Under age sex

[greenspice]

I found yesterday two notes under my 14 year old daughter's bed whist tidying up her room. One written by her, and the other by her friend. They were entitled "Confessions". I was shocked to the core. Both described in graphic sexual detail what I hope was a fictional confession of both of them, describing both losing their virginity at a recent "gathering" of friends. I just don't know what to say to her. Not only is she under-age, but I never dreamt that she would even know such language. She will no doubt say that both notes are untrue so I guess I will never get to the truth. The only good news is that both notes mentioned condoms so at the very least this was safe sex. She has not even started her period yet. Punishment seems wrong, yet to ignore it just not a option. Help.

I'm really sorry greenspice - this must be awful for you.

I'm afraid I really don't know what I would do in your situation...

As you say, you can't ignore it - it must be gnawing away at you constantly. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep it in for very long, in which case I guess it might be better to plan to sit down and broach the subject instead of waiting until the moment when you can't keep schtum any longer and you blurt something accusatory out in a heated moment?

On the other hand, you say that if you confront her with the notes she will say that the notes are not true. I guess she may flare up at you for "snooping" in her room, too.

It's a really, really difficult one.

I suppose your best hope may be that if you sit down and make her aware that the notes appeared while you were cleaning and stay very, very calm and non-judgemental but say that obviously you need to talk and that if this has in fact happened, then you are sensitive to her situation. You could try to get her to open up by being very kind and gentle and assuring her that you are not angry with her, just concerned for her well-being. Whether this has happened or it's some daft fantasy game that she and her friend were playing, writing these notes, some good may come out of this - she can learn to trust you not to go off the deep end and you may emerge closer as a result.

Poor you though...

Hopefully someone else will be along soon with some wiser words - I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Hello Greenspice,

I've just seem your thread and I'm really sorry to hear about this situation. It must have put you in a complete turmoil, what a nightmare. Have you taken any action yet or are you still wondering the best thing to do?

I've been shocked at the amount of information my kids suddenly seemed to acquire about sex in secondary school. And we have always been careful not to brush the issue under the carpet if you know what I mean.

It could all be talk. But if not, I would feel the need to take some action. But you dont want to alienate your dd or get into a situation where she feels lack of trust and criticism. I'm sure some people would broach the situation head on, but I think my approach would be to raise the issue perhaps without refering to the notes. Like Cyril says, my opinion would be that it would be better to build up her trust in her ability to talk to you about it. Bottom line is if it is true I would want to know but I would prefer her to tell me. And if she doesnt tell me at least I would want to know that she could. If you see what I mean.

And keep a close eye on whats going on to try and get a handle on the situation from a bit of a distance... I hope this helps. I havent been in your situation but I do have a teenage dd so I really feel for you.

I'm really suprised your question has got so little feedback as its an important issue. Maybe you want to post it on the relationships forum as that seems to get more traffic??

Good luck with it and let us know how its going ...

Let me start by saying that DC is still tiny, so I'm not sure what I'd do with a teenager, but...

My mum found notes when I was 14 between me and a friend talking about a girl I fancied and how me and a friend were going to go to a gay bar to see what it was all about.

Mum made me sit down and "explain" it, mainly with her having a go at me for a. writing notes in class, b. putting myself at risk by venturing "into a community I knew nothing about" (rubbish on so many levels) c. keeping secrets from them etc. She also told me the (older) girl I fancied would think I was a "silly little girl".

The overwhelming feeling I had were crushing embarrassment, which meant I would never talk to my parents ever again about personal matter; complete betrayal that she'd read personal notes, she also "found them cleaning" (she probably did, but I didn't believe it at that age) I thought that even if she had found them by accident she shouldn't have read what were obviously private notes; and her disapproval of my feelings, which led me to conclude that my mother was a hypocrite and anti-lesbian, again I have never spoken to my parents about my sexuality since, even though I am now married.

That was 11 years ago and it completely destroyed any trust that may have existed between us.

I firmly believe that if she had taken that knowledge on board and then put her energy into building a proper relationship with me, one based on trust, then I would have spoken to my parents about my issues as a teenager and she would then have known what was going on (or at least more than she did) and I wouldn't have worked so hard to fence them out of my life.

