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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD (13) hates me and refuses to come to my wedding

8 replies

jilly7974 · 12/04/2011 02:30

My 13yo DD has been going through a difficult patch (to say the least) for the last few months. She has skived off school twice, and ran away once and refused to come home so I had to report her to the police as missing (she turned up at 11.30 that night).

My partner and I are due to get married next week (after being together for 4 years) and my daughter has decided that she is not coming and that she hates both me and her stepmum. She ran away last week after an argument with my partner over using the phone to call her boyfriend at 11pm at night. I backed up my partner and said that DD couldnt use the phone so now Im public enemy number 1!

My other two children DD (10) and DS (15) have a fantastice relationship with my partner and are really looking to the wedding.

DD has struggled a bit making friends since we moved house 3 years ago, and is now friends with a group of girls Im not keen on as DD tells me they drink and smoke and generally get upto things that 13 years old girls shouldnt. They all think Im a cow because I grounded DD after running away etc and took her laptop from her. She claims she is being picked on at school but her reasons for the bulling and her behaviour change everytime we talk about it.

DD says she doesnt want me to get married and that she is loosing me and that we never talk, so I said we will set aside time together each week and the two of us will go for a coffee and a chat, which at first she thought was a good idea but has since decided she hates me too much to spend any time with me!

I will be really upset if DD doesnt come to the wedding but am reluctant to cancel everything and upset my partner and other two children. Im trying everything I can (with schools help) to sort out DD's problems and get to the route of why she is unhappy but am running out of ideas!

OP posts:
alarkaspree · 12/04/2011 02:47

She doesn't mean it though does she? She is trying to upset you because she's angry about life in general, it sounds like.

You absolutely must not cancel the wedding. I think you need to try your best to give her a way to back down gracefully - maybe find a calm moment with her and tell her how important she is to you, that it means the world to you that she is there to share your wedding day, and that you really hope she will reconsider. But that it is going ahead whether she is there or not.

Earlybird · 12/04/2011 02:50

Is your dd's other bio parent in the picture? What is the relationship like with that person (sorry, can't tell from your post if you are a bloke - named Jilly? - or a female in a lesbian relationship).

Why do you think this dd has struggled to adjust, when your other two dc have been fine?

Was the move 3 years ago linked to your new relationship in any way?

Do you do anything currently/regularly to have 1-1 time with your dd (apart from the cofee/chat proposal)?

WMDinthekitchen · 12/04/2011 02:53

Jilly, so sorry to hear this. Guess it's keeping you awake... Do you think your DD is just pushing the envelope i.e. trying to shock you? You don't mention anything about her being a bridesmaid - if so, perhaps she has reservations about the dress but if not, could you cut her some slack on her outfit (even if she might want to come a la Goth)? Think all you can do is tell her you love her unreservedly even if she says she hates you and that you really want her to be there. Stress that it is her choice and leave it at that. It might be that when it comes to it she simply won't want to be left out. Hope it all works out OK and good luck for the future.

jilly7974 · 12/04/2011 02:55

Thanks for that alarkaspree, I really dont want to cancel my wedding but DD has a fantastic ability for making me feel guilty!

I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed she will come round.

OP posts:
alarkaspree · 12/04/2011 02:58

You absolutely just can't and mustn't cancel your wedding because a 13 year old has a strop. You would be showing her that she has the power to make everyone else turn their lives upside down on her whim.

But the thought that she might not be there must be heartbreaking for you, I do sympathise.

I hope things work out for you all.

jilly7974 · 12/04/2011 03:03

Earlybird, DD has an ok relationship with her dad who she sees every other weekend, and I am female (as is my partner).

The move 3 years ago was due to my work and it was a year after my new relationship started. I dont know why DD found the move more difficult than the other 2, she just never made some close friends to replace the ones she left behind (though she is still in contact with them).

I have tried to spend time talking to DD alone and we have had some good chats and sorted any problems in the past, I just thought the idea of coffee every week was a bit more like spending some set time together.

WMD I let DD choose her own bridesmaid dress and as my dress is quite gothic that wouldnt have been a problem.

OP posts:
Maryz · 12/04/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jilly7974 · 12/04/2011 16:28

Thank you everyone for your great advice, I feel a bit more positive about it all now.

I'll let you know after the big day how it all went, fingers crossed! :)

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