Spying on teenage daughter with disastrous consequences HELP!!

[ladytottington]

I stupidly read dd's (15) diary slightly by accident (honestly) when tidying up her room. I feel very ashamed of myself, however, my little innocent has been drinking/ smoking smoking dope/ and lying about her whereabouts - having thought she was having a sleepover with a friend and making cup cakes it transpires she was gallivanting about London hanging around parks etc with some pretty undesirables...until the early hours. I feel sick... I want to confront her, I am worried about her safety - also mindful of the betrayal of trust by reading her diary. Any ideas?

You can't read a diary by accident. You are going to have to speak to your dd so you may as well admit that you were nosy now.

I understand that you must be in bits -if I found out my 15 year old was gallivanting round London smoking pot I would be devastated.

If I was in this situation I would be very matter of fact. Not shout, just say 'I am sorry, I read your diary because I have jad suspicions about what you have been up to, I trusted that you were at Mary's house and you have been smoking weed and pissing off to London. Explain yourself'

And then say how pissed off you are, and impose some sanctions/reduce funds/ say you are goping to check up on her wherever she goes. And then stick to it.

If she kicks off just say you are doing it for her own safety, you trusted her to be mature and not to stupid stuff to put her safety at risk, and she is evidently not mature enough and needs to be supervised more.

Tbh the London trips wouldn't bother me much (if I just read that in the diary I would just leave it and not say anything), put the pot smoking would hugely. Pot is perniciosu in the damage it causes, you really need to nip that in the bud.

Thanks - it has come as a huge shock - she has always been the sensible one, and has just recently got in with a crowd with too much money and parents who seem to be very laid back about what they do. She has recently said that I am far too strict and all her friends parents let them stay out late etc. I know that pot smoking can be very damaging - the other stuff worries me too - but I am still nervous of admitting that I read her diary as that might be very damaging to our relationship. You don't think I could get away with saying "you have been seen around by an unnamed source - can you explain yourself - I thought you were at Mary's house on Sunday night?" Thanks for your advice - she is my oldest and this is all new to me.

I'd tell her she'd been spotted in a particular park (if you are sure of exactly location) by someone you know.

Apols for the terrible spelling.

Actually yes, if you could convincingly lie, you could say that she had been seen. However that doesn't help you with the pot smoking, which is what I would have kittens about. I do sympathise, this is a horrible situation, my 15 year old is an only so I am making things up as I go along. I totally understand your concern about breaking trust - I think it is out of order to read a diary (my gran read mine when I was about 14 and I loathed it) but of course you have been worried about her lately.

You will need to clamp down on her. My dd gets miffed sometimes because I always want to know where she is staying, and check with the parents. However some of her mates lie to their parents where they are sleeping, and then hang round the city centre/parks all night. I tell her she is mature enough to understand that drinking cider at 2am on a Saturday morning in a city centre is not ideal, and that is why I don't let her out after dark. I am lucky that she doesn't kick against it too much, but she does the whole 'but sophie's mum lets her stay out til midnight' shtick.

I wouldn't confess to reading her diary. I think you probably can get away with saying someone saw her out. If it were me I'd then say that as she can't be trusted to tell the truth you'll be dropping her off and picking her up when she us going out and checking with other parents when she says it's a sleepover. I know that won't help with the smoking but it will make it much more difficult for her to get away with.
I have two teenage DDs. We are lucky to live in an area with little public transport. None in the evening at all so I do always know where mine are because either I or another parent has to take them.

Thanks everyone - the more I think about it - I can't possibly admit to reading her diary. I think I have a solution! I will ring the mother who was having the sleepover and ask her to verify if they were at the house all night (knowing this not to be the case) and ask her if she thought they might have been drinking - given that DD was very sick when I picked her up the next morning. Then I will confront DD and say as she can't be trusted etc... and be very very vigilant in future. I am bound to get caught out if I say someone saw her out, she will wear me down - they are all so damn clever! The downside is that her friends will get into trouble as well and she will hate my guts for that too - hey ho. Wish me luck tonight!

I think your plan is a good one ladytottinton - if I were her friend's mother, I'd want to know what my dd was up to (my dd is 14, so understand your predicament)

If it comes to light about the smoking of pot, then arm yourself with some literature and make her read it with you - FRANK is a good source of information, check out their website. Thier are lots of implications for your dd if she's taking drugs - physical, mental and legal.

Bets of luck.

I read ds's phone messages once at that age and got a bit of a wake up! I told him he had been seen in the park drinking by a family friend rather than admit to reading his messages! Could you say someone had seen her?In order to open the conversation about safety etc?

Going through similar thing with 15 yo ds. I'm sure he smokes, but I can't prove it - praying it's not pot. Have had to stand VERY firm with going out with his "undesirable" mates, who seem to be allowed to do what they want. It's hard to put sanctions in place, but absolutely necessary. Stay firm but fair. I wouldn't say you read her diary - just that she's been seen/caught out etc.

I can't trust ds at all. He can lie for England! Just have to stay vigilant until the hormones calm down....... Good luck.

Don't tell her you read her diary, she will never trust you again EVER.

I think you are right to talk to the friend's mum, but don't tell her you read the diary either.

Keep vigilant every time she goes for sleep overs etc, and maybe get in some anti drug leaflets or some reading material that explains the dangers. You could always say you had read some statistics about the number of teens taking drugs etc.

Good luck

Actually it's a really good thing to talk to the other mother. And others too if you can. You would be amazed that many parents don't really know what's going on. When my son was 15 we discovered he and several of his friends had been drinking vodka and smoking dope. Speaking to several parents together really helped us deal with it and the kids could see it wasn't just one of us being too strict. If it's any consolation he is 18 now, we have never had a problem with him since and in fact it got us talking as a family openly about the issues that face people his age.