My son dropped the bombshell and I don’t know how to help

[Relaxmum]

Today my son called to meet me and told me he is dropping from Uni because that was not what he wants and had enough. I?ve seen him very unhappy and not enjoying it at all. I don?t stop from regretting for pushing him a lot and he is very ,lonely, finds it difficult to be in social situation and very emotional. I suggested counselling he completely refused and My main priority is to help him emotionally but as I was so focussed to put him through to Uni previously he didn?t want to take help from me. I?m at loss. Want to help so much and feel so guilty for pushing him to this point. All I want is my son to feel ok but what can I do to make him agree to get help? Please help I?m at loss and don?t know what to do

it's not cool to like english if you're a boy, though. good for him if he's gone off to uni and seen that there isn't quite so much conformity required.

the business studies dept were gutted when i walked out, as i'd already got firsts on the modules i'd taken. but it made me want to pull my own tonsils out. the thought of doing that for the rest of my life was enough to send me into a downward spiral, however good at it i was.

these things take time.

hope you have a lovely and relaxing easter!

Feeling cheered by this thread - DS just dropped out of sixth form ,was due to take A2's in July .
Plus I'm a bit worried that we'll be in same situation this time next year and he'll be quitting his Foundation Degree - so it's a relief to hear we're not the only ones .
I so sympathise Relaxmum with your feelings about being a poor parent .
I certainly feel a failure - not because DS not getting qualifications but because of failure to guide them them through ,help them be happy and confident .
Will be thinking of you this weekend ,it's great he's coming home and I'm sure you'll be a help to him ,just by being his mum .

I was horribly, horribly miserable during my first year at university and seriously consideredx dropping out.
When the girl in the room next to me did I was so tempted to follow her.
It got sooo much better in the last term.
The girl who dropped out went home, re-grouped and started again at another university is now happy and sorted.
All this talk of minimum wage and a bedsit sounds like depression to me, I don't think he means it. I am sure if you can address that his future is still bright.

Thank you for the support, From a week of annual leave I went back to work and it helped to take my mind off. I got a call from him and reassure me he knows what his doing and he spoke to the advice centre how will his finacial situation will be if he wants to return to Uni. He also said he is worried about me and said he needs to do this and gratful for the encouragment ( the push) as he will always have good A level to fall back to. Still won't rest until he sorted his social anxiety. All I want like any mothers is his wellbeing.

susie100 I know he doesn't mean it wrt bedsit, as he is very competative and loves learning, I also think it is depression or anxiety. Hope he will cooperate and see GP.

You sound like a fantastic mum. He does know what he's doing, but it may well be that he doesn't fully understand why he feels like doing it (if that makes sense?). I'm in my third year of a 4 year degree which I have hated every second of, and I am no good at, but I was too proud to switch in the first year and by the second year I felt I had left it too late. One of my friends took a gap year, dropped out in her first year and has had 6 months stressing but is now enrolled on a vocational course starting in September. I think she's the bravest person I know right know because in my experience it is HARD to drop out. It's not a decision he will have made lightly and even if eventually he realises it wasn't the most sensible choice, he will hopefully understand the reasons why he's making the choices he is making, and also realise how lucky he is to have you.

For what it's worth, my boyfriend persuaded me to go to a doctor who diagnosed me with mild anxiety and moderate depression (which I think sounds normal for pretty much everyone under pressure) and referred me for counselling which really helped. My parents still don't know about it because I thought it would upset them - he may decide to get help by himself and just not tell you. I know that seems hard but for me at least it's a way of trying to protect my parents.

Trust him and support him like you are doing and he will work himself out eventually. Be grateful he has found something he wants to do and is willing to pick himself up and try again.

A little breaks through or he is already regretting??? DS1 just informed me, he will not drop out but will defer his place for a year or back to it next January depending on what will happen between now and then; job wise or change of course. I think my calm reaction gave him space to think independently or panicky for this decision (thank you every one for your advice and support, I could have made the matter worse by getting frustrated and showed my disappointment).

I now conformed it is some sort of depression which makes him to hide or runaway, not only the subject choice . Any ways, he had to talk to the faculty on Tuesday, I hope he makes the right decision for him and get help for his anxiety. It is to late to sit for exam as he wasn't prepared.

Sorry he's depressed relaxmum ,but glad he's talking to uni .
Deferring sounds a more considered choice .
Well done for keeping calm !

Ok , he didn?t drop out but deferred his place for a year. And make it clear to me not to hope that he will go back. I?m dreading a year of worry and stress, I have no any strength to face it .he is still looking for low paid job, including cleaning and never cleaned his room properly, ahhhh.

That's good news relaxmum. Hope things work out well for him, and on the bright side he might learn how to clean his room properly!

Glad to hear there's some good news there, relaxmum.
Our son has just had the same conversation with us and is dropping out of uni. He doesn't want to defer or go elsewhere but wants to try to get a job and find a flat with his girlfriend - there's nothing hopeful or heartening about any of his prospects but he will not continue in education, it seems. Somehow we have to work out how he gets out of the lease he has signed for a flat for next year at his uni town or it could be a very expensive year.

< heart goes out to you emoticon > AuntGertrude.

Have you tried asking in the legal bit of MN www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters about the lease ?

Guess uni is not for everyone , it does seem to be a rather unthinking conveyor belt of school - exams - more exams - uni .
I don't think the kids get much chance to reflect ,and they're so young ..
At least your Ds has given it a go - might all be for best in long run
Good Luck with it all .

