Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Girlfriends/Boyfriends staying over......

36 replies

bubblesbabe · 28/04/2011 13:22

My son is 16 and has asked me if his girlfriend can stay at our house, overnight,IN HIS ROOM!
I have said No, the rule in the house is 18. He has younger siblings etc etc.
I have said she is welcome to stay but in the spare room which is obviously not good enough!
AIBU?
He is furious with me and says I am the only parent with this rule. His girlfriend's parents allow it. I know that I am not alone as I have asked a few friends what they would say.
Opinion anyone?

OP posts:

alemci · 30/04/2011 10:07

I don't agree Usual suspect. I think although my DC live in my house my DH and I are in charge and make the rules. My DC are not lodgers but I think parents need to have authority. The DC's are minors, not my best friends and they need clear boundaries.

However we are quite laid back and I don't have too many rules. My DD's tend to have quite alot of freedom.

I think until they are 18 they are not in a position to dictate.

Watertight · 01/05/2011 18:24

bubblesbabe - If this is what you feel is the right thing to offer ("not until you're 18") then I would stick to your guns

Here's what we do in our house:

DD17's boyfriend (18) often stays the night at our house because he lives a long way away and she sometimes stays at his house too.

He sleeps in our spare room and she sleeps in his parents' spare room when she's there.

We give them plenty of space and turn a blind eye to whatever goes on when we are out or during that time in between us going to bed and them finally making their way to their own separate beds but the deal is that they actually sleep in separate beds.

I think you're within your rights to set the agenda for your 16 year old, OP.

RoseAnn · 01/05/2011 19:19

i would rather let them sleep in the same room rather then goin eles were to do it, but befor hand id make sure i had a convosation with him about contraseption ect id even offer to go with gf to find out about pil if she wanted id rather no they were safe and sensible rather then them runing behind my back if there gona do it they will and i would just want to make sure we had an oppen relationship and secrets would be min.

btw this would not be aceptable one night stands just long term gfs

ChishAndFips · 02/05/2011 22:21

DD's boyfriend slept in her room when they were both 17; we have a spare room but we knew they'd be sneaking across so it just seemed sensible to be upfront about it. They're above the age of consent so really I consider it to be their private business. I knew she was on the Pill and they are both sensible. At his house, DD had to sleep in the spare room for a while as he has a younger sibling, but his parents soon came round.

usualsuspect I agree with you. 'Your house, your rules' seems to me to give practically adult children so little respect and teaches them that it their views don't matter as much as the adults. Obviously there are times when the parent's views are more important, but on the whole in my house we discuss things and reach a joint decision (even if I do sway it a particular way!). I was never even allowed to have a boy upstairs at home and I couldn't wait to leave.

But clearly it's entirely up to you. I do have to add though, that I only have daughters so maybe I'd have felt differently with sons where I couldn't ensure they were on the Pill.

anniewindsor · 06/05/2011 16:45

My two sons have boyfriends / casuals stay over from time to time. I reckon that I'd prefer to know what they're up to rather than they hiding in some back-alley or staying with friends I don't know about. Some of the boys I see again, others not. My boys are much more clued up on sex than I ever was and they both tend to look out for each other. I realise that this is not typical but it does seem to work for me and the boys. So far...

TrudyVotion · 08/05/2011 21:33

My 17 and 18 yo skids have lived with us for years now, and though neither has yet had a proper relationship DH and I have discussed this. We have a 9 yo and a 2 y to consider and no-one has locks on their door, so the chance of a younger person walking in is high, not to mention prurient interest from 9 yo! I think this would put them off having anyone back full stop, never mind overnight!

PP's point about long term bf/gf rather than flings is a good one IMO. If they were in a good relationship and it had been going a while, then as long as discretion was maintained and it wasn't a nightly occurrence, then the odd staying over would be okay. When I was 18 my then bf and I would find ourselves driving home at 3am totally shattered because staying over was verboten. I think that's undesirable, I'd rather someone drove home in the morning after a bit of sleep. What is absolutely not on is dragging home the latest nightclub pick-up - that feels like invasion, whereas welcoming a long term bf/gf into the house feels fine.

Watertight · 09/05/2011 15:14

Trudy (and any/everyone else, actually)

Your point about making a distinction between a long-term bf/gf and the latest nightclub pick-up is an important one.

At what stage do we consider a relationship between older teens (16/17/18) to be "long-term" or "steady" or "committed" (or whatever you want to call it) though.

Is it a year? Six months? Three months?... When?

Any thoughts, anyone?

MissMisa · 11/05/2011 11:02

I'm 20 and my parents still don't allow this to happen! Honestly though, I wouldn't ask, it's their house and I respect how they feel about it.

Do what you feel is comfortable. I have never resented my parents for this decision. I've been allowed to stay at my boyfriend's house since I was around 18.

mathanxiety · 12/05/2011 18:20

LOL. If I had a penny for the times I have been the only parent who says [fill in the blank] I'd be off to Acapulco in the morning.

Stick to your guns.

mathanxiety · 12/05/2011 18:24

A 16 year old who expects his parent to swallow that particular line is not mature enough to be thinking of sleeping with his gf anywhere, and certainly not mature enough for his suggestion to be taken seriously by the adult in charge.

onemumonegirl · 22/05/2011 17:52

I think it's great for you to put down rules over staying over.
I come from another place - and regret it! Which is my then 16 year old daughter was allowed her 16 year old boyf to stay over (on the grounds that I'd prefer them to have a good experience of first sex in a bed rather than behind a shed etc, and if I endorsed it it would lead to a rather more serious relationship than otherwise).
All well and good until dd split up with boyf and then began to ask for other boys to stay over. I said No, not unless I knew them and it had gone on for a while. We have had so many rows over this in the past year...
I so wish I'd said NO right from the start. I feel I was a wishy washy liberal, and it didn't really work, so well done you!!!

Flip

1 2