Mixed race teen with identity issues

[teenidentity]

Hi, my ds is 16 and mixed race (black British dad of Nigerian extraction, white British mum).

Lately he's seemed quite depressed, he gets a lot of, not abuse, but his race is mentioned frequently at school (98% white), and talking to him yesterday he seems to really mind the fact that he has no black culture whatsoever. Although my dh is black, he was born and raised in the UK in a white city, has no black friends and only his brother who lives 400 miles away is black.

DS feels that he has no black role model, his dad is lovely but not that hands on, works very long hours, is one of the highest ranking black executives in the country,(I mention that because none of his colleagues are black) and has never seemed to have the slightest interest in finding his black roots or in Africa or anything like that. So he's not a lot of use.

How can I help my son to be proud of his black heritage when he is completely disconnected from it? HIs black grandma has dementia, his black grandad has been off the scene since his dad was 6, there is one other mixed race boy in his year who he gets on with but is equally middle class and not interested in black music etc.

A couple ofmonths ago Iwas very concerned as he seemed depressed. He's seen the GP a couple of times but they're very keen to avoid giving him ADs and referred him to a (white) counsellor who he sees most weeks.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Any ideas?

What does his dad think?

Haven't seen him this week, he's in Brazil.

Bump?

It is helpful, maryz.

You may well be right, when he first said he felt depressed (and he'd looked up all the symptoms and he certainly seemed to tick all the boxes), he struggled to say why - he said he didn't so much feel sad,as distant and unemotional. That was back in February, and at that time I was terribly worried about him, he's dropped (or been dropped by) most of his friends, dropped his main sport and didn't want to do anything.

The friendship issue is still a problem - this time last year he was out doing stuff with quite a wide range of people, this week, he's seen one person for an afternoon, and I've seen a bunch of his friends out in town, obviously they haven't invited him out, he's also been left out of a party .

While he's at school, though, he seems q sociable, he does lunchtime stuff with other people and is one of the crowd, it's just that it no longer spreads out of school time any more.

We had a chat yesterday and he certainly seemed to be feeling bad about the identity issue. His counsellor also mentioned identity but didn't, so far as I know, put it down to the race issue.

I'm worried about him

He's due to see the GP in a week or so. He's seen 3 different GPs and they all said that they wouldn't prescribe ADs, they want to try counselling for a longer period.

Thanks so much Mary. I'll raise it (again) with the GP next week, the one we saw last time was sympathetic but felt that it's just what a lot of teens go through. Maybe I'll be more pushy next time.

Thanks for asking about me, as well. tbh, I'm not sleeping well, I keep waking up worrying.

He does smoke the odd joint with his closest friend, but am pretty sure it is only occasional.

Hi

I had exactly the same issue when I was a teenager.

I suddenly realised being mixed race could mean that some people viewed me / treated me differently.

Looking back it was part identity crisis, part regular teenage self-absorbtion and also a lack of success with boys that I had to explain somehow!

Still I feel for your son, and I don't think you should dismiss or underplay the racial element of his current sadness.

I was lucky to live in London and go to a very racially mixed school. But still my main friends were all pretty white girls and I felt very different.

I read a lot of books on race and identity - part of uni course in any case. I would recommend your son reads the "Autobiography of Malcolm X" - not likely to turn him into a Black Panther as it's actually very thoughtful and shows how you can change your mind about people and situations. Also try Barack Obama's biography.

I too felt I had no black culture - but what I eventually realised was that I wasn't a working class boy - but a nice middle class girl . I do feel for your son because I think it is harder for boys.

What I am trying to say is that he needs to find himself. There isn't one way of being black so he shouldn't feel like he's "selling out" or any other such nonsense. I envied my white friends (most were and still are white) for the freedom to be themselves as in being white is kind of "neutral" in this situation. What you discover as you mature is no one has it easy, you share more than you think with other people (interests, values, life situations etc).

If he feels like he belongs nowhere - you can let him know he belongs with every other mixed race person - we've all had the same questions and turmoil but we come through!

I would say "Respect to da Bredren" - but as said before I's too middle class

Thanks Franz, I will order the Malcolm X book.

