Daughter and drug debt- I feel such a fool

[Downnotout]

i posted on here a story about DD and a drug debt.
Well it wasn't her debt. She wasn't on drugs- never has been. It was the boyfriend. He forced her to tell us that so he could get the money for his own debts- he lied to my face and I believed him. He was so credible. I even posted on here how he'd had a tough time but seemed like a really nice lad. Oh how wrong can you be? And what an idiot I feel.
She pawned everything she owned ( or we had given her) to get him money. He even pawned a special gold watch that his father had given him and wanted to get it back because his dad would have thrown him out if he found out about the watch and the drugs. ( he lives in his dads old flat and his dad lives elsewhere )
His dad even phoned me to ask if I knew where the watch was because he suspected something was wrong and I said I didn't know.
The upshot is that DD asked for help to get away from him so I took her to my brother in Spain, which is where she is now. The downside is this boy has continually pestered her. Threatening to stab my son, do us harm, kill himself you name it he's said it.
He's been to our house, texted me. Called DD all the names under the sun, told her he's going out to get another girl, told here he's in hospital, all interspersed with saying he loves her, he needs her, he's changed etc etc.
Her head is so done in that she doesn't know what to think anymore.
I've had to leave her there(she wanted to stay, I didn't make her) because my youngest has to go back to school. Now I'm gone she's wavering because she still loves him, he's saying all the right things and promising to change.
Now, I know and you know, that it's not likely. But he's her first love and she so longs to believe him.
So here I am, sick with fear that she'll go back to him. Knowing if she does, we'll probably have to go through all this again.
I can't force her to do anything. I have to step back and let her make her own choices, no matter how wrong I think she is.
I could have told his dad about the watch. He would be kicked out and have to go back to where he came from in another town, to his mum and family members who think it's ok to do drugs, steal, lie, anything to get by. But I didn't because DD wouldn't have forgiven me. But bloody hell, I feel so angry I wish I had.
It's so hard.

Well she has said she isn't going to come home and is moving back in with him tonight.
I have calmly told her that is her choice and that she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions.
I said she is allowed to take one suitcase with the clothes that she needs but that nothing else can be removed from the house. We will not be supporting her financially at all because no matter what tale he/she/they come up with I refuse to to have any further part in all this.
It is destroying our family life and I have dd2 to think about- all this upset and comings and goings is affecting her.

I'm terrified that I may lose her completely of course. And, when and if , the time comes that she needs me I will be there for her. But right now I have to let her go.

Many thanks to all of your supportive messages that have given me the strength to say enough is enough, to stop trying to control her and to realise that we can only do what we can with the things we have the power to change.

Downnotout

that must have taken a lot of guts to say to her, and to tell us about it too.

I truly believe you have done the right thing.

Downnotout

Have PM'd you (hopefully successfully- this is my first time!)

I'm 17, I met a boy and thought I was in love, I knew my parents wouldnt approve of him so I ran away to live with him. It was perfect at first he was kind, caring, loving, and made me feel speacial. We are from very different backgrounds, I was working and earning my own money and he was on the dole. He had got himself in to debt,for drugs money, and I thought I could help him.we did some silly things to get money, and things started to go wrong between us.I left him, because I knew the things we were doing were wrong, and he was trying to come between me and my family, all the lying became to much. But he pestered and pestered me, and told me he loved me and he had promised things had changed, so stuidly I went back. Things went down hill very quickly, he said he had changed, and had got a job but it was all lies.he got jealous and tried to control me, threatened to hit me if I didn't lie for him to his and my family and stoped me seeing my parents and friends. I left him again and now back home with my family, but he won't leave me alone, 70 missed calls aday and 60 messages. Sometimes threats to kill and others, and sometimes begging me to come back and telling me he loves me and wants to marry me. I replied to him 3 times asking him to leave me alone. So the police came and issued an harassment warning to him. He changed all my passwords for Facebook and my email and sent threatened my friends on my Facebook. He has taken my money, and is getting other people to contact me on his behalf. The police have done a risk assessment, and are talking about panic alarms ect and because of his previous record which they won't disclose but I have a good idea about they say I should phone 999 if he comes near me. I'm scared, I'm confused, I know it's all wrong but I miss the good side of him, even if it wasn't real. My mum told me to post on here because I need support from someone outside the situation. I would welcome any comments so that I know that I'm not alone.

Above post is by my daughter. You can see where we've got to with this.
Just wanted to say thank you to all who offered us advice.

You did make a mistake by moving away to be with this guy, but the thing about drug addicts are that they are the masters of lying, they can be ultra charming... you just got taken in.

Nice as he may have been to you at times, if you love someone you don't harass them and threaten those they love.

You've been brave by making the first steps. You can keep going.... you don't need him, you never did.

Your mum is on your side

What a horrible ,horrible situation to be in .

You must be such a kind ,loving person to see the best in him .

But Leverkusen is right - you don't threaten and harass someone if you love them .Not unless you're in the grip of something stronger than both of you .

You've shown huge strength moving back to your mum's ,keep going sweetheart ,we're all rooting for you .

That's a brave, brave message Maryz. I did not know your story but I understand a little bit of what you're going through.
We've only had to live with this a few weeks. I can only imagine what life is like for you.

Of course you have been given all the advice there is to give I expect. I suppose it all boils down to not being able to help someone who cannot- or will not help themselves- for whatever reason. But equally your child is still your child, and it hurts to see them destroying themselves and your family.

I hope you know that the advice and sympathy you give on here really helps people- like me- who are at the end of their tether and have nowhere else to turn. Those of us who come on here as a last resort and just need someone to say it's ok, you're not alone.

Thank you. X

Dear Downnotout's daughter -

Well done for getting out. You have been, and continue to be, hugely strong and you have done something that is not easy so remember to give yourself big praise for that.
You are now seeing what your ex is really like. Yes, you will grieve for the relationship but remember that it is grief for 'what could have been', i.e. your wishes for the future, rather than what the relationship was really like. Whenever you pine for the 'good side' of your ex boyfriend make a conscious decision to remember all the scary, nasty, worrying, upsetting sides. Make a big list of all the reasons why it is good that you have got out and also list all the reasons why it would be dangerous or bad to be in the relationship and pin it up in your bedroom where you can see it every day. Read it when you pine for the relationship. When you cease to pine for your ex, burn the list.
Spend time with friends too, the ones who are supportive. Avoid any involvement with your ex's friends. Start building up sides of your life away from your ex...start thinking of your own life and what you want to do to make it work. Above all else, start putting yourself first before any bloke in your life! :oD
Your ex will eventually leave you alone and move on once he realises that you will not go back to him. In the meantime, keep away from him, don't communicate with him and most importantly keep yourself safe. The police are taking this seriously - so you must do too.
Just keep on keeping away from him and staying safe - it will get better.
It's been a steep learning curve for you....but you will one day meet someone who treats you with respect, love and kindness who you will be able to make a life with, not the bully and abuser that your ex is. You deserve better - and it will come.
Stay strong. xx