Stroppy, exhausting 16 yo ds - reassurance that I will survive!

[BerniW]

Hi. New to Mumsnet but finding 16 yo ds really hard going atm, so wanted some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing with him before I loose my mind!

Got 18 yo ds who is an easy pleasure. Both boys brought up the same happy way - but sooo different. Finding it hard to find positives in ds 2 which upsets me, as I feel we're in downward spiral.

He not a bad boy. Never been in trouble with police, school etc, but he does lie alot when it suits him (hiding school report, even though not that bad!,). I think he smokes. Most of his friends do, found lighters etc in his room and he stinks of it. He denies it. Not keen on his friends (not ambitious types!) and smoke and drink a lot. Worried that the smoking is not just cigs. Lay down quite strict rules about going out - Sat and Fri only back at 11 (he is always home on time). Complete lack of ambition - won't revise for GCSEs much atm. Very untidy and "Kevin" like. I think he helps himself to an odd tenner from my purse when he feels like it (denies it).

Is all this normal? Will he just outgrow it, or do I need to keep on his case during sixth form and A levels - (I feel like a real nag a lot of the time).

He can be really funny and pleasant sometimes....usually when the whole family are out together, which is rarer these day unfortunately.

Sadly my youngest is like this. It is apparently normal and he will grow out of it. At least yours hasn't been in trouble, which is a lot to be thankful for.

You will need to keep on his case, but I don't know how much good it will do. My youngest dropped out of school after AS levels and refused to go back. Then we moved and he refused to come with us. His argument was he was 18 and I couldn't make him :(

I want to give you both encouragement. My ds had avery difficult few years from 13 to 17. Lots of experimenting and refused to go to school during most of year 10. He did no work for GCSE and got a mixture of As and Fs depending on whether he could do the subject without having to work. He dropped out of college after AS and told me he was going to save the money to go to America to meet a girl he had met on the internet. I did not pay much attention to this as I never thought he would stick to a job long enough to earn enough money.

To my shock and alarm he worked away at a fast food restaurant and saved the air fare. I was so scared he had never flown let alone crossed the Atlantic to the West coast of the US to stay with complete strangers.

However I decided to let him go. Three months later he returned a completely changed lad. He had found ambition, purpose and had abandoned most of his bad habits.

He is now in year 3 of a 4 year degree at an RG uni and on course for a 2.1 or better. It can all work out and I am sure it will for you. When my ds and I occasionally speak of past problems, he shakes his head and is at a loss to know why he was like that. It almost seems like it was a different person.

This is great to read My ds is just exhausting. He will be 17 on May 1st and has told us he knows everything he needs for his life as we often tell him about how hard the real world is etc etc. He is unrecognisable from the lovely bot we brought up most of the time but I am assured it does improve

Thanks for your help! I will just keep plugging away and laying down the boundaries - as hard as that can be. He's out with his first girlfriend now, whom I think is not a bad influence, although it's early days yet! Will have to have "the talk" next - oh god!