Worried about DD1's weight

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

I've just had DD1 home for two weeks from Uni which has been lovely.. She is in her first year at Uni and doing well though she found the transition very hard at first..she was knocked sideways by homesickness which she (and we) didn't expect as she is usually a very confident person.

BUT she is skeletal. Not just her usual skinny ness, and to say that DH and me are worried is putting it lightly.
To but it into context, she has always been thin. She has always needed to eat a LOT just to be normal thin, and she has always had a slightly odd diet. She really really prefers healthy food.. did as a toddler, as a child and now as a young adult.. her ideal meal is salad! She has never liked meat and isn't a massive fan of cheese so needs a large amount of cadburys in her life!

She is 5 ft 8 and the heaviest she EVER managed was just about 8 stone while in the 6th form eating her way through the vending machine

Anyway she was horribly homesick during her first term at Uni and lost a lot of weight. She loves her course and is finally happy with some lovely friends, but has had a horrible time with one of her flat mates who frankly is a 5 star bitch.. steals DD1's food from the kitchen, messes up her stuff there has trashed hr food pans etc etc. I think she is jealous of DD1 to be honest. We offered to move her for this final term but Abby wouldn't have it partly because she didn't want to cost us more (like we CARE!) and partly because she didn't want to be chased out by one horrible person.

So.. one way or another the ongoing stresses made her lose weight, and then her busy schedule (doing medicine so very full on)has meant she doesn't snack much and the result has been pretty bad.

She has eaten well over the holiday but I can see her appetite is simply really small now compared to what it was. Yesterday I asked her to weigh herself (she has no scales at Uni) and she is now 6 stone 8.

She is going to the docs this week to ask for help..she honestly hates looking how she does now.. to be honest she looks like a poster child for anorexia and her tutor already asked her if she had an ED...that was before she lost weight!

She has that downy furry look that anorexics get, alone with a horribly low heart rate, poor circulation (has Raynauds anyway) and such low blood pressure she has to hang on to furniture when she stands up. Oddly enough her periods haven't stopped which is almost a shame as she has to have iron for anaemia!

I don't know what to DO to help. She isn't anorexic in the sense that she wants to be thin.. she truly doesn't, but she has almost forgotten how to eat a reasonable amount of food. She has always been a bit ASD in her eating patterns (HAS to eat porridge for breakfast for example, HAS to have yoghurt tomatoes and cucumber for supper) and I can see that her stress levels have made that worse.

But I'm 150 miles away from her and can't simply get her eating more

I'm wondering if she has a medical reason why she finds it so hard to be a normal weight in addition to the stress of Uni... her heart rate, BP etc all being a bit odd.
Basically I'm just worried and don't know how to help so any suggestions welcomed!

some people just don't see the appeal of food.

she is dangerously thin for her height and she should seek help as a matter or urgency i would suggest

Don't panic. She is going to the doctors, be there with her as much as you can and let her know you love her unconditionally.

She needs some therapy so make sure the doc's provide referalls e.t.c. speedily (is private an option?) and you need to fight on her behalf for what she needs because if she is too thin to stand up properly, she'll be too thin to sit on the phone dealing with difficult receptionists and practical organization. You sound like you are surrounding her with the space and support she needs, keep at it.

PS I'm a recovered anorexic

Thankyou Fearnelinen :) DO you mind if I as you a question? (feel free to tell me to poke off )
Can you develop anorexia accidentally? I know that sounds daft but she has all the hallmarks of anorexia without it being deliberate . She seems to have just lost the will to eat enough! She honestly does eat.. but she is full after very very small amounts and just doesn't seem to need much food any more.
I have another DD who has battled with ED problems for a few years..bulimia following deliberate self starvation and that makes it harder in some ways as DD2 would still LIKE to be very thin(she isn't now..if anything slightly overweight) and with DD2 we gradually realised she was not eating on purpose, making herself sick etc, so am very aware of those signs. She has now 'recovered' but still has massive body issues. DD1 however doesn't seem to have those.. she just is getting thinner and thinner.

We are a very loving and relaxed family and DD1 knows how much we adore her (also have two boys who eat for England..no issues there!) but I'm so frightened for her being so far away when I want to mother her and make sure she eats!

