12 year old dd acts like a brat!

[star1976]

My 12 yr old dd has never had pocket money but if wants something she has generally got it (like the odd dvd or cd or something). However, she started secondary school in September and wanted to be out with friends a lot and seemed to constantly want money so decided that pocket money would be better.

Me and her step dad talked about it and decided that her and my SS would get £10 pocket money each a week if they did a few chores and other things. For DD all it is is keeping room tidy, doing homework as soon as gets in, tidying garden and living room if needed once minded kids have left (although they mostly tidy it themselves anyway), feeding cats before 9pm and being in pj's and in room by 9pm. Extra money to be earned if extra chores completed, such as cleaning car, helping cook, etc.

Well DD has so far earned £10! In 4 weeks!

She is going to france with school in July for which I have paid £240 and I told her she needed to pay for spending money herself. And we are going on a family holiday in September which she needs to save for, but she just doesn't seemto be trying at all. I have told her that I refuse to give her spending money and she will go with nothing.

She is so rude to me sometimes and does nothing to help me or anyone else, just seems to be so selfish! I am so close to losing my rag with her, I just don't know what to do!

I'm sorry, no advice - just marking my place... I have the same query!

When anyone finds the answer, I hope they come back and tell me! This is difficult, and something I struggle with. DD is 13. She gets pocket money, dependent on a (very) small amount of hoovering (her room and the stairs) and feeding her pets every morning. I think they have difficulty at that age thinking about saving for things in the future, like holidays. Sometimes dd gets cheques at Christmas, and I put some of those in her account, and give her some spends for holidays out of this. She also gets the odd tenner from relatives, I get her to use some of this for topping her PAYG mobile up, but I match it if she puts £10 on, eg. I don't think any of them want to help in the house. I didn't want to at that age, just did it and sulked a bit...

Thanks, at least I know that I am not the only one!

I would plan on giving her a fiver as spending money in France. I'd view it as part of my costs, not hers. A fiver will be pretty derisory compared to what other kids there have, but not leave her utterly bitter that she had nothing.

Marking my place as my eldest DD (12) is exactly the same.

I really struggle to keep to the whole, "you havent done your chores so no pocket money" thing, in particular when it comes to trips etc the same as you. I just couldn't send her with nothing at all, we had no money at all when I was growing up to the extent that I use to hide letters about school trips from my mum because I knew she couldn't afford them. I didn't want that for my children so even though I'm a single mum I still scrimp and go without (like all parents) so they don't.
Its just so frustrating when you are happy to give pocket money and all they have to do is the absolute bare minimum by way of chores, but they can't be bothered to do even that :(

I wouldn't dream of not giving the DDs spending money for a school trip. Why ruin an expensive school trip in this way?

She's 12, she probably isn't thinking longterm about the school trip anyway and she is probably banking on your better nature to supply spending money for the trip. After all would you really be happy to humiliate her in front of her friends and teachers by sending her without any money?
She is growing up and she needs her own money to make her own choices because it's part of the learning curve to being an adult.
Personally I don't link pocket money to chores anyway because I think that it's a necessity for a 12 year old to have their own money so mine would get pocket money regardless.
They also have chores that need doing because we are a team and we all muck in together.
If they wanted extra money then they could do extra chores so dd would do the ironing for a tenner and ds would cut the grass.
If you think chores and pocket money should be linked how about giving her £5 regardless of the chores and another £5 if the chores are completed?
I'd also start putting money aside for the trip because she will need money and I can't imagine that her teachers will be impressed at having to sub her.

My 14 year old DD is the same - money doesn't seem to act as an incentive at all. I give her an allowance of £25 every month (all I can afford) which is dependent on her taking out the recycling daily, running odd errands to the corner shop without losing her rag when asked, and putting her clean washing away properly... Well, she'd clearly rather sit on her arse watching endless re-runs of Friends, so rarely keeps to her side of the deal. After endless rows some negotiation, we have come to an agreement. She gets a certain amount of pocket money (£10/month) which is not dependent on her behaviour/helpfulness, but the additional £15 has to be earned. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times she's tried to earn that extra money.

