Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

Should I let my daughter come back or stay with her dad

19 replies

50000feet · 24/04/2011 16:51

My DD14 has been playing up for the last 9 months -skiving school, smoking, drinking, lying about where she is, stealing, has slapped me, spat at me swears at me etc etc... Have done all the school meetings, tried to get SS involved to no avail and have an appointment at camhs (been to one - waiting on next one).. Anyway she went to her dads for easter hols (he is not very well but she has her other brother there who is 27). Its the first time i have felt respite and instead of fire fighting everything she does i have sat and thought about the fact that she is out of control and she contols me and the rest of the household - brother and stepdad now hate her and argue all te time. Anyway I really dont want her to come home, should i hand her over to her dad, it means a change of schools and livinging the middle of nowhere with no friends..... these feeings make me feel guilty and a failure.....

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 24/04/2011 16:55

my dd is similiar....

the school change...is she gcse years yet or not? do you feel her friendship group near you is responsible in anyway for her behaviour?

Original poster

50000feet · 24/04/2011 17:03

gcse start after the summer hols - some of her friends are really nice (but still do the usual teen thing like sneak a smoke and a drink when hanging out in the park) but some friends are wild and are allowed to do anything like stay out all night and get really drunk and fighting and a lt older doing weed.

DD has had a few schools chags over the years - we have had to move around a lot (probably an underlying problem)

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 24/04/2011 17:05

well that what i was told when i managed to get a ss assesment.....the moves were blamed

i would think carefully. gcse subjects vary from school to school and sometimes the exam boards used differ and dont 'marry up' found this out with dd as she had a 'managed move' to a diff school last month. had to drop some subjects and catching up now in others. wrong time to move really

gillybean2 · 24/04/2011 17:19

Do you know for sure her dad would take her? And what if he did then change dhis mind/ Would you have her back.

Perhaps talk to her and say you've thought about it as an option and what does she think about it? It may affect her very badly if you reject her like this. I would get advice before you make this decision and also check with her dad (you said he was unwell - is that a temporary thing or does he have a long term illness?)

How far away is it that it will require a change of school? Perhaps what you needs is to have more regular breaks and can discuss her staying there for half term and a chunk of the summer as well as perhaps more often at weekends? You might feel/cope better knowing you were going to get more respite.

Original poster

50000feet · 24/04/2011 17:36

Her dad would take her but dont know how long he would cope with her - he is long term ill and gets short of breath - she has never gone for him like she has with me - too scared he gets stressed. She has a tantrum with him but goes to her room mostly.... he lives an hour away.

I have broached the subject with her and she does not want to stay at her dads as she can't see her friends - she has told me she will stay at mine whether i like it or not and that it is her choice by law, she says she doesn't want to see me and that she will go out and get drunk and do what she wants to do with her friends because thats what she wants to do. she told me i can't control her and she makes sure I know that she knows that i cant control her. (It came out at camhs that i have lost control of her and she uses that as a weapon against me and it seems to hav given her confidence to tell me what to do). She regularly tells me to piss off and get out the house.

OP posts:

cory · 24/04/2011 18:46

a couple of thoughts- not sure if they're helpful:

who is funding her drinking? (you may not be able to stop it, but you certainly don't have to pay for it)

when she says she will go out and get drunk regardless, where does she envisage the money coming from?

is she likely to fund her habit through stealing from others if you manage to ensure she can't get at your money? (and does she realise that you would not protect her from the consequences?)

do you think she is physically a risk to you? I mean would she really go for you? and have you made it clear that you would call the police if she did?

GypsyMoth · 24/04/2011 18:51

call the police if she gets violent.....we have,and it accesses better help too,ss are useless,camhs,limited

cut off her cash

you need to regain some controll somehow here,i know its obvious,but you do. how could you do that do you think?

Original poster

50000feet · 24/04/2011 19:03

I think she saves her dinner money up and uses that (and then tells me i starve her cause she is always hungry). Money went missing from me - we now keep all our purses/wallets locked up. If she is good she gets 4 pound pocket money a week so that probably goes towards it too. She has a clothing allowances where i take her shopping and pay for it.... I have called the police - trouble is her stepdad is a policeman and most of our friends are so she doesn't really respect them cause theycan't do anything. She has no empathy or idea of hierarchy (camhs assessment).

My biggest concern at the moment is that she thinks she 'controls me' and that a slap will put me back in my place. when she swears and then i ignore her - she thinks she has won cause her swearing has shut me up.

Now that she has told me she is coming back whethere i like it or not, its like she is dictating the rules and that I tow the line because she will get home.

OP posts:

Original poster

50000feet · 24/04/2011 19:11

I love Tiff - how do i think i could do that - by not letting her come home which is what i am swithering with? i guess i need to think of other ways too.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 24/04/2011 19:13

oh dear she is in charge isn't she.
Can you sit down and talk through how you expect to be treated and her behaviour etc. i.e. house rules together with the corresponding consequences. Also let her know that there are also rewards for good behaviour
When she does something that requires a consequence just do it the next day without telling her or drama or anything and just refer her to the list and don't engage.

I know it's easy for me to say this and you need to take a huge step back and not get angry with her just implement the reward/consequence thing with her reations so good luck

mathanxiety · 24/04/2011 19:36

What was the camhs assessment apart from what you've already mentioned or is that too private?

Some reading suggestions on being a parent to an out of control teen.

Original poster

50000feet · 25/04/2011 19:22

The camhs assessment was no empathy, mechanical attitude to relationships and that is it so far. we have further assessment in 2 weeks time. They said when confronted with authority like teachers who she does not like she would rather defeat them than listen to them.

Thanks for the link am going to do more reading now.....

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 26/04/2011 05:43

Do they suggest a personality disorder or is it just extreme teenage attitude you're dealing with?

mathanxiety · 26/04/2011 05:43

Mind you, I say 'just' but the situation sounds horrible.

EttiKetti · 29/04/2011 07:12

I'd leave her three, tell her why, tell her the "rules" for when and if she comes back to live with you and put the ball in her court.

I know it sounds harsh but I'm 3.5 years on from you in a similar situation and wish I'd done it years ago instead of fighting so hard to keep our family together, it made me ill and almost broke us. Pls pm me for more if you'd prefer xx

Original poster

50000feet · 29/04/2011 13:42

don't know anything else from camhs, hopefully will learn more in May at next appointment.

Got to the stage where her father told her she was staying there and to my surprise did not really get much of a reaction (only missing her friends on fb). But, since found out there is no space at the school so its back to square one.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 29/04/2011 15:19

You must be feeling at your wits end.

Original poster

50000feet · 26/05/2011 20:27

I have not been on here for a while but if your interested in an update, DD is staying at home as her father nearly died and is in hospital and will be for a long time. Camhs think DD has ASD, still trying to get my head around it all.....and need lots of sleep - if only

OP posts:

mich54321 · 26/05/2011 23:14

Hi 50000feet - feeling for you. Only just seen your thread so was going to suggest that she stayed with you for school and went to her father's Friday - Sunday for your respite. That doesn't look possible now. Has her behaviour changed since finding out about her father ? What about her older brother - would she listen to him if you had a family meeting/would he be willing to look after her say one weekend a month ? Perhaps you could have a meeting with you, SD, older brother (and father if possible) and DD where you all agree and set boundaries and consequences. If she feels part of the process and what is acceptable would she keep to the rules better ? The important thing is to have the rules in place and tell her in advance what will happen if she doesn't stick to them - and you need to enforce. No easy answer - all you can do is try your best.

Flip