Ummmm...I'm not trained in this field other than my own experiences. My ED came to the fore after spending time in a 3rd world country - witnessing extreme poverty, being permanently ill e.t.c. I came home with an inability to enjoy food which quickly became a fear. BUT the therapy showed me that it was there all along, the issues with my childhood (which WAS lovely, I am very close to my parents, but mistakes were made) meant that I was never going to be at ease around food.

It certainly does sound as though food is a topic in your household - PLEASE forgive me for making that observation - I'll happily accept it if you tell me I'm wrong.

My own theory is that in western culture it is rarer to treat food as fuel and pleasure than it is to have a complex relationship with it. If you have issues with food, almost anything can trigger the explosion that turns it into a full blown ED. On the up side, I consider myself lucky that it happened to me - I did lose a chunk of my early 20s to it, but I have worked through a lot now. Honestly, if I hadn't worked through it, I know I would still be suffering / controlling now.
Does that help?

Would she try some of those high calorie milkshake things? I don't think they are necessarily filling, but are high calorie.

Hmm sounds tricky.Im very slim , always have been , need to eat a lot to maintain my slimness let alone gain.
I also lost a lot of weight when i first went to uni. Its quite hard for me to realise that i need to eat so much as not everyone else does and i often fall into their eating patterns and forget i need to eat more !
The calorie drinks may work , just as a top up. But she really needs to establish a regular good sized eating pattern. Its harder than it sounds as everyone else always seems to be on a diet and some of us need to eat twice what they do.
I often only know ive lost too much weight when i can seem my ribs in my chest along my breastbone, which i know sounds awful but its true.
It can and does still happen to me and yes my mum does still notice. It may just be that your DD is the same but it wouldnt hurt it she saw her GP and tried to establish a better eating pattern. Even just having 2 high calorie snacks a day might do it.
Uni involves a lot of partying ,no enough sleep and too much shit food. I loved it but it didnt do my health any good !

Cant some thyroid problems cause extreme weight loss?

There could be something physiological going on, several forms of anemia or hyperthyroidism. Those can kill appetite.

I am almost 5'8", most people say I'm skinny with a good figure & I am still nearly 10 stone. I'd be worried sick if she were my DD, too. :(

I would ask her permission to speak to her GP after she's been, on the excuse of "what can I do when you visit home", but then you can know for sure that she did go see the GP. Anorexics can be very sneaky, that's' my only worry, she could be double bluffing you, iyswim.

It could just be stress. I know it can cause me to lose half a stone very easily.

I would actually confront the girl who is bullying her and tell her that if she doesn't stop her shit you will be reporting her to the university and possibly the police for harassment. She needs to learn she's an adult now and may face serious consequences if she doesn't moderate her actions. Your daughter may be embarrassed but it will probably scare the shit out of this little bitch.

Uni can be quite hard on your health, no fixed meal times and lots of pressure. Most people either gain or lose weight, especially in the first year.

As for the bitchy flat mate there isnt much than can be done. Your DD could report her but it miht be hard to prove. I had flatmates like this and i think Some people are just nasty. She should rise above it. Or alternatly put something nasty in her food for the girl to steal then eat. Chili paste anyone ? (no i havent done that.cough.)

Please excuse my spelling. Keyboard is sticking.

it does sound as though she needs a thorough check up to ensure there aren't any thyroid or other issues contributing.

Would she eat porridge with cream stirred in?

I wonder about thinking through and eating out lists of meals that she enjoys that are quick to make and calorific - pasta cabonara that type of thing? I got very stressed at the end uni and even though I was eating lost an awful lot of weight without trying at all

Your poor DD :(

Stress / depression can cause a lack of appetite. I don't want to upset you but I became anorexic in my 1st year as university, as did my friend in her 3rd year. I think it is relatively common. My parents noticed I'd lost weight but I told them it was because I'd become a vegetarian, and they believed me I think :(

Mine was totally due to the stress of leaving home, living in a communal environment with lots of fallings out , the stress of exams etc. When I'm very stressed I feel sick and lose my appetite, and then lose weight. I realised I was losing weight and liked it, I also being very thin because it made me look vulnerable which is how I felt.

