Another - am i right to do this type thread

[foxinthewoods]

DD 14 wants to go into london, which is about an hour from here by train. i won't allow it, even though she would be meeting friends upon arrival. I'm being sensible and not mean aren't i?

It depends on how mature your daughter is. I would allow it, but then my 14 year old has travelled to Australia alone twice

I would let her go, provided it's in daylight. The deal would be that she had to text me as soon as she met up with her friends and keep in contact by text throughout the day.

Personally, I think it's good for kids to have some independent travel experiences, otherwise how can they learn?

What is your objection to it, Fox?

We live in London, so my dc have been travelling round on their own since they were 11. For kids from outside London (and tbh for anywhere that my dc want to go other than school or specific known friends houses) it depends on:

How mature she is
how far away it is
how experienced she is with cities and public transport
how sensible her friends are
How well they've planned it
Where they're planning to go/what they're planning to do
how late they're planning to come back

My 14yo last summer did a trip to Weston-super-mare with a group of friends to go to T4 on the beach. Some parents didn't allow it, but I think they've got to start doing small trips by themselves and 14 is as good a time to start as any. Bear in mind that at 18 there's nothing to stop her buying a round-the-world ticket to all the planet's sleaziest and most dangerous spots. If she hasn't got some practice in at making decisions on her own before then, she'll be much less aware of risk and less practised at decision-making.

I'd be inclined to let her go, provided I got sensible answers to the above questions. If she can't answer the questions properly then they haven't thought it through properly, and you'd be reasonable to say no until such a time as they have.

If it is daytime and you know exactly what they are doing I would let her. You have to start sometime -it seems a good way.

Thanks for the replies. She is quite mature but at that stage where she can only see her side of things. Has threatened to go anyway if I don't let her. She has only been to the closest big town on buses on her own, 9 miles away, does go to London with an adult but having seen how confused she became when I took her re how to get on underground from mainline station, that puts me off letting her go alone. Also if she was to 'fall out' with her bf then I am not within easy reach of getting to her. I wouldn't mind but I only took her in to meet up with him yesterday! I am sort of torn between reasons you have all given above and gut instinct. My son was robbed of his ipod at knifepoint locally at the same age when i thought he would be ok to go out and about on his own, and he was very streetwise as had travelled all over the world by the age of 12, with us, but most of the time he knew how to get around better than me!

The trouble is, I don't really know how sensible her friends are, one is a boyfriend she met about 2 months ago at a concert (he lives in N London) and the others are skype friends, who she met with for the first time yesterday. We seem to have reached a compromise by the bf coming over this way, but I think this is going to rear it's ugly head again soon as it's the holidays and they will want to be together.

The trouble is, I feel bad because I have made the decision to not allow her to travel alone, but I do see her side and feel really sorry for her missing out on what would be a fun day. Indecision should be my middle name.

Sorry, Fox... Hang on a minute - "Skype friends"?? What is that? I had assumed that she was meeting people who are real friends in real life? Is she talking online to strangers? I'd be very uncomfortable with this - My rule for my DDs is that they are only allowed to be friends on Facebook with people who they know in real life.

I would allow it if she was going with a group of friends you knew ie from school and local etc BUT if these are people she has only 'met' online eg facebook or skype then NO WAY!

Apologies if I've misunderstood the situation but I'm afraid I'm very clear and strict about this - no online connection whatsoever with someone you do not know in real life (the only exception being posting questions on The Student Room forum about school work/ uni applications etc). I absolutely definitely would not be letting one of my DDs go to actual meet up with someone she had "met" on the internet wherever it was - London or otherwise.

Have I got the wrong end of the stick here?..

I wouldn't allow it for 2 reasons, probably not for the original ones you are wobbling with actually..

1. these are not "real" friends, they are a "boyfriend" (at 14 ?? ) and online people she has talked to

2. she "threatened to do it anyway"...that attitude is an instant veto in this house, no matter what the request

She doesn't sound responsible enough to me

It puts an entirely different complexion on it. I thought it a good idea, but only with 'real friends' where you know them and their families.
I also agree with eggy-threatening to do it anyway isn't a mature solution -and one that would get a veto in our house.