It must be awful to have read that, and know it, but for know try to reassure yourself that they mentioned condoms. It might be made up, the things I'd learnt pretty much all the terminology to go with sex by that age, even though I hadn't done any of it.

I would forget all about the notes. They don't exist. But maybe try to talk with your DD about these things, and as cyrilsneer says if you show her that you can talk without going off the deep end she'll hopefully trust you and open up even more.

I would have loved a mum I could have confided in as a teenager. And one I could have confessed everything to and cried on knowing that I would just be loved and not condemned.

Sorry if that's no help though.

What a really lovely, thought-proving, sensitive and open message, Flingon.

I wouldn't lie about finding the notes though I would apologise to dd if I'd unwittingly invaded her privacy.

I would ask her very gently if there was anything she wanted to talk about in the story.

I'd just try and keep the lines of communication open.

Shame it was so badly typed

The overwhelming feelings...

It must be awful to have read that, and know it, but for now try to reassure yourself that they mentioned condoms. It might be made up, the things I'd learnt pretty much all the terminology to go with sex by that age, even though I hadn't done any of it.

Sorry about the terrible lack of punctuation, and the dodgy spelling, I got a bit carried away with just getting it all out and written down. I hope it's not too chaotic to read.

Just to add - I got terribly used by people who were older than me (mainly women, the occasional man), from about 15-19. Not abused, but badly treated and messed around. I think most girls look for someone older, and even the most intelligent and grounded can make some very bad choices. I really regret now that I had no parental advice when navigating that minefield, or even just adult advice. So if you do find it difficult to make headway with your DD if there's another adult she trusts, an aunt, or a cousin, or one of your friends it might be worth asking them to spend some time with her.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I sincerely hope that she has indeed learnt the terminology and that the whole thing was just made up, it certainly sounded like something you would read in some awful magazine rather than something that actually happened. I think the main thing is that she is just so young...she has not even started her periods yet and has no bust - it shouldn't I know but that just makes it all the more difficult.

Yes they do get a huge amount of info at schools about sex which is both great and awful at the same time. She has been given condoms, lube sachets and taught how to put them on (great she actually talked to me about all this and how embarrassing it was but I was again shocked).

We have a good relationship and talk about most things. This last year she has just changed so much - hair dyed, loads of foundation and eye liner, top of ear pierced and clothes not what you'd want your daughter to wear at 18 let alone 14. I hear the advice about not breaking trust and I think you are right. I do wonder why the notes weren't at least put in the bin rather than just left lying around knowing that I was going to tidy her room though but I too wrote something a tiny bit like this at primary school, 100 times more innocent but I nearly died of shame when the teacher found it and threatened to show my parents so perhaps I should just put them in the bin.

Thanks so much for all the advice - she is on an exchange trip right now which is great as have some space to think. The most important things are that she is kept safe and that she continues to keep talking. All that lost innocence though...

best thing to do is make sure she knows you are someone she can always talk to me, no matter what. be her friend, you can't really say anything that has happened and if you try to stop her, she will do it again- "Psychological effect". it may also be pressure from her peers, but you can always give general advice even about sex just to open up such conversation between parents and children

To be honest- and I also have a 14yo dd- I don't think she is that young, always assuming that she is only experimenting with the thoughts and not actually doing anything. If you think she is actually physically putting herself at risk, then that is different and of course you have to act on it.

Don't cling on to the idea that lost innocence is something terribly precious that she has to preserve forever: sooner or later, sexuality and experience will, hopefully, also be a precious part of her life experience.

Try to see her growing up as something intrinsically positive- at least until you have actual evidence that she is going to use her new found sexual feelings in some unsuitable way. She is going to be a woman, she will have sexual feelings, in 4 years she will be ready to start her adult life, this is a good thing (unless she really makes a mess of it).

I am sure I had sexual fantasies when I was 14, in fact I know I fell in love properly for the first time when I was 11 (and had already started my periods)- did not lose my virginity until I was in my twenties, though, and then in a caring loving relationship. I do not grieve for any lost innocence: I enjoyed growing up and becoming an adult, and I am enjoying watching my dd doing the same.