Can I ask how long it took for you to feel comfortable about your colour, ie was it an intense few months or more gradual?

Try Windsor Fellowship or 100 Black men?

I would say it was a gradual process over 12 - 18 months. It was most intense in my first year of uni when I moved from London and a very racially mixed environment to a situation where my uni friends didn't know so many black / mixed race people.

Led to alot of unintentionally hurtful comments like "Oh I don't think of you as black at all!" as in I didn't conform to the perceived stereotype of how black people should act. Only served to make me feel like a fraud and an "Uncle Tom".

The identity crisis was definitely wrapped up in a lack of confidence with leaving home, general maturing, etc but made more acute by this sudden realisation of difference. Encourage your son to find other British mixed race people / stories. There are many of us!

My dad was also an immigrant to the UK, so his story was not the same as mine, and I don't think he could have introduced me to "black culture" as it exists here in the UK. What I'm trying to say your son should explore his Dad's Nigerian culture but it may be as foreign to him as any other British born person, and so could make him feel more unsure of where he fits in.

This too shall pass and he will find his place in the world but recommend he actively seeks out UK mixed race peers. I find that so many mixed race people have had a similar crisis or issues I had. It's such a relief to talk to people who know exactly where you're coming from. There must be a talkboard somewhere on the internet about this topic??

You sound really supportive - as a mum myself I think it would be easy to feel that whilst he's going through this - he may be somehow rejecting your side of the family. He isn't, he just needs to reconcile his own identities into a whole. (Bit sociological there). He will come back to your way of thinking - I am totally my mother's daughter.

I also agree with the other responses given, watch for depression and any sign of drugs.

Thanks everyone. It's hard to meet mixed race kids in our area, I can only thinkof one, who he's already friendly with, but who's equally detached from black culture.

I had a chat to my dh this morning and he's going to sit ds down and give him some coaching about how to cope. I guess I forgot that he'd been through a similar experience, being the only black kid in a school of 2000 white kids, and in the seventies to boot! DH is so very confident and, well, zen, about everything I sort of didn't really think about how hard it must have been for him. (he thinks this is hilarious). Anyway when he gets back tonight he'll start giving ds some guidance. Meanwhile I've ordered a couple of books, inc. the Obama one.

Thanks for all your advice to everyone who's responded.

I did find a talkboard, too, which I've sent to ds on an email to have a look at.

Was it this talkboard?

www.intermix.org.uk/homepages/homepage_default.asp

I am also a white mother to a son from an (absent) African father, tho we do live in a more multicultural area.

One thing I did was take my son on holiday to The Gambia (cheap and relatively near by, and no jet lag! a few times, because I wanted him to get a feeling of his other roots, and learn about African culture, he loved it (me too!) and made him much more confident in himself, and proud of that part of him, I think.

All the best, I do feel for you!

Reading those books (Obama, etc) is an excellent idea!

Sorry!

www.intermix.org.uk/homepages/homepage_default.asp

My 3 children are all mixed race as my dh is jamaican, we live in hackney in London which is very multicultural and so its not an issue I have had to face. However we have made a conscious effort to show them positive black and jamaican role models, at one point they saw it as Jamaica= weed, guns and patois. Instead through documentaries, films, books taught them about marcus garvey, malcolm x, rastafarian movement, afrocentricity, martin luther king, slave trade, reggae music. Also they have found it v funny to watch me cook jamaican food (of course with help form dh), maybe you could do the same with nigerian culture and would also consider visiting nigeria or heading down to london where we have lots of nigerian restaurants, shops etc. What about going to Carnival this year? Although its mainly Caribbean lots of Africans take part. I don't know what kind of music your son likes but at the moment mine are fans of Tinie Tempah and Skepta who are both of Nigerian heritage, maybe you could remind your son of this.

I do think race/identity can be a big issue as children grow up and have to be themselves rather than part of a family unit iyswim. My db (adopted, Asian origin) went through a phase when he was trying to reconnect with his country of origin. Afaik not about trying to find his actual birth family, more about trying to find a missing bit of his cultural heritage.