she knows and it's hers it feels really wrong to remove it - a bit like thought police. [I think it's a different question entirely if it was published material (though I'm not sure my answer would be different or not)].

I think for me it would depend on the exact content what I would do next.

I'd also need to get over the shock of my 10 year old doing that. It seems a strange thing to do - to write an instruction manual. It's one thing to read the 'Agony Aunt' columns and talk to other kids about it, it's not even about her looking it up on the internet (if that's what she's done)... it's about what's drove her to write a manual? I wonder if she intends to get it published - sorry shouldn't make light of it because that is what would worry me.

Hi,

I have 9 yo DD so can understand just what a jolt it must have been to find it. I wouldn't remove it either, but I would find an opportunity to learn where she's been exposed to this sort of information. If that sort of knowledge hasn't come from a trusted source (and I can't really imagine there could be any such thing where a 10 yo is concerned) then to my mind that's the nub.

MIL is gay and her partner is transsexual - now that's an interesting conversation to have with a child! - so we try to be very PC about it all, but there's a huge gulf between that and giving details about what actually goes on.

Hope it's nothing more than natural curiosity.