The result of this is that she always has some money, albeit not much, as you can't really expect them to have nothing at all, but she is also learning that money needs to be 'earned' and housework needs to be contributed to.

Could this work for you OP?

I have a dd aged 12 too. She has been told she can earn 5 pounds a week if she keeps her room clean and tidy. She has never done it. She relies on birthday money etc. On Friday i told her she could help me do the garden and she would earn 10 pounds. She said "no thanks" and i told her it wasnt negotiable! It worked. She did it and has 10 pounds.

Dh and I have agreed that if she wants mags etc she buys them herself.

She has received a mediocre school report, she asked for World of Warcraft account and was told no until she works hard at school.

I personally don't link pocket money with chores, but the pocket money I give is less than many on here. So 11 year old gets £3.50 a week plus we top up her mobile (within reason) when she needs it - we double whatever she is spending on credit, which seems to keep it within a sensible limit. Grandparents usually give the kids a couple of pounds each too when they visit.

However we do buy all her (essential) clothes and give her money for school trips and things on top of that. She has her own account and pays birthday and xmas money into it as well and I have to say she is pretty good at saving - there is usually £50 plus in there.

My expectation of chores is that they are a part of everyday life and the kids should not expect reward for doing them. I don't give them set chores but they know that when I ask for help I expcet them to give it - 11 year old will be asked to do things like put own and younger siblings clean clothes away, wash/dry up, make simple meals (eg sandwiches for lunch, cereals for breakfast....), a bit of hoovering and dusting........

What I find works well is to give them a choice about chores - so I might let the eldest know that the washing up needs doing and the lounge needs hoovering and ask which she would prefer to do. I also find that she quite likes to do things for her siblings, so asking her to get the baby dressed and toddler dressed will be much better received than asking her to wash and dry up.

I think it's about give and take. I accept that sometimes the kids are tired or have other things to do (don't we all!) and accept that some jobs they prefer to others. I always thank them for their help but on the flip side, refusal to do a job when asked will result in being given an extra job to do as well. and I find that approach is pretty effective.

My DD (nearly 12) gets £5 per week pocket money paid into her account. She knows it will be stopped if we have any bad behaviour (has been a couple of times). I collect her mobile phone when she goes to bed at 9pm and she gets it back when she has finished her homework/tidying the next day. This is a BIG incentive for her, as she can't possibly live without her phone. She of course thinks this is terribly unjust, but I do sense a little bit of respect starting to creep in, as I have finally managed to show some consistency.

I had to do chores around the house (dishwasher, feed dog, get up for school keep room tidy) for £5 a week aged 12. And my mum made me pay half for school trips. Basically, if I owed her £100, it was 20 weeks of chores! If I had a birthday Xmas then it was a relief. Grandparents used to give me spends for the trip, as long as I'd paid my half. Otherwise, mum added whatever she gave me to whatever I owed.

My DD has to do chores for her spends. She cleans the rabbit hutch, strips and makes her bed and tidies her room for £5 per week. It teaches them good work ethic and shows you don't get money for nothing. She can top up by doing the pots/other chores so can earn more if she wants (doesn't normally bother!). If she wants something whilst we are out (magazine/CD etc) she has to buy these herself with her own money. I pay for clothes, school trips and spending money for school related items. I do the same as HSMM - she gives me her mobile phone when she comes in from school and gets it back when homework/jobs are done - that really gets her motivated and has really helped her focus on completing her chores. I really think that if I didn't do this she would do nothing !
If I was star1976, I think I would give spending money for school trip as this is part of the expense/experience of going away on own (even if it was a small amount eg £15-£20 for emergencies like drinks/phone calls, just enough so she has some money), but explain that if she wants to buy "treats" on the school trip/ family holiday, she has to save this money herself . That way she knows that you aren't going to be a soft touch and give her loads of spending money, and she has the chance of saving up if she wants.