My dd (15) is falling apart how can I help her?

[winnie]

As you may or may not know my husband bailed out of our marriage just over a week ago. It is hell (but that is another story). Dd is 15, he is not her Dad, but he is the only male parental role model she has ever had. They were very close although never kissy/cuddly IYSWIM.
I told dd almost immediately partly because of the state I was in (she would not have been able to miss the fact that something had happened) and partly because I believe in being appropriately straight with my children.
( Ds (5) has not as yet been told as husband and I have agreed to what to say and then husband has decided it's not what he wants to say... )
Anyway, dd has a lot on her plate; my mum is terminally ill, she is in her final GCSE year and not doing well, her best friend has become completely besotted by her and it's got rather worrying particularly as he is very needy (he takes drugs, never goes to school), her actual Dad has been charged with a serious violent offence and recently told her he is going to cut his throat because dd doesn't talk deep and meaningfully with him (why would she he chose not to have a relationship with her for 12 years?) & he has been telling her it doesn't matter how she does in school it's her choice and now this. She is worrying about me and her brother and has very, very mixed feelings about stepdad right now. I think it is the last straw and she seems on the edge. Last night she just broke down and curled up on my lap and cried like a baby. I feel awful as I cannot make any of these problems go away for her.
I have spoken to her head of year and dd is being extremely disruptive in school , walking out of lessons, bursting into tears, generally being a 'drama queen' and I have agreed to meet the head of year with dd and there has been a suggestion that she is put on 'daily report' & the head of year has recommended that I stop her seeing said best friend!
How do I get my daughter back on track? Any ideas, experiences?
Until a few months ago we had a wonderful relationship but in the past few months we have just been at loggerheads. She was always so together and now she is falling apart

xh has sent dd an email telling her that he is sorry bla, bla, bla and that he is always there for her etc...

She hasn't said anything about it so I don't know what her response is I can only hope it helps a little.

i agreew ith others that say a neutral aduly would be the best in that she can say whatever she fel without having to feel loyal to anyone..so enabling her to totally let go..cams do have counsellors for similar problems ask your gp to be referred ..and give her space to come to you without pressure dont try and force the issue to much but always tell her and show her you love her unconditionally and youre always there for her to rant and rave if she needs or ask if there is someone else she woould like to talk openly with and that you can sort it out for her but its confidential and you wont ask what theyve talked about as im sure she would bw orried that stuff would get back to you .

bambio6 thanks for the advice. I ahve talked to dd about her counselling and she feels the school counsellor is helping. So I son't think i should be interfering and trying to get her to see someone else at the moment. I am trying not to put any pressure on her at the moment but she knows i am here for her.

I have put my foot down a bit this weekend about the amount of contact dd is having with bf but I can see she thinks I am an evil witch... she has at least done her homework and some revision and started sorting her stuff out for our move. She is very quiet and I am trying not to push it.

dd is incredibly distant at the moment can't help but think she is keeping something from me... realise this might just be a age in life thing ... but somehow think it is more than that

anorak, if you read this could you tell me how you dealt with your dd without being the heavy handed disciplinarian?

I am banging my head against a brick wall with dd and I think your point about having to step back may be relevant. Dd has been quite independent for a while and has experienced an awful lot for one so young. I am the only constant in her life and the only person who gives her boundaries but I am not sure I know how to step back. What if she really does stuff this year up? What if she really is on the road to a nervous breakdown?

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Sorry, Winnie, nothing to add but I just wanted to say how well I think you are dealing with this situation. I was faced with my parents' break up at her age and they didn't try and help me through it at all - it was really hard to go through and if my mum had done even half the things you're doing things between us would be so much better now.

I hope she feels better soon - and that you do too.

Thanks Pennies

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Took dd to the doctors today and she doesn't think dd is suffering from clinical depression but simply reacting to the miriad of sh*t that she is having to cope with. We are returning for a longer appointment and a chat about what, if anything, GP can refer dd for. I think it helped that gp said to dd that her fathers behaviour is utterly inappropriate thus backing me up and making dd realise I am not just saying it because of who he is (IYKWIM)

Also saw Hoy today... who was great. She really laid it on the line with dd. She was actually quite tough whilst being very understanding. She also pointed out to dd that she can still get the gcse grades she needs (if she starts putting in the effort). It will mean redoing a couple of pieces of course work, dropping non essential subjects and focusing. She also pointed out to dd how much work she needs to be doingand where she should be thinking of heading next year.

Dd came home from school and just got on with doing some work She has also talked to me about whats going on in her head (a bit)... so fingers crossed. I am feeling a little more positive tonight.

Winnie
so sorry to see you are both having to cope with so much awful stuff. Your dd has always sounded a fantastic girl - just as you sound to be a fantastic person. But she has had an awful lot to deal with for someone her age. You are the one constant in her life: she probably needs to push against you sometimes because she can't do it with anybody else. Probably terrifed you wont be there for her. How is she with her brother? Does she get some comfort from him being around?

I thought Anorak's advice was good: just sometime out for the two of you away from angst even if its only watching a daft film together.

How are you coping yourself?

Thanks Copper. I haven't seen your name on here for a while but these threads move so fast. Hope all is well.

I am ok. Concentrating on the children and moving house in two weeks! As a parent one has to get on with it (but that is good thing )