Yy, what everybody else said. I assumed you meant she was going up with a group of schoolfriends, or to meet people that she knew through some activity or other. But what you're talking about here is a 'boyfriend' that she met at a concert 2 months ago (ie she doesn't really know him well) and a bunch of random strangers she's never met before?

That would be a complete NO then. I wouldn't let my dc do that, even though they're Londoners and know how to keep themselves safe and how to get around on public transport. But if your dd doesn't know London at all, and doesn't know these people or what they're like, you and she have no way of knowing what she's getting herself into, and no easy way of extricating herself if it goes wrong. They might all push off and leave her somewhere, they might be planning to go to dodgy clubs, hang out in parks drinking, buy drugs or gawd knows what else.

And the blackmail thing is ridiculous -- you're not being unreasonable in forbidding her from going, you're reacting appropriately to a completely unsafe and irresponsible idea. If she wants you to give permission for things, then she needs to show you that she's thought it through properly and made sensible plans. Which this is not, it's downright dangerous.

But since the London issue is unlikely to go away, why not offer to take her and a couple of friends to London, teach them a bit about how to get around, take them shopping in Oxford Street and/or Camden (if you can face it). That way she can gain a bit more experience without putting herself at risk. And then the next time she gets the chance to go to London with friends, she can come up with a more plausible plan.

That sounds sensible to me. The circumstances you describe are a bit different to how they sounded in your OP.

Hi again

Sorry for not explaining properly. I sort of get 'writer's block' when there are people around, which there were when I wrote my original post! Btw I had name changed for this, and am regular of about 3 years - contributed to Trin's oil fund and although I am not a prolific poster or well known to anyone (prob cos I change my name so bloody often!) I am genuine and really thank you all for your posts. Thank god I am not going mad, as I really couldn't see that it was right to let her travel in alone. Although having said that, I did let her go off once I'd taken her in on the train, but being with within a reasonable distance of helping her if she needed it made it seem alright.

Ok story from the start - her Dad took her to see a band in London a couple of months ago and when she was there, some of her friends from school were also there, and so he let her go off to be with them. This is when she met the 15yo now boyfriend. I thought it would fizzle out, what with the distance involved, but no, the magic of skype and facebook brought them together and the next thing I knew, she was arranging to meet him in our local town. I didn't think that was too bad to let her see him, in the daytime in an area she knows well. Then about a week after that, she wanted to see him again, so I took her into London, met him and they went off to Camden for a couple of hours and then she was back at exactly the time I had arranged to meet her.

She goes to London on a regular basis with her Dad (we are not together) and loves the buzz. This past Sunday I took her in to meet him again, but this time all of their 'mutual friends' (she only knew them from skype) were there and they had a fun day out and again she was back exactly as arranged, and the bf was with her. Oh forgot to say that he has been to our house in between the two London visits too. So I do sort of know him a bit, but not the people they know. She has showed me the photos from Sunday and they look fine, all her age - well 15. I do take on board that there could be a chance for strange goings on to happen, like drinking and this did bother me but I am very confident that it was just a nice day out in the sunshine.

Oh dear, I'm wondering if my explanation has changed your views again. Sorry if I am being a pain.

Anyway the deal is OFF now, and he is coming to the local town to see her instead. Her dad was willing to take the day off work and meet her from the train and make sure she met up with bf but we thought about that, and that it was a bit silly as she had only just seen him anyhow.

I mirror everything you say Maryz. I didn't want her to be involved with boys either, but what can you do to stop it...all her friends have them, and she goes to an all girls school! Gawd it was so much easier a year or so ago, and now I feel like she has changed so much. She is v mature to look at, you would think she was 16 at least.

None of this is helped by the fact that we live in the country, no good connections to the local town by public transport - I don't drive either and most of her friends are usually on posh holidays for most of their time off. I am dreading the summer - we have no family for about 300 miles and I work the hols all but 3 weeks. Beam me up scotty.

No, I am not a swinger

I still wouldn't allow it for the not-very-veiled threats she made

And I think she is too young, to do such adult things

But then, I am kinda strict

Our nearest big town is Manchester, and I don't let DD (15) travel in and out with people I do not know very, very well

dd has a boyfriend and I am pretty concerned about it

thankfully, we have a reprieve because she broke her curfew last week, so she is grounded (evil smile)

am not sure constant grounding is a long term solution though, much as I would like to lock her up until she is 25