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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

miserable, spoilt, horrible DD

11 replies

DarlaDoll · 17/04/2011 12:50

sorry, 1st thread- i've been lurking on this forum for months.

at my wits end with seventeen year old DD. she's an only child and eighteen in a few weeks, but she's miserable all of the bloody time. she's very bright, should be getting 3 As and she's off to uni in september- but she is so SO SO unpleasant to be around.

she prances around with a ridiculous in-pain look on her face, never smiles, rude tone of voice even when saying please + thank you. i get one word answers to everything, and she only really talks to me to complain about stuff. i can deal with her being a sourpuss but she's started to get really rude and snappy at the slightest thing. when i confront her about her tone of voice she'll go all kevin-the-teenager and reply 'then don't talk to me!' if i tell her off about her room being messy and how she shouldn't expect me to do it then she'll say 'i'm not asking you to!'

what really set me off today was, she came back from a house party stinking of drink with her usual miserable face on and just comes to sit with me in the garden. we're throwing an 18th for her and i made sure she knew that it was a 'family thing' too and i'm not having all her friends just stood in a corner- but also that i won't expect her to take any responsibility for the toddlers and children that will be present- i got 'WELL, YOU SAY THAT, BUT ON THE NIGHT YOU'LL BE TELLING ME TO PLAY ON THE PS3 WITH THEM. I DON'T WANT TO BABYSIT LOADS OF KIDS' Angry i was fuming, i just told her she should be glad she's getting a bloody party and how spoilt she is and how lucky she is that we're quite lenient cool parents. i went a bit OTT, i will admit and just started screaming at her about her general miserable, spoilt, childish, rude demeanor about everything. ......

and guess what i got? 'DON'T TALK TO ME.'

i'm really worried at this change in her, she was never really this horrible. i want to know whats going on but she doesn't tell me anything. when i try and guess, is it your friends? a boy your seeing? she just gets even more vexed at me.

i don't know why i bother. i'd be happy just shutting her up in her smelly bedroom and 'not talking to her'

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 17/04/2011 12:52

There's the problem; 'we're quite lenient and cool parents'.
Fwiw, she sounds like a normal teenager to me. Don't underestimate the pressure she's under, getting 3 As is a big ask, and presumably she's worried about this, wether she admits it or not.

usualsuspect · 17/04/2011 12:57

hmm ...maybe you should let her have her own party for her 18th and stop nagging about her room

Original poster
DarlaDoll · 17/04/2011 12:57

we are lenient in the sense she wears what she wants, goes to parties, holidays, can drink- whereas a lot of the parents around here are stricter.

we def keep in her check in terms of curfews and chores and stuff though- and she usually abides to our rules with a huff and a puff.

cannot bear to even look at her though, i've told her to stay in her room because her shitty attitude is bringing me down! Angry

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 17/04/2011 12:58

I don't think you can enforce curfews on an 18 year old really

Original poster
DarlaDoll · 17/04/2011 12:59

she's not 18 yet. and it's a curfew of 3am unless she's staying at someones house.

and sorry- but i will complain about her bedroom, it's my bloody house and i don't want it to be a complete shit tip.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 17/04/2011 13:03

'i don't know why i bother. i'd be happy just shutting her up in her smelly bedroom and 'not talking to her'
That's exactly what you ARE doing. Stop being so authoritarian, you don't deserve a medal for letting her pick her own clothes you know. Maybe she just doens't want a family party for her 18th? I'd have been horrified at the idea. I don't htink you're actually as lenient as you make out. It seems you're happy for her to do what she wants, as long as it's what you want too.

blondebutonlyfaking · 17/04/2011 13:06

One of mine wanted a family party with friends there too.

The other wanted a friends only.

Maybe you should do what she wants - it's her 18th, maybe a party with her mates, and a family dinner the weekend after?

And sorry but you aren't cool parents. No-one's parents are.

You may think you're cool.

I can guarantee she doesn't think you're cool.

voice of bitter experience

Original poster
DarlaDoll · 17/04/2011 13:13

no- she wants a family/friends party. she's the one who asked for it, i was a bit like '...you sure?' at first but she was adamant that she wanted everyone she loved there to celebrate her birthday.

and i don't mean 'cool' in like a down with the kids way- but quite collected and relaxed...not like regina's mum in mean girls :P

OP posts:
Watertight · 17/04/2011 14:26

I think it's probably a good idea for you to give each other a wide berth for the rest of the day. Take time out to think about where you are and what you want (bare minimum requirements) from your relationship going forward. You might find it helpful to write it all out to get it clear in your head.

At some point, when you are both calm, you clearly need to talk. I'd start by telling her that you love her very, very much and that you are sad that your relationship has diminished to the point that it has. That this is not all your dreamed of for you and your lovely daughter. That you want to look at what you can both do to find the middle ground and find ways of living together, communicating and so on that are acceptable to both of you. Apologise for anything you have said or done that is out of order. Hopefully she may grudgingly admit that her behavior has also not been perfect and, encouraged by your example, may apologise too.

As concerns that party, specifically, what you have planned may not, in fact, be what she wants at all. Perhaps you could offer to look at this and perhaps start again by asking her first what she would like. You don't have to agree to anything (huge teenage party in your house, for example) that isn't acceptable to you but she may surprise you by just wanting a small gathering (think about what numbers would be acceptable to you) with her friends at home and to have a get-together with the family and relations another day. How about Friday night - supper and a few drinks at your house, max number 14 (?) and you and your other half make yourselves scarce for the evening. Then on the Sunday, have a lunch-time get-together with all the family and relatives and perhaps just her best-friend/ boyfriend too?

Take a deep breath though... No-one said that parenting teenagers is a walk in the park - this is a massive learning curve and no-one gets it right all of the time. This is just another lesson, or "development opportunity" (as my old boss used to call a monumental cock-up).

Watertight · 17/04/2011 14:31

Sorry Darla, just seen that you've posted that she does, in fact, want a party with family and friends. I'd still check in with her on this though, maybe she's changed her mind now that it's getting closer. Maybe she's starting to feel uncomfortable about it and doesn't know if or how to stop the plans this far down the line? Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew?

hocuspontas · 17/04/2011 14:38

Well I think you need to go with the flow. A-levels are serious stuff, school is nearly over and life as she knows it is coming to an end. Lots of changes, trepidation, pressure, friends moving on etc

Regarding the party, tell her you are rethinking it and what would she actually like? Dd1 went to a restaurant with 20 friends - we just picked up the tab.

Messy room - normal I'm afraid! When dd1 left for uni in September we discovered crockery we'd forgotten we had. Yuk! And the dust!

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