Mum/daughter help/advice needed...

[Mel1999]

Ive always had a very good relationship with my daughter whose recently turned 19, we've had a few ups and downs in the last 2 yrs but nothing major. Im also disabled and have a carer three days a week. Im very aware of NOT putting on my daughter and she stays at her boyfriends 3 nights out of 7. When she is a at home shes incredibly lazy and getting her to do anything or help around the home (its just me and her) is sometimes so hard i just end up doing stuff myself people tell me shes spoilt and i need to be tougher but ive found it difficult as shes an only child (i lost 4 before her) and her dad left when she was 6.

I have a temper on me so try to stay calm when dealing with her when shes pushign my buttons i ask her to leave my room while i calm down then we talk things through afterwards, lately ive sensed a "resentment" from her whenever shes asked to do anything. I need to point out at this point on the 4 days shes here shes asked to wash up in the evening.. put the bins out maybe twice a week and put the hoover round on a sunday, today i asked her to go and top up our electic/gas meters at 1130 by 1.45pm she still wasnt out of bed (shes had an ear infection, shes been at college for 2yrs and was supposed to go to uni in sept but now tells me she dosent want too so ive told her she has to get a job in that case) so i went off and did it myself when i got back she was like "sorry" and i said i was sick of always having to beg her over and over to do stuff, it blew up into an alight row, with her saying she was sick of me asking her to do stuff i dont apreciate her etc etc (the above things apart from keep her room clean are all shes asked to do) when i asked her to tell me what else shes epxcted to do she said "when yo ask me to get youa drink when i know you can get one yourself" (shes referring to after ive cooked trhe evening meal and sat down) it came across as her being very resentful of me.

I run her here there and everywhere, even when im in a lot of pain and sick, to ehr boyfriends every sunday and when they row and she calls me in tears at midnight at a party i go and get her whereever she is, i tell her everyday how smart she is, she can do anything she wants, i tell ehr shes loved and try to cuddle her (but shes not very affectionate so ive stopped the attempted cuddles a long time ago) and how pretty she is how proud of her i am etc..takin her shopping buying her things and leaving nothing for myself..but today it all got thrown back in my face and i called her an ungrateful bitch she then started screaming (something shes never done before) about how she cant take it anymore ive pushed her too far and the reason shes been staying at her bf/s is because she cant take me making her do everything and the way i speka to her this has shocked me to the core, as i dont think hoovering once a week, washing up when shes here and keeping her room tidy is very much she then told me none of her friends have to do anything there mums wouldnt dream of calling their daughters a bitch she couldnt cope ive pushed her too far and shes leaving and with that she packed bags walked out and has gone to live at her boyfriends.

I dont know what to do now, i dont wan tto contact her as im angry and hurt but also worried about her... she has a doctors appt (specialist) weve waited 2 mths to see for her ear at 6om and im worried now shes not attended it (as i run her everywhere usually) i have no idea what to do say next? my family say this has been coming for a while that she takes advantage, ehr dad is in america and she vists him every summer and he has very simialr issues with her last yr and i defended her to the hilt as she'd never been like that with me, now she has and i dont know what to do? sorry for the long rant but i needed to talk to someone, any ideas please? thank you for reading xxxxx

Mel....so sorry this is happening. I'm not great at this stuff, my daughter is 13 and hard work sometimes, but I don't like to think of this being unanswered...What you are asking of her is perfectly reasonable IMHO. If you could bear it, could you just let her cool off for a while? From what you say, she's tried this at her dad's as well, maybe the boyfriend won't tolerate her issues in the same way....does he live with his mum, or on his own? Can you just make sure she is there, and safe, and leave her to it for a while? Eventually she is going to realise she can't get everything done for her, hopefully this will be soon...

thank you sloggies, yeah ive checked shes at the boyfriends who lives with his mum, im worried about how badly they might percieve me as im sure shes not telling them the whole story but im sitting on my hands and leaving her to get on with it, she hurt me earlier so i need to try and stop being a doormat she just made me feel like such a bad mum, when in reality i KNOW im not :(

She's 19, and old enough to pull her weight. I think you should let her know that she can return when she wants but that she will have to pull her weight as an adult in the house, but that if she prefers to live elsewhere you will still love her and support her.

Mel, I'm sorry you're having these problems. I wonder if it is just time for her to fly the nest? 19 isn't a child any longer. You shouldn't be having to give her set chores. If she and you live there it should be par for the course that if one of you cooks, the other washes. Or that on a Sunday she should run the hoover round. The fact that you are unwell should mean that she will automatically take on a little more than you.
She is an adult now. As for telling you that none of her friends parents would expect them to do X, Y, Z, when I and most of my friends were 19 we had moved out and were doing ALL of these things for ourselves.

I moved back in to my mum's at 20 years old, having left at 16, and it was awful. Mum wanted me to do things around the house, which was fine, but the fact she wanted them done on her time schedule was just suffocating. Luckily I moved out again after a couple of months or I think our relationship would have broken down completely!

Does she have a friend she could house share with? I think you need some distamce between you. I doubt she has ran you down to her boyfrineds parents in anyway. Even if she has, if the mum is decent she will have set her striaght! Do you get on well with the woman? could you talk to her?

To me, she seems as if she actually needs to start adult life on her own. It does sound as if you are still thinking of her as a child to be looked after by you (reminded of doctor's appointments etc); I certainly couldn't have coped with this when I was 19- I needed to get a long way away from my family and make my own mistakes. At 19 she really should be making her own medical appointments and be in charge of getting there herself. If I were you, I would start nudging her to move out, if not this term, then certainly when she leaves college.

And if she can't find anywhere to live, then you need to have a calm discussion where you accept that she is now an adult and officially responsible for her life, but she accepts that she has the usual responsibilities of a lodger, i.e. either paying rent, clearing up after herself in communal areas (I would not nag about her room, as that is her space) and that she has to do the usual things that adults do- sort out her own appointments and transport- because that is part of the deal.

Mel, I wouldn't worry about what boyfriend's mum thinks....she may well start irritating them too!