Need advice for me re teens please

[SecondhandRose]

my two are now 12 and 16. Mostly stay in their rooms unless they want food.

I feel sad they no longer want to do anything with us. They have no interest or enthusiasm, DS didnt co me on our easter holiday either (his choice). Says he is revising for gcses but i see no sign of it.

Dh is very busy with work and his business has suffered badly in the recession.

I know it is the start of empty nest syndrome. I know i need a job but i dont have much in the way of skills.

I have a very happy marriage which keeps me sane.

It is a beautiful day today, i asked the children if they would like to go out somewhere. No was the answer. It is 11.55am and they are both in their rooms on computers.

I suffer with low self esteem and anxiety and am currently weaning myself off 10mg a day of Citalpram.

Any advice for me?

you need to get a life rose. everyone has skills - even if you have money - going to work as say a cleaner or a checkout operator gives you so much more than money -it gives you confidence -a ccess to training, friends and collegues and responsavbilities - and ofcourse access to a wider world and different conversation at home

I find it unusual a 12 year old holing himself up in his room. A 16 year old, yes, but 12 year olds still very much have the kid in them. Maybe you ought to think about restricting computer time, plus a 12 year old should not have unrestricted and unsupervised internet access. I say this as the mother of three 12 year olds, 2 who are boys. They would live on their xbox if I let them, but I don't. Tell him to switch off as you're going to [insert place] and he's coming with you. Don't give him the choice.

12yr old is a girl. Will talk to dh now.

Get the computers out of their rooms and limit the time they spend on them - make them come out of their rooms to help you cook dinner maybe.

And you can get a job even as a cleaner or do some volunteering first to help with with your confidence.

You can't let a kid stay in it's room all the time though - they need to socialise to learn how to.

I agree with the above. I have a 12 and 14 year old, we have one laptop, it is not allowed upstairs. Playstation in living room, I don't watch much TV so not a problem. They have TVs in their rooms but they are only connected to DVD player, so can only watch other things downstairs.

This way I at least get to see them, 14 yo is mostly on laptop, so not that communicative, but she's in the same room. They also get some sleep at night if not too many distractions, I'm sure eldest would be up most of night on MSN etc if given the choice.

I have a 12 year old girl too. No way on earth is she allowed unsupervised internet access. In fact, the triplets are not yet allowed on MSM, Facebook, Bebo et al, as they are unmoderated and can be added by anyone. I'd be going through her computer to find out exactly what she's doing.

I restrict screen time, too, not out of ideals just out of practical experience that DC would never emerge from their cocoons otherwise.
Hope you are feeling a bit stronger now, OP. It's a bitch being a Bitch to your DC but sometimes you have to do it.

I have a 10yo who has already starting holing up. And smothering himself in Lynx. So not necessarily that unusual. I do drag him out, but tbh just taking away TV/laptop does not lead to any more emerging.

Well they both came shopping with me today. ds had an Hmv voucher he wanted to spend and dd wanted some "cher lloyd" trousers so we went halves in matalan.

Big blow up tonight with ds saying we owed him 95 pounds which he then found after checking his bank statement. He did the same yesterday, accused me of not banking his birthday money for him. Very upsetting and again had already been paid in. He is intimidating and 6ft 2" now.

Dh did intervene and i told ds he wouldnt get pocket money unless bedroom clean and tidy. I am no longer going to remind him, i will just cancel the direct debit on the thursday as he is paid weekly on a friday.

I can now hear computer on top landing whirring. Dd was asked to turn this off at 8.30, she is now in bed and obviously didnt turn it off.

Dd has facebook, i am her friend as she has strict guidelines for usage.

They do not have Tv's in their rooms.

Anyway, bit of good news. Bought some half price Easter eggs today and got them out of their rooms to watch Midsomer Murders tonight and eat the eggs.

I am going to contact a recruitment company too. I have plenty of confidence. My problem is self esteem.

We don't have computers/Xboxes/Playstations in bedrooms. They are downstairs where people walk in and out.

Your 12 yo I would make come with you. She/he isn't old enough to make their own decision about this. You're the parent, they're the child.

Your 16 yo I would stop doing things for if he doesn't respect you. You don't need to put up with being spoken to in a bad way. Maryz put something about human rights for children and their responsibilities on another thread. That makes very interesting reading.

If your DS is old enough to check his bank statements he's old enough to put his own money in the bank. You don't have to do it for him. Then he would know if the money had been put in or not. Did he apologise to you for accusing you of taking his money? He needs to do this. He wouldn't speak to his friends like this. Does it mean that his friends mean more to him than you do? do his friends pay for his upkeep? You really need to keep a dialogue going. Get DH to back you up. Decide on a strategy between you and keep to it.

well done Rose! YOu are making progress already . Yuu could put somethng like that into practice once a week. Communication is the key -just keep chatting, being ever present - encouraging sociable behaviour. I think , reading from your first post to your most recent, that you are doing great!

Hi all, well yes he did apologise and JJ I think you are right he can bank his own money in future.

The plot thickens today as dear Mother has had a go at me on the phone and put the phone down. I am going to hunt out a thread that I wrote on here about 10 years ago called 'Am I the only one with a miserable mother' and see if there have been any positive changes in her! I didn't ring back and I didn't have a go back, I am sick of her behaviour and I have been coming to this conclusion for years now.

Anyway there's me trying to come off my anti depressants and she rings and has a go - marvellous.