Most (all?) universities offer a counselling service which may be worth looking into - if your DD is interested. Regarding your DDs living situation - is this likely to change soon? Maybe she could live somewhere else in the new year in Sept, preferably not with the girl who's being horrible to her. I think her living situation needs to change as it's horrible not being able to go 'home' and feel relaxed, safe and happy.

Her self confidence is possibly quite low. I'm sure you do already, but you need to keep in contact with your DD regularly and tell her and show her how you feel about her and how important she is, and how beautiful she is, but without going on about the food issue too much.

6 stone 8 at 5 ft 9 is very underweight. My mum was anorexic for much of my life and was told by her gp that if she fell below 6 stone, she would have to have in patient care. I don't know what the threshold is now, but I would say that your dd needs medical care urgently to try and stop the situation getting any worse.

The gp may well need to contact the medical team at university too.

I think it is possible to develop anorexia accidentally as it were - the downy face and all that are in reaction to the body being starved so clearly (for whatever reason) she is seriously under-nourished and she does need help really quickly. If you get no joy from the GP please contact an ED association and ask the name of a specialist you can contact privately.

IME - just feeling very out of control can trigger this sort of ED - not that she is meaning to so it at all but eating or indeed not eating is something she can control - like a pressure valve iykwim

ED's are not always about body issues per se - a friend of mine nearly bumped herself off with anorexia without ever being concerned how she looked - hers was about controlling things (she has OCD even now even though the eating is under control)

Often being very picky about what you eat and when can be OCDish (!) and perhaps if she cannot eat what she wants to eat at that specific time then she is not eating at all.

She sounds extremely underweight - I would talk to her about this in nutritional terms rather than emotional ones - tell her that is what you are trying to sort and then she will not feel as if she is under too much scrutiny psychologically.

And poor you - this must be such a worry for you and I really hope she can get some help very soon.

I have been "loitering" on this site for a while...used to be an active member years ago, but could not let this post go unanswered!

Your daughter sounds EXACTLY like my 15 yo DD. She has an eating disorder (not anorexia or bulimia) caused by severe stress, due to other on-going health issues. She is 5ft 8 and weighs 6st 9. In September, she was wearing size 10/12 clothes, by Christmas she had gone to an 8 and she is now in a 6 and some of those are baggy :(

School flagged her as a concern (although didn't inform us until we approached them) and referred to an Eating Disorder counselling service for teens. They were concerned that she was so thin, that she was referred urgently to CAHMS. They have been excellent and we meet with them every 10 days. She has counselling on her own and as a family. They are very concerned about her weight and we are desperately trying to feed her up as they have started talking about "in-hospital re-feeding". For the last week, she has had to keep a food diary, breaking down into proteins, carbs, fats etc. We're going back on Thursday to review...but unless she starts gaining, she will be admitted :(

We are now at the point where she has to eat under Adult supervision, including at school. She has a pass allowing her to leave the class 5 mins before lunch to go to the canteen first, and then she eats with the Head of Years Assistant...(which luckily she doesn't mind as she gets on well with her and she has been a great support). She also had to eat during lessons as soon as she feels hunger.

She is also anaemic, has the downy, furryness as you describe and also struggles when she gets up with "head-rush" as she calls it. She is quite weak and struggles with standing for any length of time/sitting still for long periods. Consequently, her studies (although both my DH and I and CAHMS have said are the least of our worries at the moment), are slipping as she struggles with memory loss and concentration. CAHMS are surprised that she is managing to cope with school full-time and last week, he informed us that he had admitted a child into hospital that day who actually weighed slightly more than DD1.

As I said, I couldn't let this post go with replying....you must get her to the GP and referred to the Eating Team. I wish you and your daughter the very best xx

I've been thinking about this and wondering whether you need to talk to her about taking a leave of absence from university for a term while she gets appropriate support.

Thank you for all your lovely..and informative.. replies.

I honestly don't believe she is anorexic in the ED sense.. ie she doesn't want to be mega thin .. but I think she has absolutely lost her ability to feel hungry.
Her stress levels have been very high due to moving to Uni, the flatmate from hell and the sheer pressure of doing medicine (which thank god she loves). She has always been a tad OCD, ok more than a tad (her youngest brother has autism and we have always joked she is JUST off the spectrum herself) and the OCD tendencies definitely worsen with stress. She will eat stuff put in front of her thankfully (my Step Mum is baking another massive cake as I type to send to her with the tin packed with marshmallows:)) so we are all on a mission to send food parcels that she will snack on.