Looking at it from your son's point of view, if he really hates uni, the best thing he can do is leave it and go in search of something he does want to do.

I went to uni for a year, really didn't get on with the course, and failed my first year. Uni invited me to repeat the year, which I considered, but I got a temp job in the summer holidays which turned permanent, so I declined and dropped out of uni.

The following year, because I had a job I managed to buy a (cheap) flat (I was 20 at the time), which I then sold and bought a house which I now rent out. No way could I have done that had I stayed at uni.

That job led to another, which led to another, and 11 years on I am now working for myself doing what I love, comfortably supporting our family of four, knowing that leaving uni was one of the best decisions I ever made.

It's not for everyone - and your son leaving doesn't make him a failure - there's no reason he couldn't make it for himself if he wanted to enough - it's only a bit of paper at the end of the day.

It's important to note that my parents were behind me all the way through the decision I made as although they had expected me to go to uni, they realised it wasn't for me - so the more you are behind your son and understand and reassure him that you are behind whatever decision he makes, it will help no end.

Hope this helps!

Oh - and just as an aside - why do you think he needs counselling? There is probably nothing wrong with him, he's just not in a place where he feels he can shine. Suggesting he go to counselling is probably the worst thing he could hear right now.

reading with interest as just had a call this afternoon from school re ds1 who has apparently announced he doesn't want to sit his AS exams even though he has good predictions. They are worried, I am worried, but from reading mn looks like its a familiar scenario

I'm really sorry to hear that AuntGertrude, as everyone said Uni is not for everyone, but for us parents it is painful to see them "miss out" on an opportunity especially with tough economic climate. I haven't got any knowledge of terminating rent contract. Just support him , and be there when needed.

My DS is going through a range of emotions at the moment . First he was sad and looked given up and angry, then relieved and very upbeat and full of hopes, now he seems regretting, worry and revising options or probably reflecting on what to do next.

I was also going through difficult emotions and thanks to wise MNetters, now I?m just there to support him when needed and listen, very hard when all you want is decide for them.

WellyTop, I suggested counselling for his isolation not to his decision, but you are right it was related to his decision rather than having any problem.

eatyourveg, Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, it could be exam nerve try to calm him and relax this weekend.

Hi my dd was not ready for A levels and university and is now going to go back to education at 22. We accepted it and did not push. We helped her through her GCSE's and she got very good grades and is not daft but it was not the time for her at 16 to further her education.l She is now ready to study and hopefully will come through with something that she wants to do and will achieve results. She has worked for the family business for three years but it is not what she really wants to do. Maybe now she dd is more mature she will suceed and study harder. Just be there for support and help your ds to realise that sometimes we do not want to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives untill we are much older. I myself did not decide on the real path I wanted untill I was in my 30's. You ds needs to know that you support him whatever decision he makes as at the moment your approval is really all he needs. You might not like the decisons he makes but you cannot live his life for him - give ds a hug and tell him it is OK you love and will be there for him.

When my younger sis went off to uni she was unhappy almost straight away, it wasn't the right course or the right place. She ended up giving up her course and coming back home at around Easter. We were all worried and convinced it was the wrong decision. She came home and did a series of crappy jobs whilst making some decisions. She then went off to a completely different uni with a different course and was very happy and finished her degree. I can't imagine how unhappy she would have been if we had managed to convince her to sit it out at the first university. I hope your son has come to a decision you are both happy with.

My DD is just finishing her first year at Uni.. and it has nearly destroyed her..she has gone from being a happy confident person to a a withdrawn anorexic from stress. (loves her course but has been badly bullied by flat mates) I almost wish my DD WOULD drop out but she is determined and we have to try and help he become a little less unwell over the summer

My younger DD is yr 12 currently and very undecided about whether to even apply or not and I'm not pushing her. There is ALWAYS time to try, or not, to wait and work.. there is no law that say if you don't like it at 18 that's the end.

I think you are very sensible Mum and your son will find his own way...:)

Thanks everyone! He didn?t dropout, he deferred his place for a year while he tries out his options. I?m supporting him as much as I can, I just hope he finds job soon. EndoftheroadMum and Hangingbellyofbabylon thank you for insight, It is good to know there is light in the end of the tunnel. Medusa sorry to hear your DD?s unhappy time, admiring her determination to stick with it, I hope she will have a nice break.

Please keep after him to be screened for depression.

Can I suggest that he does, as a temp job, some tutoring of children who are studying maths and English GCSEs and perhaps A levels. He can do this in their own home with a parent present. He should charge less than a teacher but could still charge around £10 per hour to help with revision. This might be a good source of income over the summer too.

It's rather good for confidence too.

Hi everyone

I just want to update (rather rant) about DS. He came home we talked and I saw my wrong doing in his life but he thinks all is my fault. He got part time job as waiter and complaining already. I stopped reacting and I'm trying so hard not to involve. But He keeps threatening that he will move and reduce contact with me or his siblings as this is best for him. It breaks my heart and it makes me sick. He is very angry and watch every move or word I say. I don't know what to do, just want to curl up and see or hear nothing. We live in london and he can't afford to move out yet. very worried and hurt.

There does come a time when all you can do is listen - may be until now he has just been doing stuff he knows pleases you and getting into a different environment he has now discovered this not enough. He sounds passionate about what he wants to do, feeling you are doing the wrong thing in life can make you feel very depressed. This generation are under a continuous exam stress and have little time to think properly what else is out there. Show him you trust his judgement on this, carry on loving and supporting him, take the pressure off if you can even if you think it's all madness. You may find this is where his happiness lies and therefore yours.