Daughter owes money to drug dealer

[Downnotout]

my 17 year old DD has run away from home to live with her boyfriend. She is working but has got herself into a real mess with money. It turns out she was taking drugs and now owes a drug dealer £300 .
She has begged me to help her but she has told so many lies I don't know what to believe anymore.
We are an ordinary middle class family and the children went to private schools. We have a lovely home. She is living in a council flat with this boy with paper peeling off the Walls and bare floorboards. this boy has had a hard family life and has moved away from his family to try and make a fresh start. He knows about the drugs and has been trying to help her pay off the debt. They say the debt was from before she met him when she had got in with a bad crowd. He is trying to convince her to come home so that she can sort herself out. I have sat down with them both to try and talk to her and she just cries and says she won't come home. He said to her " look this is my life and I hate living like this but I don't have a choice. You do. " but she won't listen.
She says she needs to pay this dealer tomorrow. Or there will be trouble. Obviously I can't just give her the money- I don't trust her. But I'm so scared about what's happening to her that I don't know what to do. Another problem being that the dealer knows where we live and that we have money. I have another young child here and I don't want these dealers coming anywhere near us.
My husband is ready to disown her completely but I just can't. She's my daughter, I love her, no matter how horrible she is and how disgusted I am by her behaviour.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. This is my first post. It's all getting me down and I don't know who else to turn to.

How about the police? Contact your local station and tell them what is happening.

If you start giving your daughter money now it will be a slippery slope. She wont learn consequences, she will continue this drug fueled way of life and will stoop to whatever it takes to 'score', knowing that you will bail her out when needed.

Sounds harsh? Yes, but after lots and lots of heartache with a family member I know how this scenario will probably end.

I wish I had some good advice for you. I only have horror stories of my own which wont help you right now.

Only that if you bail her out this time, she will keep coming back to you to be bailed out. My own experience has left me with 13k debt, my dad with debts of 30k.

what kind of drugs is this for?

Absolutely don't give her money The drug dealer story is a classic used my many to get more drug money. I have experience of this with my brother who was always doing this

I dont have teenagers so will prob give rubbish advice but I would be tempted to pay it, you (no offence intended) sound like you can afford it with any problem

Do you trust her bf enouh to give him the money to pay it?

I would be a bit suspicious that she owes a drug dealer £300 - what kind of drugs are we talking about?

Unless she was supposed to be selling drugs on for a dealer, it seems unlikely that someone would let a 17 year old have that much on credit!

Thanks all.
The reason for running away was she left sixth form after Christmas. She was at boarding school but decided she wasn't coping with her a/s levels. She had missed a lot of the beginning of her course because of an emergency appendix operation and subsequent infection. Also my father died in the summer- I was caring for him here at home and it was a difficult time for all of us.
She has a place at a very prestigious college in September that has been her dream since she was a child. She has done so well to get accepted there. I think it's all the pressure and she just couldn't cope.
I'm scared that she will end up throwing everything away because she's so mixed up. It's as if she's angry with us and is self destructing.

go and pay the drug dealer yourself. make it clear that if he ever supplies her with drugs again you will go to the police.

could you have DD and her boyfriend at home with you?

My advice would be to call the police. They will advise you what you should do.

Totally irrelevant that her boyfriend has had a tough life. Not everyone who has has not been able to afford a decent flat. Also totally irrelevant that your daughter went to private school and you have money.

I only said that we have money because that is why the dealer let her have so much. Everyone round here knows us and I think he thought she was an easy target. She thought these people were her friends. Sadly she doesn't understand the value of £300. that is our fault, I know.
The boyfriends past is relevant because she says she's trying to help him ( when in reality she's dragging him down further). He thinks she's a poor little rich girl playing at it. To be fair he seems like a really nice lad and I've nothing against him. In fact he's proving to be our best ally in this.

She is working two jobs and has been since January. That's why she has been able to get herself into this- because it's the first time she's had her own money. We were making her save £100 a week and she still had plenty left when she lived at home.In the last 3 weeks her hours have been cut back drastically so she's suddenly having to manage on £80 a week. Getting to and from work On the bus costs her£30 of that. She's already paid the dealer £200 back but still owes another £300. I think they saw her coming.

Oh and cocaine I think. Though it does seem hard to believe she got through that amount on her own without us noticing in 2 months.

You poor thing. Do you know what sort of drugs she has been taking? I do think it is significant that you 'have money'. I think paying them dealer yourself sounds good. NOT giving her the money. Gives the wrong impression of your purse.

Perhaps if you posted in chat or relationships you would get more traffic from EX-parents of teenagers, who may have gone through the same.

I really feel for you, any one of us could be int he position you are now faced with and what would we do.

My first thought is make sure she has food, so giving food rather than cash.

I am really not sure about calling the police, the reason being that I don't know what help thy will be - what would you expect the police to do?

I have been in the position myself where by working in a pub and had a drug dealer dealing in the pub garden over a bank holiday weekend. We called the police to tell them we had this dealer and could they come to the pub. The police replied with "what do you want us to come for what would we do?

So perhaps my view is scewed - I don't know.

My other reason for not calling police is getting my dd's name to them as a user, its a catch 22 in a lot of ways and could do more harm than good.

The dealer may well keep putting the price up a bit like a loan shark - even if you pay some off the price will go up again as they want to keep her within their claws. I doubt she did get through that much

I think I would offer support, but nothing more than support and food, then some more support and by support an ear to listen and not to much talking

Oh no, what a horribly difficult situation. The silver lining should be that her bf sounds like a very sensible boy who truly wants the best for her.

I would second the suggestion that you make you going with her to pay the drug dealer a condition of giving her the money.

Then just keep trying to get to the bottom of why she's behaving like this. If it's the pressure of school, maybe make it clear that you won't mention school or push her to decide anything until she's ready if she comes home, and they it's an unconditional offer of a roof over her head with love and support.

Tell her to come home to live with you and the boyfriend, even if it is just temporary. Pay off the dealer, don't make a thing or it. Make sure she gets back and you can get her into rehab ASAP. It sounds as if the boyfriend may be of some help to you, he needs to be involved for this to succeed.