She has promised to go to the GP this week, and she suggested herself that she asks the docs for a strict eating plan.. she is very good at obeying instructions and says herself that if given a sheet and told ' eat this and come back next week for weigh in' it will make it less easy for her to not bother with food. Unfortunately as she is registered at Uni docs AND she is an adult (in the eyes of the law at least!) I have little ability to force the issue there. She is too old for CAHMS unfortunately.

I'm absolutely sure her tutors must be aware and alarmed. As part of her teaching, the students all practise clinical skills on each other.. DD1 jokes that when she started they all used to ask her to strip because she is so easy to see bones/muscles etc on... well now she is virtually see through and they can't possibly be unaware:( I'm amazed she is still coping with the level of study, but she is doing well so far. I am going to investigate whether I can somehow contact her tutor to ask for them to approach her, without knowing it comes from me (only because I think having other people express their concern might be helpful rather than it coming just from me)

I'd like to get her flat mate and flatten her ..but as that's not really an option I'm just glad that there is only this term left and next year DD1 is sharing a house with a handful of male friends who are very protective of her:)

We have a very loving and close relationship luckily.. as a family we are close and I think this has been half of the problem.. she misses us ..skypes me a few times a week and speaks to her sister every day, and she worries about her sister who has issues of her own:( She has always felt the need to look after everyone even though we have never tried to make her feel she should.

Sorry I have waffled on..but thankyou.. it really helps to be able to ask here and to know we aren't alone either..

I'm 5'9'' and am naturally thin - when I'm under stress I lose my apppetite very quickly and then lose weight so I can understand your daughter's situation, with the stress of her uni course and her expereince of bullying. Medicine is a very demanding course so it is essentiall that she receives help asap so that her weight doesn't impact on her future training.

If you watched any of the Supersize V superskinny series on Channel 4, one thing all the skinny individuals reported was a loss of appetite resulting in them eating and surviving on very little. When made to sit down and eat a meal, they could manage it and within a short space of time, many regained their interest in food/appetities. This is definitely possible for your daughter, especially once she settles into her new accomodation next year. Thankfully she only has a few weeks left of her final term before she can be home with you for the summer and you can focus on building her up.

I'd suggest that perhaps over the sumer, you could have a look at some of the ready made meals that are available and see which ones she likes. Having also studied a full time healthcare course at Uni, we had little time/inclination to cook at the end of the day. Having something that can be popped into the oven would be far easier for dd, rather than having to cook from scratch. You could also help her identify high calorie snacks to have on the go - nuts, cereal bars etc, that way she can keep her energy levels up during the day.

The very bext of luck

I'm about 5'8". If I got down under 7 stone I'd literally be size 0, or -2 even.

I barely ate at all in my first year at uni, and I'm certain also worried the hell out of my parents when I came home for summer. Like your DD it was a combination of stress (the more stressed I am, the less I eat) and a desire to be in the kitchen as little as possible as I did not get on with the students I shared it with (halls of residence). I lived off ready made salad and ready meals for the last term because I couldn't stand to be in there for longer than the 7 minutes a day it took to microwave something. May not be the healthiest thing but it might help your DD - pick up a meal from the supermarket on the way home, microwave on getting home and eat straight away, then she's not actually exposed to the horrible person she lives with and that person doesn't get a chance to steal her food.

Also, if this is a halls of residence, there should be a hall warden who she can approach about the bullying problem. She may not want to, but a good hall warden is worth his weight in gold, and if hers is good he could really help.

Finally, I know my undergrad department had a pastoral care team who were primarily for us to approach (and I did, and they were fantastic) but they wouldn't have turned away a desparately worried parent. Your DD is an adult, so they would be limited in what they could discuss with you, but I think it might be worth you phoning the department and asking if there is a pastoral care team you could speak to, or failing that just get in touch with her tutor. They can keep an eye on her and tactfully refer her to university medical and counselling services if they think it is needed.